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Saturday, February 9, 2013

Baby Brain: Memories

Not too long ago I would walk around Target and two things would happen. I would either fix my gaze straight ahead as I push my cart past the baby isles, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. Or I couldn’t help but to sit and stare as though I was searching for something I lost. I pulled away from all too personal conversations, I stopped listening to the radio, and I lost large blocks of time to grief.

In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis said:
“Perhaps the bereaved ought to be isolated in special settlements like lepers” because no matter how well intentioned people are the world is a hostile place to walk around in when you are feeling fragile.

I thought then that it would be nice if we all walked around with signs, telling others to be gentle, that we are broken, that we are in pain, that we are trying to deal with catastrophic loss. Then the people who tried to speak to me would know why I couldn’t focus and why I looked so lost.

Time as they say has a way of healing.

I am almost to the third trimester and as each baby kick gently taps me I feel an almost overwhelming wave of hope that this pregnancy will result in a happy healthy baby. I still grieve for the first and second child we lost. At moments the scars that leave me with panic attacks that this pregnancy too will end in a horrible tragedy. But in general I am hopeful for the future, I am trying to live in the moment, and I am trying to immerse myself in positive thinking.

1 comment:

paul peggy zeus said...

You ARE having this child and I think once he is born, you will relish in him and HE alone will heal these wounds.

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