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Monday, November 5, 2012

Baby Brain: Nightmares

I have mentioned before that this pregnancy has brought on a slew of side effects that just didn’t exist with my first pregnancy. Over the past three weeks I have been having horrible nightmares. I normally dream, and I will remember dreams waking up, but generally I don’t have nightmares. If however I do have them, I have two that reoccur. Only those two that I remember anyways.

With this pregnancy I have been having a slew of new nightmares. All revolve around me losing my baby, except not losing it to a miscarriage but losing it in a way that makes it my fault.

The first starts with me at the mall with friends. I don’t know who the friends are but I am happily strolling around my baby alongside them. But then we opt for a movie. About 10 minutes into the packed movie my baby starts to cry, people around me are getting annoyed, it’s a full theater and I don’t blame them for their angry looks. No matter what I do I cannot get the baby to stop crying so I walk out of the theater. I go to the bathroom, change the diaper, feed the baby and then finally get the baby back to sleep. I know she will sleep for a while but I am worried about the other people getting aggravated if the baby starts crying again. So I decide to leave my baby in the bathroom, cuddled in the stroller with a baby monitor. I return back to the movie alone. Now I am the first to say that nightmares and dreams often don’t make sense. I very obviously would NEVER leave a baby unattended in a public place like that with only a baby monitor. Regardless I go back to the movie; I remember feeling anxiety wondering if the baby is ok. I keep chanting to myself that the baby is fine; I hear nothing on the monitor. When the movie ends I go back to the restroom and my baby is nowhere to be found. I start rushing around the mall, talking to police, frantically calling my husband but it’s no use. I lost my baby. It was all my fault and I wake up crying.

The second nightmare I am having is much simpler. I am at the grocery store with the baby, it is Christmas and I am frantically shopping for a gigantic feast I am having at my house. As the cart fills up I find I need more space. So I take the baby out of the top part of the cart and put the baby UNDER the cart, on the wrack by the wheels where you sometimes might throw cases of soda or toilet paper. AGAIN I would never do this obviously. Anyway I pay for the groceries, I unload the cart, yet I forget the baby in the bottom. I drive away and when I get home I realize that I left the baby. Filled with panic I race back to the grocery store but the baby is dead, killed by the cold. I wake up crying and terrified.

It is very obvious that I am dealing with a ton of emotional issues. On one hand I know intellectually that I didn’t do anything to deserve the two miscarriages I had. I know I did all in my power to do everything right. But how I feel emotionally and what I know intellectually are very different. I feel deep in my heart that it was my fault. I often have these conversations in my head. I will start to despair and then I will talk myself out of it. Regardless my therapist is now having a field day helping me deconstruct the nightmares and working on helping me build tools to lessen my anxiety.

It is so hard when the heart and the head pull you apart.

1 comment:

paul peggy zeus said...

Hmmm, mighty strange dreams my dear. Mighty strange.

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