Friday, May 10, 2013

Rogue Life List: #93. Write a Letter to my Future Child

My Little Cricket,

I was born to be a mother. Never in my life have I thought I would be a woman without children, it was never a question of ‘if I would have kids’ to me it was only a question of ‘when I would have kids’. I was massively unprepared for how hard it would be to get to this place, gloriously, happily soon to be a mom.

Before the days of failed pregnancy tests, miscarriages, invasive inspections of my reproductive factory, fertility drugs and even chromosomal testing I saw pregnancy through vastly different eyes. I saw it as a 40 week celebration with pinks and blues filled with food cravings, sweet little baby kicks, swollen ankles and the occasional bouts of morning sickness. After my struggles with both miscarriages pregnancy feels more like a jump out of a plane with a questionable parachute. A prayed for desperate hope that this time everything will be ok. Many of the milestones of this pregnancy I have tried not to get too excited about, because I have been afraid, afraid of getting my hopes up. To be honest mostly I have been too busy holding my breath in fear that anything I did could cause something bad to happen. I couldn’t spend any time looking at the end goal, sometimes getting through each individual day would be hard, but I did try to spend as much time as I could in the moment. Each individual day that you stayed warm and healthy in your safe little world was a victory to be celebrated.

Which in essence makes you the most wanted, most prayed about child in the world. At times throughout this pregnancy you felt like an elusive dream, and then more recently I started having the sensation like I can already feel you in my arms sniffing your sweet baby smell. Sometimes I have to pinch myself and ask how can I already love you this much? Just when I think that I have a handle on how much I love you it gets bigger and more encompassing. I will be your greatest champion; I will always cheer you on the loudest. You are the new center of my world.

Right now I am loving the dreams of you, though I cannot see your face, though I am not sure of your name, though I don’t know what kind of personality you will have, I know none of that matters. In a few days my dream will be a reality. You will be here, the most beautiful gift ever, you will fill my arms, you will fill my heart and I cannot wait for that moment when you will look into my eyes, as I gaze back into yours and so many parts of my heart will sob and sing at the same time. You are my rainbow after the storm.

I love you,

Rainbow Baby: A ‘rainbow baby’ is a baby that is born following a miscarriage. Thank you Mrs. Bulldog for sharing with me this beautiful term.


Becky said...

sweet and heartfelt. what an amazing journey...with the best yet to come! I love you!

paul peggy zeus said...

Very eloquent. Beautifully put.

Post a Comment