Thursday, June 21, 2012

Depression: Miss You

I try to have nothing now but praise for my life. I try hard to become something better than I was yesterday. I may not be perfect, I may fall down but in the end I always pick myself up again. Tomorrow I need to just try harder I tell myself; because this is what life is, all these moments passing by should be happy. I should be the happiest girl in the world. I should count my blessings and then count them again and again and again because they are everywhere. It is so frustrating when I find myself sometimes looking past that.

I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I cannot stop them. They are taken away too soon and my throat closes up when they are mentioned. I see things every single day that remind me of them. I mentally shield away from all mention of them because the pain makes it too hard to breath. They are beyond reach in a vast physical way. Parts of me will forever remain missing because they are gone.

I cry a lot because I miss people. They walk out of my life and even though I may not want to, I love them even more. Each loss is a mini death, a death from my reality, a great loss in my world; when something you want, something you need is taken away want and need seem to exponentially increase. They are beyond reach in a vast emotional way. I catch myself mentally vilifying them so I make the loss their loss, but the next moment I realize it is all a cover up, all a defense mechanism. Because I miss what I thought we had. It makes me sad but I try to understand. We are all messed up. We all are broken in some way. And maybe my broken pieces and their broken pieces just don’t fit right. So I remind myself that we are all going in different directions but we are all trying to get to the same place. And maybe one day we will drive by each other in our journey and wave, and remember, and continue on our separate paths.

I try to live positively and forgive them all for leaving me. But oh how I hurt. How they all hurt me.


Jennifer Arens said...

Beautifully put :) I miss you all the time :)

paul peggy zeus said...

Awww, sometimes you break my heart.

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