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Friday, December 2, 2011

Instinct & Nature

I had Baby Blue for her first overnight stay yesterday while her parents got a little time away, a fancy dinner, an all you can drink party, basically a night on the town which ended in a lovely stay in a hotel; basically a time to be kid free adults. They got to pretend not being parents for a whole 24 hours and I got to pretend to be a mommy for a whole 24 hours. It was a win win situation for all of us.

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Watching Baby Blue was much different than when I watched Baby Bambi two weeks ago. Baby Blue is 14 months while Baby Bambi is three and oh what a gigantic chasm there is between those ages. Fish and birds... we are talking about fish and birds here!

With a three year old the attention span is longer, the kid actually listens and there is that whole talking/potty training thing that is pretty helpful. A one year old however is a bit of trial and error, a bit of mind reading and a ton of patient common sense. Oh how I wished for psychic abilities at times... Edward where are you I need you!!!!

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Although her innocent blue eyes can deceive you into believing she is the most perfect sweet baby of all time, Baby Blue has been at times labeled a challenging baby. I was a tiny bit worried when her mom dropped her off, and yes only a tiny bit. I vowed that regardless of how Baby Blue actually was I would feed little white lies to Mrs. Rambo; parents never want to hear that their kids were hard to deal with, however I can say with complete honesty that she was a perfect angel. Mrs. Rambo your kid is not only adorable but also KICK BUTT.

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After the first hour I couldn’t help but knowing deep down how RIGHT it felt to have a child cuddled in my arms. It felt right to have a baby to hug, right to have laughter fill my home, right to play and teach and love a little one. What feels wrong is that I don’t have a baby of my own yet.

WRONG. WRONG. So very very WRONG.

I adore the children of my friends and family in my life. I love having them, watching them; spending time with them. However being around kids and wanting one so badly of my own is SO HARD. If I am honest in the deepest parts of my heart I am jealous. Never before have I coveted something so hard that someone else has. Jealousy is an ugly difficult thing to grapple with and it just does not sit right with me.

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I am by nature a fighter, I fight for what I want and if something seems to be a little too challenging I just fight that much harder. I don’t fail, it isn’t in my nature to give up, I plan, I execute the plan and I succeed. Yet every day I cannot help but feel a tiny bit of a failure and often I feel like hope is lost.

What is so terrible about this situation is that my usual way to success is counterproductive. The more I go into fight mode, the more I attempt to push myself to attaining my goal and the more I let stress build month after month the more I am creating a situation that is actually making it less likely for my body to be in a good place to get pregnant and carry a child.

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The answer is simple... turn off my fight. But fight or flight is instinct; how do I go against the core of who I am, go against the person I have been for the past 32 years. I have often been called stubborn, pig headed, a bull in a china shop, all negative names for my single minded determination to succeed. My mother always said that our greatest strengths also cause our greatest challenges. Ahhh how I struggle.

Not only is it hard to change our instinct it is also hard to be able to look clearly in the mirror at your true self, analyze without judging and then make a plan to try and fix some of those things you don’t like. The ability to step out of Rogue LALA land and into reality. Oh growing up is so hard to do.

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Bottom line I need to stop fighting, stop thinking so much, just calm down and enjoy the moments with these little ones. Instead of being envious about the things I don’t have I have to work on being confident that the future will bring my happily ever after, regardless of what that looks like.

Faith. Trust. Hope. I surrender to you. Or at least I will try.

4 comments:

Sonja said...

It really is SO HARD to work with kiddos when you're yearning for one of your own. Before being a mom, I was a nanny and a preschool teacher - and for several of those years, I was also married to someone who declared that he didn't want children, ever. Working with kids and living with someone who didn't want them... I went bonkers. Seriously, went nutty. After the divorce, it was easier. Knowing that I *could* have kids someday made it a little bit easier to go home at the end of the day to a baby-less home. Still such a hard thing to do though.

lilmansworld said...

beautifully spoken :) Its much like meeting your soulmate: you search and search and the ONE finds YOU.

paul peggy zeus said...

I do pray that one day you will have that little one in your arms and it will be all YOURS! (and Mr Rogues, of course). They say if you pray hard enough, God will hear. I'm praying really, really hard, baby girl.

paul peggy zeus said...
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