Monday, September 9, 2013

On a Tightrope with an Elephant on My Back

I knew it was going to be hard having a kid, I was prepared for the most part since I have quite a few friends with kids and I have experience with children. Other than the sleep deprivation I feel like my Little Cricket and I are rocking it. Unfortunately everything else that is important to me in my life is sliding downhill at a rate that scares me.

Initially I could live with a slightly less clean house, I could look over the fact that my hair wasn’t getting done on time, I could shrug off some of the things on my to-do list to the next week. Sure I got some things done but not to the level or the timing that I wanted it to be. I thought after a few months I would hit a grove, my baby boot camp would be over and I could balance things better, but honestly it seems to be getting worse. As my Little Cricket becomes more curious and asks for more attention I find myself ignoring that pile of stuff at an exponential rate. I have talked to people trying to articulate how I feel but they seem to think I just need to lower my expectations. Perhaps they are right to an extent, I do believe that my Little Cricket deserves my attention when he needs it and wants it. He is my top priority. But I still believe (and this might be a crazy lala land fanciful belief) that there is a way to have it all.

My largest fear is that my Little Cricket is currently sleeping 15-16 hours a day. Even with that record amount of down time I am not getting it all done. To be honest I am freaking out a bit because that sleep time is only going to get less and less as he gets older. Right now the three naps (giving me a total of four hours a day) is the only time I have to get things done.

I know there are moms that work that get it all done, I know that there are single moms that are making it work and I bow down to both of them. Being a stay at home mom is the best gift in the world. I love being able to give my Little Cricket my undivided attention. I love being home with him. I know I am blessed. I just have to learn how to balance the other things in my life that are important; home cooked meals, a clean house, laundry that is done and put away (instead of hanging out on my kitchen table for days at a time or even a week), time spent with my Little from BBBS, time to connect with my husband and keep our relationship healthy and happy, bills, managing our business needs, reading a good book, my blog, my photography, my birding. The list goes on and on.

I have wanted to be a mother for so long. I want to be clear that I am not complaining. However what I am finding more difficult than I imagined that in downing my new much longed for mommydom I have seen myself, my wants, my needs slipping further and further away. I feel like I am walking on a tightrope with a troop of animals weighed down on my back trying desperately to find my footing. I don’t know if I am delusional to keep trying to have it all but I believe that I just have to work a little harder at prioritizing and become more efficient. It is much more difficult than I imagined.

1 comment:

paul peggy zeus said...

It's true. I worked full time and seemed to fit it all in. Although it was busy, seems like the busier I was, the more I got done.

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