Monday, September 17, 2012

Baby Brain: First Ultrasound

I couldn’t sleep a wink last night. I tossed, I turned and I worried. I have been trying so hard NOT to worry. Worry is exactly the opposite of what I want to be doing. I want to revel in my joy. I want to soak up these days of pregnancy with complete happiness in every single moment. I want to believe that this is my time. That everything is going to go just perfectly with THIS pregnancy. Sadly I know that happily ever afters don’t always happen. With two miscarriages behind me I am TERRIFIED.

Trying to be positive while trying to keep the terror at bay is a delicate balance of impossibility. One moment I am so happy I cannot wipe the grin from my face, the next moment I am convinced that this too will end and I won’t be able to pick myself back up again. It is terribly morbid. I am just hopelessly clutching on to hope.

Thankfully this past weekend my pregnancy symptoms have seemed to escalate. I have never been so happy to be in so much pain. I feel nauseous all the time, my breasts hurt and I have been sleeping nonstop. But even these symptoms cannot keep my demons at bay.

Today I woke up more tired than when I went to bed. I showered and then my husband and I piled in the car to head to my OBGYN appointment. We went in for my first ultrasound. I was doing my typical dance of glass half empty glass half full. Unfortunately the doctor was terribly behind in her appointments and we ended up sitting there for an hour and a half before she could see us. An hour and a half of me doing my mental torture on myself as this pregnant woman and that woman carrying her brand new baby paraded before my eyes.

Finally we got called back to the office. The doctor started the ultrasound and I held my breath searching the screen for my baby. She was unable to see anything. Oh wait she did see a tiny something that maybe could be an egg sac… or it might just be an artifact in the ultrasound. As she is doing the examination all I kept thinking is that there wasn’t a heartbeat. I wasn’t seeing a heartbeat. I wasn’t seeing a baby. She wasn’t seeing a baby. And I almost had a full-fledged panic attack right there on the table.

You see with my first pregnancy I went in for a standard four month ultrasound and my baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I still have terrible, sweat soaked, and screaming nightmares about it. To say that today, not seeing a heartbeat confirmed all my worst fears and exploited all my most horrible thoughts doesn’t explain at all how close I came to losing all hope.

There are two possibilities as of this moment. The first is that it is just too early. Babies are dated from the date of the last known period, but I ovulate late, in fact I took a blood pregnancy test at my doctor’s office August 28th and that test came out negative. I didn’t find out I was actually pregnant until a week later, which then proves that I ovulated later. Technically according to my due date I should be 6 weeks pregnant however with a later ovulation I may only be 5 weeks pregnant.

From 5 1/2 weeks of pregnancy to 6 weeks a yolk sac can sometimes been seen. As in SOMETIMES which is not all the time. 6 ½ weeks is when there is a much more accurate ability is to see the baby and the earliest you can see a heartbeat. At this time in the pregnancy where the baby is doubling its size every day then days can make a big difference in how accurate an ultrasound can be.

The fact that last week my hormone blood results came back great is very encouraging but much can happen in just a week. What was a good pregnancy then could not be a good one now.

The other possibility is that I am in fact 6 weeks pregnant and this baby is not growing right. I cannot even think straight because this would mean I will lose this pregnancy as well.

My doctor took another blood test, I will know the results tomorrow morning, but I am dreading the outcome. If my HCG levels are not still increasing my dreams are again shattered. I was so thankful that Mr. Rogue was with me, clutching his strong hand as I walked out of the building was the only thing that was keeping me from breaking into a million pieces. Needless to say I am not going to get any sleep tonight either.

I have never felt more out of control than I have these past few years. Spinning out of control and it is all I can do to keep breathing.


Sonja said...

The first few weeks are nail-bitingly stressful until you get a good shot of the heartbeat and oh, what a relief. Many good wishes for your blood work and hoping you see that little one on the screen soon! Don't be camera shy, little one! Come on out and say hello!

paul peggy zeus said...

Great News keeps coming your way!! Hurray!! I love you so much!!!

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