Monday, October 29, 2012

Baby Brain: Ultrasound 11 Weeks 4 Days

Its been three weeks since my last ultrasound and I have been chomping at the bit. I have been doing a dance of trying to remain calm and losing my mind in mini panic attacks. P.S. The hormones and lack of ability for me to drink wine are not helping matters.

We are forced yet again to wait for quite a while after our appointment time to finally get called back to see the doctor. On one hand the waiting is oh so annoying and does not help my anxiety at all but on the other hand when my doctor is in the room with us I do not feel rushed. She takes her time to answer all my questions and make sure that I am ok.

I am happy to say that I have only gained 3 pounds this pregnancy so far, I know it is early but I am really going to try and keep an eye on how much I gain. Once the doctor gets to us I am near tears. I simply cannot help myself I am terrified and no matter how much I tell myself that I should be more positive I still feel the fear. So we are waiting with baited breath to see the flicker to tell us that everything is ok. I don’t see the heartbeat and I start to panic. I feel my heart racing, the adrenaline kicking; all I keep chanting is that ‘it’s happening again’. The doctor says she can’t get a good look at the baby with the internal ultrasound, we can’t see a heartbeat. She is going to try and external one. I have to wait minutes, minutes that feel like centuries. The cold gel washes over my naked belly and then then in a few moments we see that fluttering flickering light. The doctor points the heartbeat out and everyone in the room takes a huge sigh of relief. My racing heartbeat slows down and I smile because this feeling of relief, even if it is momentary, it is fantastic.

It is one perfect little baby, measuring just on time, with a heartbeat that is fantastically normal. The doctor says that she is happy and everything is going well. And I sit back relaxed hoping that this baby will help heal all the hurts from the lost two.

For a while I am really happy. But the happiness I know will not last. I have been here before, I know what comes hours or days later, I know that the doubt and the fear will keep coming back. The doctor says everything is ok but doctors have told me that before. They were wrong. I leave knowing I have a little heartbeat inside me but knowing that that heartbeat could stop at any moment.

Joy and Sorrow, Excitement and Worry.

It is beyond difficult being pulled in two different directions … happy for this new pregnancy but still mourning the lost ones. But right now, in this moment I am happy, staring at the scan of our ultrasound with stars in my eyes and dreams in my heart.


P.S. the baby was not cooperating today with the ultrasounds. This is a front view, the baby is looking directly at you. If you look close you can make out two little hands on either side of the body.


Marne said...

Ms. Rogue... I have been following your journey for quite some time. We have had a lot in common... I lost my first baby at 28 weeks to Trisomy 13.. he lived for 2 hrs. I just knew the next pregnancy would be different.... wrong. The next was a chemical pg... then the third was an ectopic...(all in 2012) none of the losses related, but it's hard to keep hope when you are on pg #4. I went through all you have with not getting excited... fear... praying for healthy baby and that this baby buries me one day, not the other way around. Not what a first time should be praying for. But please allow yourself to get excited and keep hope... I can't promise it will be ok, but I can tell you only those that give up don't get their rainbows. We are now expecting a baby girl in a few weeks and all has seemed healthy... so I wanted to give you a positive example of a bringing baby home after so many lost dreams and heartbreak. So glad to see all is going well and hang in there! These first few weeks creep by... but it will go so fast through the holidays and be spring before you know it:) Hugs!!!

paul peggy zeus said...

I can see her! She's a real person, can't wait to hold her!

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