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Friday, October 28, 2011

Baby Brain: A Failure

I found out I was pregnant with our first pregnancy a year ago, since then I have lost that pregnancy as well as another. Two pregnancies, two failed attempts at fulfilling our dream of becoming parents and I am just HEARTBROKEN. We have been trying for almost two years now and I feel like my dreams are sliding through my fingers; elusive, beyond my grasp and I find some days I am just losing hope.

The doctors don’t know what is wrong, everyone just says to give it time, but I am just hurt. I want a baby; I have wanted to be a mother always. It was never a question for me ‘if’ I would ever have children; it was only a question of when... or so I thought. I just never thought it would be this hard to have a baby.

As time keeps sliding by I still grapple with my pain. I cannot even look at a pregnant woman without a devastating buckle to my knees. My throat closes up and I feel like I cannot breathe. The curve of a woman’s belly blurred my vision... not with jealousy or rage... but at my body’s own failure. At my failure of not being good enough.

The intellectual part of my brain asks for some slack. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, I know that those pregnancies ended for a reason, I know that my inability to carry a child isn’t in some way correlated to failure but that is how I feel. I feel like it is all my fault.

If I am not pregnant in six months I am going to start talking to my doctor about other options. I am 32, I want at least two children, more if I can convince Mr. Rogue and time is a wasting. Either I am having my own children, we are going to start conversations about surrogacy or we are adopting. In the end I will have a child. I WILL.

Now I just need to work on that whole patience thing.

3 comments:

lilmansworld said...

this post should be titled 'failure, not an option'....you can make it happen hun :)

Jess said...

I think with all the new energy coming into your life a change is going to come. Love you!

paul peggy zeus said...

This makes me very sad. :(

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