Saturday, October 27, 2012

Baby Brain: Anxiety & Panic Attacks

I am terrified. I made it to four and a half months last time 16 weeks of glorious pregnancy. I made it past the danger zone, I made it past the point where you are not supposed to tell your friends and family. I did everything textbook and still something out of my control went wrong. Now I am trying to be optimistic about this pregnancy, I know that this whole pregnancy thing is out of my control, I have already lived through one miscarriage so I know I can handle it but the terror is still there.

I worry about not feeling the same as the first but then the first pregnancy didn’t go the way it should have so then I worry that it should feel different in order to have a full term healthy baby.

I dream of this baby, some are the same dreams of the first and others are entirely ‘this babies’. I dream of how you will look, who you will be and that you have Mr. Rogue’s eyes. Even though this baby isn’t my first pregnancy, or even my second pregnancy, I have had I cannot help but think that makes this one so much more hoped for. This has to be the most prayed about pregnancy in the world and I want THIS baby SO MUCH!

I have gotten out my box of the few baby things I had purchased, a bib I had bought for Mr. Rogue about being the best dad, little baby shoes that don’t even fill the palm of my hand one pair pink the other plaid, and my ‘What to expect when you are expecting’ book which will now take up its usual spot on the nightstand. I had researched a ton of stuff but I am thankful that I did not buy much baby crack. And then I just stared balling; baby memories strewn across my lap, proof of those other pregnancies.

I just feel so paralyzed. Even if I do everything correct I still cannot protect this baby if something goes wrong. So I sit and I cry and I pray and I desperately hope… it seems so little but it is all I have. Please God let me keep this one, let this baby be healthy.

1 comment:

paul peggy zeus said...

You've made it passed the danger zone, and are well on your way to having a happy normal baby girl. I keep dreaming of "her" it just wouldn't be right for a baby boy to be in pink tights and a hot pink tutu.

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