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Monday, August 15, 2011

Baby Brain: A Hidden 'Bonfire' Gem

I woke up this morning with a raging migraine, you know the kind where you see the tinkling little lights in your peripheral vision; lights that remain ‘just’ out of sight as if to taunt you. I don’t get migraines that often, in fact I cannot remember the last time I had one, but this was the mother of all migraines. Like there was a pregnant migraine in my head, she had swollen ankles, a raging case of reflux, and she was giving birth; basically this migraine... she was pissed.

Since Mr. Rogue had to work all day I opted to just give up on the day. Walk away from all the plans I had and just give up. Because that was my only defence, retreat! So instead of all the fabulous things I planned to do I stayed in bed all morning which then carried into all afternoon, a cold washcloth over my eyes and tried to stay calm and sleep. Meanwhile that crazy pissed off pregnant migraine kept raging. I wondered how long does a migraine take to give birth and go away... six hours, seven... sigh.

I missed all day of Mrs. Dancer’s Beach Bonfire and I would be damned if I was going to miss all evening too. I decided to get up, give the dang migraine an extra strength Tylenol or four, essentially numbing my brain to the pain, and headed out the door. I arrived late, but at least I arrived, I do so hate to flake out when I say I am going to be somewhere.

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MY BFF, AND THE HOSTESS, MRS. DANCER AND I

Of course the BBQ part of the party was heinous for my diet. I had to dodge left and deny myself the hot dogs, dodge right and deny myself the chips and dip, do the splits and deny myself the cookies and then a triple sow cow (yea for all the skating fans who get this) over the worst temptation... the s’mores. Thankfully I stayed strong, I chewed my grilled chicken, cucumber and apple slices that I brought and I focused on the fact that the scale would love me tomorrow even if my s’mores loving soul was cursing the denial.

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I love fires, open to the elements, even better if on the beach. The bonfire reminded me of camping without having to leave the LALA area and without having to figure out how to pitch the tent. I think that is what I love about Mrs. Dancer’s annual party, it’s a little bit of outdoorsness in the middle of the great big city. I can go there, get my fire fix, and be home in time to wash off the smoke smell and curl up in my oh so comfy bed.

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It was cold so I was thanking the lord for how warmly I dressed. The last two years I left the house when the sun was up footloose and fancy free in shorts and a tank top. I learned the hard was that Los Angeles summers can get frigidly cold once that great big ball of fire sinks below the skyline. Hence why I was wearing my down vest... and why we were all huddled around the fire to keep warm.

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I have to say that therapy is obviously working, I have less problems trying to be perfect, which I know now is a futile endeavour however I do still try. So because I am trying to be less perfect I find myself taking my therapists advice. I am sharing my inadequacies more and in turn finding hidden gems of hope. For instance tonight, my opening up to another woman about Mr. Rogue and my recent attempts to have a child and the two miscarriages I had, led to a discussion about her very long road to conceiving and delivering a healthy baby. Our faces washed in the red glow from the fire we were two women sharing tragedy, her 6 miscarriages and then finally her healthy delivery of a boy and my pain and the two miscarriages I have had and the fear that I may be in for more of them.

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At the end she transitioned into offering to refer me to her high risk OBGYN at UCLA, which is where I have been thinking of looking for a new doctor. Hidden gem, a referral to a great doctor that she loves at just the right time I am looking for a new doctor at the exact facility where I was thinking of transferring my care to. BONUS!

DESPITE how open I am about my private life on this blog, in general, I am a very private person. I just have to keep telling myself that being vulnerable – in the real world - isn’t weak and that sharing openly may just be the best cure of all.

3 comments:

Inzodda said...

I like the sounds of this a lot as we discussed on the phone. I am happy you found this gem. :)

lilmansworld said...

OMG 6! That is so torturous! Well I hope your gem sparkles some light on your uterus times 2!

paul peggy zeus said...

Love that last fire shot and the warmth inside and out that a fire can spark. I love more that we find those kindred spirits when we least expect them and how they can help so much in the healing process without ever knowing it.

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