Wednesday, July 6, 2011


The past four years have been rough. Rough, hard, shattering.... and in the moments between despair and sorrow I wonder why my perfect world fell apart. Since I was very young I had the ability to visualize what I want, reach for it and eventually I succeed. This has been one of my best qualities to not let anything get in the way. I set a goal, I execute the plan and nothing that gets thrown in my path can detour me.

I have always been able to orchestrate what I want and then something happened, a series of some things that broke my ordered ability to achieve all I wanted. Four years later I am still recovering from that fall; the fall of home construction gone terribly and horribly wrong, the fall of being unable to protect my brother, the fall of selling my soul for my career and the fall of losing that career I had wrapped so much of me in, the fall of sinking into a deep and all encompassing depression, the fall of a trusted friends black heart and the fall of an eating disorder. I went through the first 27 years of my life with a well organized problem free plan, filled with all the things I wanted for myself, and then four years ago the problems started. Problems that I was just not equip to handle. Problems that eventually pulled me underwater.

Yet I have struggled, I have wonderfully supportive parents, I have true friends who love me even in my most shattered moments and I have an amazing husband who held my hand through it all. I often wonder what all this struggling means, is it fate, was it put in my path to make me stronger, did I go through all this so I can prepare to be more than I was, am I like a butterfly coming from a cocoon preparing my wings for flight. Is this struggle nature’s way of strengthening me. Or is this all just random chance, was I incredibly lucky those first 27 years and now have I just been incredibly unlucky the past 4 years.

I will never get my answers I know. All I can do is try and move forward. Try and continue to put things back together. Continue struggling and fighting until I am truly happy again. Some things are smoothing out and some things I know need much more work. However I do feel like things are getting better, not back to where they were, never back to where they were, but I do feel like I am moving toward a better me. A me I can be happy with. Until then I will continue to struggle, always fighting, because I will not ever give up.


paul peggy zeus said...

I love the butterfly analogy. Take those beautiful wings and soar. We can never go back, so we continue onward.

lilmansworld said...

Hearing you say you were 'unable to protect my brother' makes me sad babe....you WILL one day get your answers, maybe just shift your focus off your struggles and live life without regret and be like a tree and branch :) you a wonderful, beautiful, caring person(which probably isn't consoling, albeit true) and when you feel that all hope is gone let someone else take the reigns

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