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Thursday, January 7, 2016

When I Cry, I Bake

Two days ago I went into the UCLA CAN clinic and got my sons diagnosis. They are sure he has autism. And ever since that moment my head has been spinning all over the place. We don’t have a clear diagnosis and without a clear diagnosis I instead have two specialists asking me to do very different things.

I have UCLA telling me autism; encouraging me to enter my son in a 10 week Early Partial Hospitalization program for 6 hours a day five days a week (which just seems crazy insane amount of time for a two year old), encouraging me to get OT and speech therapy (which we are already doing or in the process of getting) and then on top of that to make a plan for intense 40-45 hour a week ABA therapy (which also seems like a crazy amount of therapy for a two year old).

Then I have the developmental pediatrician telling me it is just a speech delay and some behavioral things we need to address with 4 hours of targeted floor time therapy a week and add a few days at a typical preschool environment for socialization (which is way more my speed).

With two experts telling me the varying diagnosis with vastly different things of what I should do to treat it I am having a hard time trying to come to terms with what I think is right. They both agree that my Little Cricket needs speech and occupational therapy but the rest I just don’t know what to do. I am paralyzed. How do I make a decision on what to do when I am still unsure exactly what is going on?

I desperately want to believe that the developmental pediatrician is right. But I also don’t want to bury my head in the sand and not look at UCLA’s recommendations because I have such a fear that my son does in fact have autism.

Needless to say I am not sleeping, I am crying all the time, I am vacillating between optimism that we can fix this to despair that my son has autism and it is un-fixable.

My Little Cricket is still his normal happy go lucky self, oblivious to my stress. Since I am unable to function out of the house except for absolutely necessary outings we are home bound. He is systematically going through all of his toys and making an absolute chaotic mess. I am letting him because I have to bake.

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I am baking 5 dozen oatmeal cookies and after doing lots of research about whey and nut powder substitutions in baking I am making healthy carrot breakfast muffins for my little Cricket. And then because I felt guilty for the amount of cookies I have been eating I made a healthy salad for dinner. Hopefully it will balance out all the cookie batter I ate.

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