Thursday, September 6, 2012

Baby Brain: To Tell or Not to Tell

I have learned so much about myself in the past five years. Life has been throwing me quite a few curveballs. My brother passed away. I went from a job loving work-a-holic to total disinterest in my career. We went through hell construction on our home. Someone I deeply loved failed me. I developed an eating disorder. And as a cherry on my crappy crap sundae I have had two miscarriages, one at four months, the other at five weeks.

Yet it is not all bad, there are many more moments that are good than bad, so that is my mission to try to embrace the good. Through all of this turmoil I have written my blog. I have learned the honesty of being true. I have learned that hiding something doesn’t make it go away. I have learned to lean on my community. I have learned to be vulnerable. I have learned to share my story. And as an added bonus of being so open and baring so much I have found true gifts of others sharing their stories with me.

The miscarriages have been so hard on my soul. However I cannot tell you HOW MANY women I have shared my story with that offered a hug, or shared their similar stories of pain. There is such a stigma about having a miscarriage. A worry that there is something wrong with you. An incomprehensible pain of not being able to bring forth life.

I waited until the third month to share that I was pregnant the first time. I did everything by the book and you know what, none of that mattered. I was so positive that the second pregnancy would go just fine. After all there was nothing wrong with either of us reproductively and I had a feeling everything would be ok. So I told everyone I was pregnant as soon as I found out. A week later another miscarriage happened and I was left again with the pain and sorrow of our loss. What I learned from both of these tragedies is that I need to write about how I feel, I need my family and my friends to lean on and I cannot image not telling everyone I am pregnant again. Because the bottom line is that if this pregnancy does end up in yet another miscarriage I need you all more than ever. And if this is the pregnancy where all my dreams come true than I want you all to share my joy and happiness through the entire process.

Please keep me in your prayers.


paul peggy zeus said...

I am so very happy for you, thank you for sharing your journey!

Jennifer Arens said...

I think of you often !

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