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Monday, June 27, 2011

Stay at Home __________

I don’t work, I don’t have a child... what am I doing exactly....

The answer is that initially I was taking some time for me. I was spending quite a bit of effort working on managing my depression. I started losing weight and focusing on my exercising. I slept in and read all the books on my list I was just too busy to read while working full time on a busy career and keeping a house and husband happy. I worked more on my blog, I picked up photography, I spent more time with my niece. I traveled to far off places and did what I wanted... it has been a fabulous opportunity for me to just be me.

And then we started to try and conceive right on our time schedule, the problem is that life often will not be scheduled. The free lifestyle I had planned to turn over to motherhood is still free, and although free is great, free can also be too free. I feel a little selfish. It has been almost a year and a half since we started trying to have a baby, a year and a half of ups and downs, a year and a half realizing that this may take quite a bit more time than either of us originally thought.

I am left with wondering what to do. The numerous amount of punches in my life still keep trying to knock me out, thankfully I am still standing, but since I cannot be a mother yet I find myself wondering 'What I am standing for?'. I haven’t decided yet what I am going to do, however, I am considering making some changes. Either some freelance in advertising or branching out into something new. What I am finding is that I need something else to do, something perhaps to contribute to society, anything else except do what I have been doing for the past year and a half which is obsess over me and my uterus.

Right now I am letting this marinate. I don’t want to make any huge impulsive decisions. But I feel the winds of change may be coming my way.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

goodluck to you, once you know what you really want in life.. just remember, that sometimes, it is not only about how you want to handle your life, but also about how your life will be and handle them. You are such an amazing person full of courage and strength, there's more about you that you can share and make a difference. And while you stumble along the way, draw yourself closer to HIM and never give up, he would take your wholeheartedly without conditions without questions..

the fruits with bambi :)

paul peggy zeus said...

I think it's a great idea to take a class in the fall - there's so much to choose from: Cooking, Photography, Art, Astronomy, whatever it is YOU decide, and I'm sure you will, Don't worry, BE HAPPY!

lilmansworld said...

you don't really 'stay at home' though.....you are a doer. I agree with anonymous and let someone else take the reigns for awhile. I smell a long convo with my sis-in-law in the winds too.....

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