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Saturday, October 10, 2015

My Little Cricket’s Delay: An Honest Perspective and the Kick in the Pants I Need

I have had a voice in my head for months, MONTHS and months, that has been calling out that there is something off about my Little Cricket. I have voiced my concerns to my pediatrician, I have voiced my concerns to my husband, his family, my family, my friends and I have been reassured over and over and over again that there is nothing wrong.

I have heard:

“He is a boy, and boys develop slower than girls.”

“All the kids in our family talked late.”

“He is fine, he is just a little different, a little shy, a little introverted. Look he is so smart, there can’t be anything wrong… besides he is just like his dad.” (who is super smart, shy and quiet)

Now I have accepted the fact that these are the things I have wanted to hear. I want to hear that there is nothing wrong. I want to be reassured that everything is going to be just fine. I wanted to think that I am just being a silly, overcautious, first time mom.

And then I flew to Pittsburgh, I spent several days with Ms. Pool Shark; a dear friend, a friend that is like a sister to me, a friend who also happened to have a degree in psychology. And today over breakfast she looked into my eyes and told me that I needed to get my son evaluated, that something was going on. That my fears are valid. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart constricted, my stomach tied itself in knots and I felt like curling in a ball. I cried, she cried. I allowed myself a moment and then I took a deep breath. I knew it. I have known it for a while. I was so incredibly sad but I also felt a little glimmer of validation. Finally, finally, someone was agreeing with me. I knew it, and now someone else is agreeing with me.

No one wants to hear bad news. No one wants to tell their friend something so horrible. But she loves me enough to give me the honest truth. And I love her enough to be able to accept it without feeling like I want to shoot the messenger.

I don’t know why I needed someone to agree that there was something wrong before I could move. But I have been paralyzed for months, waring with myself, waring with the comments other people were making, waring with what was the truth. I made the phone call that hour to reschedule an appointment at UCLA CAN Clinic. An appointment I made on a bad day when I was sure my son could have Autism (in July) but canceled a month later (in August) because I once again convinced myself that there was nothing wrong. I got an appointment in December. Sure it was going to suck waiting; it was going to super suck. But I resolved that this was it, I wasn’t going to cancel this appointment. I sobbed, big huge ugly tears while our children played happily in the next room.

With that horrible conversation out of the way we continued with our day. Life doesn’t stand still. My Little Cricket was still a happy wonderful little boy. And we had fun to accomplish. I took a color test that Ms. Pool Shark took. She wanted to see how I would score. I took the test quickly, I am after all an artist, and I handed her the phone. The results unsurprisingly was an A+, The Eye of an Eagle. But in transferring the phone to her she pushed, or I pushed something, or something got pushed in the transfer somehow, and that something exited out of the test before she could see the results. I had to take it again so she could be sure I was indeed also an A+. Don’t worry, I got the same score the second time. Of course.

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As an added bonus I got my new phone in the mail today, the phone that Mr. Rogue bought me for my birthday, the phone that I had Ms. Tiny overnight to me because I couldn’t wait another two weeks until I got home to play with my new toy. Yay for new toys to help alleviate mental drama.

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We spent the next three hours getting ready because please, with three children and two mommies to get ready and out the door no one is moving quickly. We went to the children’s museum but, because of our drama filled conversation and our ridiculously delayed departure out the door, the museum was packed. When we pulled into the parking lot it was packed full. So we bailed. On to plan B.

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Plan B consisted of food and since it was mandatory that I visit Permanti Bros when I am in town that is where we opted to go. We hit traffic, we all had to pee, we were all hungry, our plans had changed and no one was super happy. But thankfully the best sandwich in the entire WORLD made it all better.

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We had to take the kids somewhere to let them run off some steam and since we couldn’t really figure out where else to go we took them to the mall. The kids play place there worked to get them running for an hour and Ms. Pool Shark and I got to sit and snuggle my Little Rose.

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While we were at the mall Ms. Pool Shark convinced me to buy some new mascara. Mascara that she assured me would change my life. Oh so beautiful Dior mascara, I finally have eye lashes with you. It is totally divine. Not that I had any doubt, Ms. Pool Shark is a tough customer to wow, so I knew it had to be incredible.

We made it home hours later. We were all exhausted, but I rustled up the energy I needed to cook dinner. We always do this. We buy groceries meaning to cook meals, but we end up running around and having so much fun that we just don’t have energy to cook when we get home. Inevitably we end up ordering take out. Not this time universe. I made Beef Stroganoff and it was SUPER YUMMY. Its 9:00, we just got the kids to bed, but then we are off to bed too; but first I have to pump before I can pass out. Oh how times have changed my friend.

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P.S. I am desperately trying to deny that the little scratchy throat I started off this morning with isn’t getting worse. For the love of god please don’t let me get sick.

1 comment:

Jennifer Arens said...

vacation with children isn't a true vacation haha you two make it look great! Beautiful Kiddos and eyelashes!

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