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Sunday, May 1, 2011

Emotional Barometer

I know now after years of living with depression the signs when things are going really well and when things are going really badly; kind of an emotional barometer for my life. When I am having a bad period I hole up, I close up, I withdraw from most of my activities and I fake it with a tough exterior and a mask when I have to go out. I inevitably end up gaining weight and I call my mother all the time. On the flip side when I am doing fantastically I always lose weight, I call my mother with less urgent frequency and I go out almost all the time. Things seem easier, the to-do lists that wracked up while I was in a low period disappear with ease and in general life is fabulous.

But things that go up must always come down. I know that. So as I ride this high tide of good there is always a little part of my mind saying ‘I wonder when the axe will fall’ and the clouds will roll in again.

I think Phylicia Rashad, who played Clair Huxtable in ‘The Cosby Show’, put into words what I am feeling. She was in an abusive relationship. The abuse wasn’t often, only a few times a year, yet she said the worst thing wasn’t the occasional beatings it was the all the anxiety everyday of wondering when the fist would fall. The constant terror that today may be the day.

So right now I am doing well... so well in fact that I have lost 15 pounds and my mother is complaining that I am mad at her because I am calling her less (she is totally kidding she knows what the more infrequent calls mean, she says she can hear it in my voice when I am happy). Yet even in all this glorious sunshine of being really happy I am still wondering what big cloud is going to come at me next.

Until then I will live day by day happy!

2 comments:

paul peggy zeus said...

The axe has been burned. The fist has been severed and all the clouds are gone my dear. You are healing and I think the worst part of the storm has passed. I truly believe that one day you will no longer need your therapist or your mommy for the kind of support you sometimes need.Although I never mind you calling, I'm always here for you and look forward to a happier, healthier YOU!!

lilmansworld said...

being a grownup has its ups and down and I feel you are doing swimmingly :)

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