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Monday, May 30, 2011

Baby Brain: Where is My Guardian Angel

I waited till today after my appointment with my OBGYN to upload Monday’s post, because I was hoping against hope for a miracle.

Being pregnant makes me dance on the clouds in happiness, at last it is my turn and although I know there isn’t much I can do I try to do everything I can to have a successful pregnancy. I pray every day, I eat the right foods, I don’t life anything heavy, I rest and really there hasn’t been an ounce of stress this week. I have had visions of my future unborn children, there were even a few dreams about having twins. There is really nothing I want in my life except children. I have a wonderful man who thinks I am the best thing on this planet, we are financially stable, we have a home and I have fabulous friends and family. Children are really the only thing I want in this world. But whatever I do it is just never good enough.

Sunday morning I woke up with mild cramping and light spotting. By Sunday afternoon things took a turn for the worse I knew I was miscarrying. I cried in my husband’s strong arms, I called my mother and then cried some more... and then I spoke to my doctor.

Basically there is nothing I can do... I have lost another baby.

Every so often I find myself questioning the purpose of life and whether or not there really is a higher power. It’s just not hard for me to wonder in moments like these, as dreams of my baby fall yet again through my fingers; whether or not there really is a reason we are walking around and breathing. Up until 5 years ago I had a perfect blessed life, I often thought that I had a guardian angel watching over me. Some things were hard but I always managed to come out on top. Somewhere between there and here I have lost my stride, the crap hit the fan and I have been floundering ever since. I CAN’T BREATH.

My OBGYN is keeping my original Tuesday appointment so that she can run a bazillion tests. In her words she is ‘determined to get to the bottom of why I lost another child in less than 6 months’. I just really don’t understand. I know the saying when it rains it pours but I really just can’t take it anymore.

So tonight I am on my knees praying yet again for my happily ever after; praying for a family, praying to understand, praying to get rid of the uncontrollable anger and praying to forgive. I feel like I am drowning yet again.

I am getting used to drowning... and it sucks.

If you are the praying sort, I hope that you will send up some prayers for me, my adoring husband and my family.

6 comments:

Nicole said...

Praying for you right this instant darling. Nothing to say except that LOVE and FAITH will make this better, eventually. Offering you some of mine until you find yours again. IT will happen, you will have beautiful children someday.

Cheryl said...

i know these times are hard for you sweet sis...you have all the rights to question, ponder, and wonder, but this is all i can say, never stop believing that someday, you will have your dream child (maybe twins!), you hold in your arms and realize that God after all, is present. sometimes, there are things in this life that He cannot take control , but He has people to help you find you the right path and its up to you to follow them.. we all care about you and we will always be here for you..

lilmansworld said...

My life group lifted you up in our prayers tonight :)

Kim & Chris said...

I am so sorry to read your news tonight. I am thinking of you and Mr. Rogue.

Ashley @ Ashley Everyday said...

I am sorry about your loss. I will keep your family in my prayers.

paul peggy zeus said...

Sometimes things happen that we cannot understand. Never ever give up the faith in God. He has a plan for you, I know He does. I am so very sorry you have to endure such incredible pain. Know that I love you and pray that you will find peace.

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