Monday, April 18, 2011

Learning to Say No

I have been working with my therapist lately on trying to pinpoint WHY with my depression I eat when I am sad, upset, and emotional. Don’t get me wrong I am nowhere near where I was a year ago or even two years ago, those pits of darkness are hopefully behind me for good. But I am left ravaged emotionally from that pit, with an extra 60 pounds on my body and no solution to fix it. So things are so much better, but that doesn’t mean that I still don’t have bad days and I do still struggle with food.

Recently my therapist and I came to a mini breakthrough. We realized that I do not like, understand, nor am I willing to accept the word ‘no’. This factor has made me who I am, if I want something like better grades, to become a better photographer, or even my career I work very hard in order to get it. I also work on couching my wants, I don’t for instance decide I want to become an astronaut, let’s face it that is a little beyond the scope of reality. But because I have learned to only want things that I thought I could obtain I have succeeded at practically everything I have ever tried. In essence never saying no to something I want.

I was talking to my good friend Ms. Pool Shark about this and she gave this great quote by Eleanor Roosevelt.

“Often our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses.”

So by not saying no to that new car, or that promotion, or becoming a better photographer everything was in my grasp. It is awesome and something I really pride myself on. However translate that to my depression and food and it is devastating. Being unable to say no when I want a piece of cake, or a brownie, or McDonalds has always been too hard. Hell getting my butt out the door for necessary things was often too much. Maybe it was the depression, maybe it was me being lazy, call it what it is but I just couldn’t say ‘no’.

Over the past few weeks I have been working on exercises, things where I allow myself to say ‘no’ to food but then also visualize the goal of me healthier, happier and thinner. Bottom line I need to not look at saying ‘no’ to a piece of cake as the end of the world, I need to see it as committing to a long term goal verses a short term goal.

It seems silly, that one little change, but it is working. Over the past few weeks I have successfully been able to eat well. I am not cheating, I am not eating fast food anymore and I still haven’t had any sugar in almost two weeks. This is huge. I can see the pounds melting away and you know what, me saying no isn’t causing the drama, the violent need to eat more like it used to.

I have always had a very analytical mind, I prefer dealing with tangible checks and balances, and I always try very hard to see things from all points of view. Whenever I have been faced with a problem too big for me to handle before I have always broken it into small pieces, tackling each piece allowed me to eventually concur the whole. HOWEVER being depressed and suffering from an eating disorder has been the hardest thing to wrap my head around. Everything is loosey goosey, nothing is solid or dissectible. How can you break up a large problem if you don’t even understand how it works or what I am dealing with... it has literally been maddening?.

I am hesitant to say I have turned a corner on this whole bingeing thing but really coming from a void of darkness in not being able to understand I can now say I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I can say is thank God!


lilmansworld said...

What an honest post :) You can do it!

paul peggy zeus said...

Once you start seeing the results of all your efforts, I think it will propel you further and further along the right path. Keep up the good work.

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