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Monday, December 8, 2014

Rogue Baby #2: First OBGYN Appointment

I cannot lie, I was a little worried going into this appointment. I have so much anxiety I am trying to tamp down and mitigate. My reality is that I lost two pregnancies. We then had our third successful pregnancy which had zero complications and we were ecstatic to welcome our healthy baby boy. I am super excited and happy to be pregnant again, however I cannot help but own my truth and be worried about all the ‘what ifs’. As far as we know Mr. Rogue and I are both healthy and both my miscarriages were just unfortunate realities of trying to have a baby. But no matter how many tests come back normal I still cannot shake the feeling that something is wrong with me.

So I have been carrying around this ball in my stomach to not get too excited. That this pregnancy too might not last. And then I flip the other way, try to think positive, and bright and cheery thoughts that everything is just going to be perfect fine. And then I figure it’s out of my hands anyways. All I can do is the best I can do to minimize risk. And then the whole process starts over again. My mind… it can be a cruel annoying place sometimes.

Anyways I went today to my appointment sans my Little Cricket. Mrs. Dancer was available to watch him so at least I don’t have the added stress of the appointment and taking care of a toddler. I sat in the room with three other pregnant women, two who were VERY pregnant, and I sighed in envy. And then I shook my head and chanted over and over silently in my head ‘I think I can I think I can’. It helped.

When it was finally my turn I entered the room, got undressed and texted Mr. Rogue. He couldn’t come to the appointment, but with modern technology I could give him a play by play of what was going on. My doctor breezed in all happy and optimistic. She is fantastic, a little weird, a little too happy, but still I love her. We drilled through the normal questions, when I took the Clomid, how many days, when I ovulated, the date of my positive pregnancy test. She warned me that it might be too early to see anything. This was the first POSSIBLE day to see the egg yolk or the heartbeat and then we started the ultrasound. I held my breath looking at the screen for the heartbeat. After a few minutes she finally found the tiny yolk sac, and in that sac she pointed out my sesame sized baby. By her calculations we were a day or two too early to see the tiny beginnings of the flickering heartbeat. She must have read the panic on my face because in the next moment she suggested I come before the Christmas holiday so we can do another ultrasound.

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I was bummed I didn’t get to see the heartbeat but also relived that everything seemed to look ok and that the measurements were right. I just need to remember to breathe. This is going to be a long nine months.

1 comment:

paul peggy zeus said...

Flip to the positive side, I like that!

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