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Sunday, September 15, 2013

Trying to Gently Redefine my New Normal

I knew that being a mom would be difficult. I knew that I would have to come second. I knew about the sleepless nights and the constant diaper changes and the life changing event. I anticipated it being hard. What I didn’t know, and I don’t think can ever fully be explained to someone who hasn’t been through it, is that it would be THIS HARD. I am so strapped for time. I am not accomplishing my task lists or cleaning my home or getting out as often as I want. I set goals and I fail. I am trying to be gentle with myself but that is also hard. So here I am between a rock and a hard place trying to redefine my new normal. Because I do, I do want it all.

So I set goals and I try, I fail, and I regress to old habits. I lost a dear friend, my feet hurt all the time, my body aches from the inside out, my blog is behind, and I find myself mentally whipping myself. The voice inside my head is saying I am not good enough, I am not trying hard enough, I am making lame excuses. I spent months in therapy trying to calm this voice down, but it is again rearing its ugly head.

With that being said I am not at the lowest I have ever been which is a huge plus. But I am also not the best me right now. I vacillate between being the happiest I have ever been, this is normally when I feel on top of my to-do list, the house is clean, the laundry is done and I am napping when the baby is. And being super depressed. I try to think about giving up something in my life that is important, something that takes up too much time. This blog has entered my mind as something that could end up on the chopping block. But I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I love this blog. It allows me to be creative. It allows me to see the world in a different way. It allows me to reflect on my day or my week. It allows me to purge the blackness so I don’t suffocate. How could it be a good thing to let something that brings me so much joy go. I also thought about cutting back. Not posting every single day, perhaps every other day or only once or twice a week. But then I feel like I would be settling. That I would be continuing on but not giving my best. So in a give it my all or leave it kind of black and white mentality I go through the list of the things I ‘could’ cut back on and simply talk myself out of giving up every single one.

I have had some huge curve balls thrown my way and I have had so much on my plate, not to mention trying to adjust to this huge life change. So I am going to trudge on and hope I get better at managing my time. I am going to try my best and tell myself that sometimes if my best isn’t good enough to the goal it is ok.

And next time when I am in the middle of my brutal self-doubt I am going to look at my perfectly healthy fabulous son and remember why I am so blessed.

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1 comment:

paul peggy zeus said...

You're doing great, and look at that adorable little boy!

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