Wednesday, December 9, 2015

My Little Cricket’s Delay: UCLA CAN Clinic Autism Screening

Yesterday and today Mr. Rogue and I went to the UCLA CAN Clinic to get our son screened, by the best place I could find, for autism. The first day was a bombardment of questions which consisted of the Autism Diagnostic Interview-Revised (ADI-R), the Socail Responsiveness Scale-Second Edition (SRS-2), the Achenbach Child Behavior Checklist (CBCL), the Behavior Rating Inventory of Executive Function-Preschool (BRIEF-P) and the Vineland Adaptive Behavior Scales, second Edition (VABS-II). SO SO SO many questions. Questions about his birth, his milestones, his development, his behaviors. It is so hard to pull your kid apart into the tiniest of pieces. It feels so unnatural to try and analyze every moment of his little life. We tried to be as honest and as objective as possible, but even that is hard when you love someone so much. The questions lasted all day, five hours of questions. And we left exhausted not sure one way or the other if what we answered would result in a diagnosis.

The second day Mr. Rogue stayed home with my Little Rose while I took our son in. They performed several tests. The first was the Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule, Second Edition (ADOS-2). My Little Cricket took the toddler module which rates communication and social interactions. He also spent time working on fine and gross motor skills tests. He did a playtime with a group of selected toys to assess how he would play with the toys and what he would do. Lastly he took the Mullen Scales of Early Learning (MSEL) to assess his cognitive development and by this time my Little Cricket was done. Although I knew he could do several of the things they were asking him to do he just wouldn’t do them.

I walked out confused as I have been this whole time where we stand. On a positive note I thought my Little Cricket showed a perfect representation of himself. Today wasn’t his best day, and it wasn’t his worse day. Instead he gave some eye contact, he spoke some, he participated some and then he was off doing his own thing sometimes and wouldn’t respond to me calling his name. Which is right down the middle. Some moments I think look hes doing something odd again, it must be autism, and then in the next moment he pulls my hand and we play 15 minutes of peek a boo and I think there is no way that this level of engagement is autism. Huge sigh. I just want some answers.

So now we wait for a month. A whole month… over the holidays… to stress and worry. I hope to God this is all just in my head and that my Little Cricket doesn’t have autism. And then I think that he has it. And then I think that he doesn’t. And then I think that it doesn’t fucking matter, he’s my baby boy, my perfect little funny happy sweet Cricket and diagnosis or no diagnosis we were going to rock through whatever is going on together.

And then I get back to thinking. I am driving myself mad.

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