Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Baby Brain: Boot Camp Training

This past weekend I babysat Baby Rambo so her parents could enjoy a fancy dinner, you know without having to power order, entertain a one year old and try to shovel their food faster into their mouth before the baby lost their shit. We didn’t set a time for them to be back, no curfew as I didn’t have any other plans for my Saturday night anyways. However I laughed so hard I almost spewed Diet Coke out my nose when I received a text three hours later that and they had just finished their meal. Because you know they got to talk, and order an appetiser, and then there was the after dinner drink and desert and CONVERSATION.

I am desperately hoping for a child of my own soon, in the mean time I love to borrow my friend’s kids. Its good training and it’s like ‘rent a baby’, a perfectly amazing concept that my husband wants to turn into a small business. Want kids but don’t want the full time responsibility, come rent a child from our home, take them out to play, borrow them for family gatherings and then return them when you are done.

I regress. So babysitting my friends kids, I get to play with the baby, spoil them rotten, swoop in for some play time and some snugly hugs and then hand the dirty diapered, dripping snot child back to the parents when I am done. I consider it a win on days where I want to take a three hour nap in the middle of the day. Because that nap... it is not going to take itself!

So yes babysitting gets my fix but I have to admit even with the experience I have with kids, I still make some nubie mistakes. Take into evidence, the bedtime check-up. So I follow Mrs. Rambo’s instructions for putting down the baby to a T. I change her diaper, I dress her in the pj’s left out, I give her bottle and as she quietly sips away at her milk I read her exactly two bedtime stories. Confident I have done everything specified I drop a kiss on the baby’s head and then I place her in her crib. Easy peasy.

Now comes the hard part, the part where Mrs. Rambo assures me she will cry for a few minutes and then fall asleep. She cried for exactly two minutes and then I hear silence. So I flick on my movie, but then I start thinking... is it too silent. What if she stopped crying because she choked, or what if she hit her head and was unconscious? I can’t see her breathing in the baby monitor so I decide to just take a peak, you know quickly to make sure the kid is still alive.

But you see the floors in that old house well they creak. And I am not talking about little tiny creaks I am talking about big huge blowout creaks. I walk as silently as I can up to the door. I slowly turn the knob; I crane my head into the room trying to look into the crib when all the sudden an angry baby head pops up and screams in my face!!!!!

What do I do, I shut the door and freeze as the screaming continues. Now she knows she has got me, I cannot move because what if that just solidifies to her that I was there. Maybe if I stay perfectly still, if I don’t breath, if I don’t make a move then she will think I was a figment of her imagination and she will just go back to sleep. After a few cries it is silent.

I am paralyzed now. It is almost as if she senses me through the door and there is no way I can move, she will hear me creaking all the way down the hall for sure. Indecisive I just stand there and wait. I mean in a contest of wills between a one year old and myself I should win right. OH I WAS SO GOING TO WIN!!!

So I stand there for a good five minutes. The room has been silent all this time, so I come up with a game plan. Maybe, just maybe, if I walk on the edges of the floor, close to the sides of the wall then the floor will not creak as much and I can escape back to the movie that is still playing that I am totally missing. So I slowly start creeping down the hall, my legs spread, and taking baby steps near the edges of the hallway floor. But then my plan goes awry because this floor, it is an equal opportunity creeker and well the outsides start creaking as much as the center ever did... maybe it was even more. I am about half way down the hall before I hit the mother of all creaks; it is the loudest creak ever. I froze in fear and I swear I heard the big gulp of air that baby took before she let out an ear piercing scream. Yes your highness you heard me, I am creaking down the hallway. You win.

So I creaked down the rest of the hallway, sat back on that couch, listened to the baby cry for another three minutes and then when it became silent again no amount of anything in the world will make me check on that baby. The baby monitor will just have to do. Universe I have learned my lesson.


lilmansworld said...

Hahah I can just imagine you in that house :) I remember doing that too, in fact I still do that while renting my baby lol

ssm said...

You sound like a mom already. I cannot tell you how many times that's happened to me with my own kids. (I'm desperate for a baby, now, too--three year olds don't cut it!)

kimsueellen said...

Thank you for stopping by the blog and leaving some love. It very much made my day. xo

Sonja said...

Oh yeah. Been there.

I also must say that i really truly enjoyed nannying for the reasons you mention. Hey! I get to play with kids all day and then sleep through the night and then, on top of that, they pay me in money! Seriously, I loved it and they could have paid me in snuggles and Cheerios and I would have been totally fine with that. (Though my gas tank doesn't take Cheerios, so... problems there.)

I will say that I can finally nap when my baby naps and oh, it is GLORIOUS.

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