Thursday, May 24, 2012

Baby Brain: The Next Step

When Mr. Rogue and I started talking about getting pregnant we just assumed that it would be easy. In fact we postponed starting to try just in case we got pregnant right away. Once we were ready to start trying I bought "What to Expect When you are Expecting" and I borrowed "Taking Charge of your Fertility" from a friend. I read both books that first week cover to cover. I started taking my temperature, I used the ovulation strips and I carefully tracked everything. I knew exactly when I ovulated and I was confident that like everything else in my life that if I wanted it enough and I worked hard I could make it happen.

Oh if we had only known that this was going to be a very very long road of frustration, pain and desperation. All those years I was terrified of getting pregnant out of my timeline. I just assumed it would be so simple. I am now left stunned at just how hard it is for me to have a baby. I have never felt more out of control and disconnected with my body than I do at this point in my life. I am angry that it isn't "working" right and that my dream of becoming a mother seems to be slipping further and further out of my grasp. I am pissed that I find myself living my life in two separate cycles; the waiting to ovulate and then the waiting to see if we are pregnant. I have been destroyed at the end of that month more months than I care to count. I just have to tell myself maybe next month will be the month that I get pregnant and we finally get to have a baby.

Often I feel robbed of my present. I know that this isn't healthy, I know I need to relax, I know I have to let go of the iron grip of control I want to try and force on this situation… but changing who you are is just so hard.

It has now been a year since the last miscarriage. Last year my OBGYN gave me two choices. We could either go home and try on our own or I could start taking medication. We opted to follow her recommendation and to go home and try without the medication. Although I wasn't ready a year ago to try more drastic measures to get pregnant I am ready now. I went in today for my yearly checkup and while I was there I spoke to the doctor about Clomoid. We talked about its advantages, its horrible but manageable side effects and the hoped for outcome of getting pregnant. I am too far along in this cycle to start the medication but next month I am hopeful that this new drug will be the solution to our problem.

At least it gives me new hope.


paul peggy zeus said...

My wish for you is that one day soon you will experience the joys of motherhood. I pray for you often that you will be blessed with a child soon. Hang in there!

Jennifer Arens said...

You've both come a long way and here's to medication hopefully moving the process along swiftly!

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