Saturday, November 23, 2013

Dealing with my Paralyzing Fear of Construction

Eventually Mr. Rogue and I want to move back to the East Coast. LALA land was fabulous in our 20's but we both would rather not raise a family here. This city is too much city for this family, it is crowded, there is so much pollution, the traffic is miserable, the schools are terrible and this city of ours is SUPER expensive.

Mr. Rogue and I were both raised on the East Coast, most of our family and a good amount of friends live on that side of the United States. So when we close our eyes and dream about our happily ever after we are on the same page with eventually ending up back at our roots. After months and years of discussion we know we want to move to North Carolina where Mr. Rogue’s parents live. And we are hoping eventually many other family members will move there as well. At least that is the plan for now.

Mr. Rogue and I have been talking quite a bit about his eventual retirement and our eventual move across the country. Sure this isnt happening any time soon but I am a planner. We are trying to plan and project years into the future most of the information we are working with is hypothetical. In essence we are trying to hit a moving target blindfolded. The conversations have been time consuming and difficult as discussions about money and living expenses and the lifestyle we want inevitably are for everyone. We have had to dig deep and really figure out what we want out of life. I have never been a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person, with travel and adventure of course (sign me up), but not with my life goals. Instead I have always felt better with a plan and planning this makes me feel more secure in where we are going and what we need to do to get there. Sure plans can change, things have a way of working out or not working out on a whim, but without a plan I feel lost.

One of the things that we have been toying with is building our own brand new perfect-for-us forever home. Mr. Rogue is totally on board, and I would normally be as well but I have been very hesitant to jump in on this idea. Our last home we bought as a fixer upper and what ended up being a perfectly planned renovation quickly turned into a nightmare. Sure several factors contributed to the downward spiral, we ended up with a crappy contractor, he ended up doing work that wasn’t done and he lied OFTEN about important things like permits and such. We lived in the construction as it was going on (I would not recommend this to anyone). And he ended up leaving with a ton of money and very little work completed. I ended up having to find another contractor to finish the work and it took twice as long and cost twice as much. To say that it was a horrible traumatic mind numbing experience is a vast understatement. The construction along with several other horrible things resulted in the darkest period of my existence.

I was so depressed the only thing that brought me comfort was sleep. So I slept for months, only leaving my bed to perform the most necessary functions. I therefore have a horrible knee jerk reaction to many words including construction and building and anything to do with Home Depot.

A few weeks ago I was talking to Ms. Pool Shark and I was trying to work through why I am so very incredibly reluctant to tackle building our own home. I am a hard worker; both Mr. Rogue and I love a project, and who wouldn’t want to build their own home… I mean seriously. But then she said that I was suffering from ‘post-traumatic stress’ because of the horribleness I went through last time. She hit the nail on the head. It was the descriptor I was looking for. It is so true. Sometimes we need someone on the outside to shine a light on the elephant in the room. It is totally true. I was so traumatized by that time in my life that just the thought of tackling a building project makes my whole body cringe in horror.

After quite a bit of time of analyzing and meditating I decided that I do want to build my own home. It is something that I would love and cherish for the rest of my life. Where my children will grow up, where we will share so many memories, and where Mr. Rogue and I will grow old. I just need to work through my past feelings and tell myself that I learned from that experience and things will be different this time around.

1 comment:

paul peggy zeus said...

I would have loved to build my very own dream home, but never did. One of those things, I guess. . . .

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