Friday, March 9, 2012

Baby Brain: Somehow… Someway… Someday

I have so many friends now with kids. Little mini me’s starting to walk and talk, little people growing up and getting older, and moms gushing about their adorableness. Some women aren’t quite sure if they are cut out to be mothers. Some women don’t want kids at all. I have always known I wanted to be a mom, heck I have been mothering everyone for most of my life but I am getting to the depressive point of wondering if it will ever happen. Will I ever become a mother? All those dreams, all that struggle, is it all for nothing.

I see little kids everywhere, little shoes and big laughs and I ache with want for a child for myself. Lately I have been trying to imagine my life if a baby does not end up in my future. Of course we are going to try everything we can to have a child of our own however not every couple CAN have children… and maybe it just won’t happen for us.

So I have been spending time trying to create a plan B in my head. If we don’t have kids what are the benefits. No diapers, no sleepless nights, no cheerios stuck in every seam of my car and long lazy Sundays spent in bed sound nice. Maybe we would own a few homes; a villa in Italy, a small bungalow in Hawaii, a condo in Aspen. Maybe we could retire early, not own a home, we both enjoy traveling and we could spend years being citizens of the world.

All these maybe’s, this plan B, it isn’t what I really want but isn’t that what life is all about. Making a plan A, a plan B and then D happens. The older I get the more I realize that there is no such thing as a planned anything. We make plans, plans get messed up and all that messed up stuff, the stuff that just happens, that is what life is all about. Life is dealing with the unplanned aftermath of chaos.


I have always thought it would be fabulous to adopt a child. I remember when I first started dating Mr. Rogue, it was a few months into our relationship and we were having this fantastic slow lazy dinner. At one point the conversation turned to what our idea of a good life would contain. We both mentioned a good marriage like our parents, we both mentioned a home and we both mentioned a family; however while we were talking about how many kids we would like I mentioned that I would love to adopt someday. His reaction was passionate and immediate. He wasn’t at all interested in adopting, he was adamant about wanting his own children and that was final.

I remember this so well because when I was dropped off at home later that evening his statement really bothered me. It bothered me for weeks. It bothered me so much that I wondered if I could be with someone who was so opposed to adoption. Much later when I was pretty sure that this guy would be my happily ever after I revisited that dream of adopting a child and I had to fold it up and tuck it away.


A few months ago, after I lost the second pregnancy, we were devastated. Building dreams, watching them grow and then seeing them crumble right out from under you is mind-numbingly difficult. Sadly Mr. Rogue and I are becoming experts in difficult.

One evening we were eating dinner talking about our dreams of a family and other options for having a child. We discussed seeing more specialists, in vitro fertilization and even surrogacy. We aren’t ready to throw the towel in yet on having children of our own, and I know this is a terribly long hard difficult road, but we are determined to try all we can.

And just when I was feeling overwhelmed by the possibility of never becoming a mother Mr. Rogue threw me a curve ball. He brought up the conversation we had so very long ago, when we were just two people starting our journey into becoming soul mates. He remembered that I had wanted to adopt one day, he remembered his reaction to that idea and he told me that all of this we have been through in the past two years has changed his mind. He said that if all this doesn’t work out to where we can have children of our own he would be open to exploring the possibility of adopting a baby. Right there, in the middle of dinner, I felt like he handed me the most precious gift.

All of my dreams of becoming a mother up until that point were all hinging on me being able to bring a healthy baby into the world. With the option of adoption back in my little taped up dreams that pressure of HAVING to bring a biological baby into the world has been lifted. Now even if we never have a biological child he opened up the option for us to still be parents. I will become a mother… somehow… someway… someday.


Sonja said...

I remember when my husband pushed back trying to have a baby over and over again and the last time he did it, I thought "Well, what if he does it again?" and I had to seriously think about what I would do if we didn't get around to babies and make a Plan B.

In a way it was depressing... but in another sense it was kind of liberating to think "Ok, I'll have an awesome life no matter what." And oh, do I ever know the ache of wanting kids but not having them! My first marriage ended after three years of trying to reconcile my wanting kids with every fiber of my being with my now-ex-husband NOT wanting them just as fervently. It wasn't the same struggle as TTC, but it was a very, very similar heartache of wondering IF it would ever happen.

Anyhow - you'll be a mother and you'll be an amazing mother and until it happens, you'll have an amazing life :)

Inzodda said...

I know your were born to be a Mother, and I believe with every fiber of my being it will happen for you. I am so happy to hear Mr. Rogue is now open to conversations of adoption.

lilmansworld said...

I'm so happy you both are open to so much. You guys deserve all your dreams :)

paul peggy zeus said...

You are right, you've been a mother since your brother was born 18 short months after you were, but I know it's not the same as having your own child for real. I know in my heart one day you will have your wish, but for some reason, HE is making you wait a little bit longer.

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