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Friday, May 17, 2013

Baby Brain, Birth Story: Little Cricket's Birth Story

These decisions, life changing decisions, decisions with multiple angles and feelings attached to them all are the hardest in the world. Where there isn’t a real black and white right or wrong. Where sometimes following your gut is the only thing that you can do. Today was my scheduled caesarean and I still wasn’t 100% comfortable with my decision. Because what I decided wasn’t what I wanted, and there wasn’t enough time to get the two halves of my warring arguments to agree.

Others tried to offer advice, that I should wait, that many women go over their due date, sometimes by two weeks, or worst case scenario I should be induced before I considered following the advice of my doctor and have a scheduled c section. Others told me not to worry about it, that a caesarean was a great option. But I realized that all this conflicting advice wasn’t really helping me because these were adding to my list of things I had to come to terms with. All I ended up doing was stress out. There was no peace for me in the idea of scheduling a caesarean however I always came back to the same conclusion. Although I wanted to control my birth and have a natural delivery the end goal was ‘to have a healthy baby’. Bottom line, nothing else matters. So the day progressed and I tried to just hold it together.

First of all I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I don’t know why I was hoping I would. I even spent most of the day yesterday catching up on all those little last minute chores I wanted done. I skipped my afternoon nap thinking that Mr. Rogue and I would want to turn in early. Surely without a nap and with the manual labor of cleaning all day I would be tired enough to at least get a few hours of what will be my last hours without a child. However Mr. Rogue and I were too excited. We stayed up talking until way past midnight. Me curled into the nook of his arms, my head resting against his shoulder whispering of what will soon be. And then long after he finally nodded off I attempted again and again to stop my racing brain. I kept thinking about the operation, about the pain, about the unfairness that I couldn’t give birth naturally like I wanted, about the complications that could happen and most of all I worried over my little cricket. I played it over and over in my mind until my clock finally got to a point where it was decent enough for me to give up on trying to sleep and start getting ready to leave for the hospital.

I got up to brush my teeth and started thinking about the minor inconveniences of starting this day. Last night I was worried I would be hungry; you are not allowed to eat anything past midnight the day before your surgery, and I am a eat as soon as I get up kind of person. But the hunger wasn’t a concern; my thirst however was not fun. We made it out the door on time, making sure to cross off the last minute things on the 'walking out the door' list I had created. The trash was taken out, the dog and cat were fed, the doors and windows were double-checked but I paused for a moment just before walking out the door. Everything was clean and ready and I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that when I returned home in just a few days I would be walking in with my son wrapped in my arms.

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We got to the hospital, checking in was a breeze thanks to the pre-registration that I had completed a few weeks ago, and I found Mrs. Dancer in the waiting room. Even though I was only allowed one person in the operating room Mrs. Dancer came to the hospital bright and early to be there for me. Sure she wouldn’t be able to see me for hours, but she wanted to be there, for me as moral support, just a few rooms over to offer the support she could. It was comforting to know my ever present wing-girl was there just in case I needed her.

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I was doing ok in the waiting room. I did ok changing into the gown and getting prepped. It wasn't until the anesthesiologist came out to talk about the spinal block that I finally lost the battle of holding back the tears. He was actually super awesome, cracking jokes to make me laugh, but no matter how sweet he was I couldn't relax. Too many gigantic emotions were clamoring for attention. I was overwhelmed by the physical element of the surgery, I was overwhelmed that I actually was getting surgery, I was overwhelmed by emotions that the moment was actually here and I was overwhelmed that I was actually going to meet my little boy in just 30 minutes. So I cried like a baby while Mr. Rogue, the lovely nurses and my doctor tried to calm me down.

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ME TRYING TO BE BRAVE BEFORE I LOST IT

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A REALLY CRAPPY SELF PORTRAIT OF THE ALMOST NEW PARENTS TAKEN WITH MR. ROGUE’S iPHONE

What followed was much better than I expected. My fears were much worse than the reality which I guess is a good side effect of a wildly vivid imagination. I was lead into the operating room. I was given not one but two local anesthetics and then the spinal block which I didn't have any pain from and which surprisingly to me worked immediately. Then like the spectator I was I watched. The screen went up between me and the doctors. The heavy flood lights filled the room with a blinding brightness. Mr. Rogue sat there next to my head, his brow furrowed in concentration and worry, he ran his hands up and down my arm, gripped my hand, brushed his lips across my forehead; soothed me that soon we would be seeing our little guy. I felt some pressure and some movement, and then the doctors started whispering. The whispering started freaking me out, my heart monitor started jumping erratically, I started thinking the worse. My little boy was in distress, he wasn’t going to make it, there wasn’t a heartbeat and then my doctor popped her head over the screen. Everything was ok she assured me, the baby was just tucked under my ribs, he didn’t want to come out and they had to be careful because he was all tied up in the umbilical cord. The pressure and movement got even worse, with one doctor trying to push the baby into a better position while my doctor tried to pull but the baby wouldn’t budge. In the end my doctor had to use a vacuum to get my little cricket out.

And he came out squalling.

It was so surreal, that moment. Time seemed to speed up and slow down. I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that my little cricket and I were entirely different brings now. Once the baby was out I couldn't focus on what was happening to me. My mind was laser focused on my new baby getting cleaned not more than 5 feet away proof. The nurses clamped his umbilical cord, they weighed him and checked his heart. He got a solid Apgar score and the nurses kept reassuring me that everything was fine. He never stopped crying.

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After a few minutes of their tests the nurse laid my little guy in my arms and I smiled. THIS. This moment, this all-encompassing joy, this perfect place in time was exactly what I have been working toward for so long. It was finally here. My little guy was safe and delivered full term. He was healthy. I was getting stitched up. I was going to be ok. The surgery was a success. I was now a mom. Mr. Rogue and I finally had our rainbow baby!!

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Mr. Rogue then left with the baby for a few more tests and to show him off to Mrs. Dancer while the doctors finished with me. There wasn’t any pain and as I laid there I tried to come to terms with everything that was swirling around me. They were quick and soon I was wheeled into the recovery room where I would be monitored closely for the next three hours and where Mr. Rogue and I would get some uninterrupted bonding time with our new baby. All that I cared about was getting my baby back in my arms.

So I am ok, my little cricket is ok which means that our little two person family now included a third. And our lives will never be the same again.

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A HEALTHY BABY BOY, BORN 7:58AM – 7LBS – 22 INCHES LONG

6 comments:

Pat said...

This is a beautiful story Mrs. Rogue. Enjoy every second with your "little Cricket" and Congratulations on becoming one of the best things in the world a "Mother". Little Cricket is going to bring such joy to you and Mr. Rogue.

My Best to you.
Pat Corradino
Kimberly's Mom

Nicole said...

I'm so happy for you and your beautiful little family! Sending love and hugs and happiness from my heart to yours!

paul peggy zeus said...

What a sweet and compelling birth story. I love you all, wish I could be there too, and am so elated that your biggest dream in life has been met. I am so proud of you for making your own choices in life, never faltering, always in control. Congrats to our brand new mommy and daddy!!

Becky said...

:') <3

Jess said...

He's perfect! And I love him and I can't wait to be the awesome Auntie! xo

Anonymous said...

Congratulations and many blessings! What a joy! Celeste

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