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Sunday, May 15, 2016

My Little Cricket’s Delay: Where Everything Falls Apart

I started going down this road of helping my Little Cricket in July last year. Since then I have taken him to see several doctors, psychologists, specialists, therapist interviews and autism specialists. I have gotten several diagnosis’s, I have gotten so much conflicting advice, I have researched therapies, I have researched methodologies, I have weighed our options and I have assembled the best therapy team I could find. My days are full of research, of therapy, getting to therapy, learning from therapists, and then bringing what I learned to implement in our lives back home. I have hired people to help with my Little Rose. There are more people in our house than ever before; a constant stream of therapists and babysitters. As I process a wealth of information and emotional stress most of the conversations I have revolve around my son’s delays and how to help him. I am constantly assessing, reassessing, learning more, weighing options, figuring out how to move around all these systems I had no idea existed a few months ago. And once I make a decision I am filled with worry it wasn’t the right move. There is no plan to follow except the one I create. There is no test to tell me for sure this is autism we are dealing with, we don’t know what caused it, we don’t know of a set treatment plan, and we don’t know which kids will excel and do better and which will remain locked in their own worlds… severely impaired. All moves I have made have been for my son. And all of this weight has taken its toll.

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I know that all of this won’t be this hard forever, but I am starting to crack and slip. In an effort to try and combat the huge imbalance in my life I am attempting to put some drops into my personal bucket. The idea is to give myself just enough so I don’t crack, so I don’t go crazy. Over this weekend I scheduled a Beyoncé concert for my BBBS Little’s 18th birthday and an Owling trip. It sounded like an excellent idea. A weekend of fun. But just because I schedule fun doesn’t mean I can turn off my life. The kids needed me, my husband needed me. And I wore myself out with filling my bucket. It was a double wammy that left me drained. I yelled at my kids, I got in an argument with my husband, all in all the past two days were full of fun and today I was rotten.

I ended the evening tucking my children into bed and apologizing for yelling. I had a long talk with my husband and apologized for not being able to handle more. And then I called my mother in law and accepted the offer she has been making for months to fly out to LA and help. I told her I would love for her to come for a week and help with the kids.

I am beat down, I am broke down, life is messy and I need a break.

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