Friday, February 18, 2011

They Gave Me Dirty Looks

I went to the grocery store today, you know to buy groceries, and normally this is a task I do alone, in the middle of the day, on a weekday, alone. I love how the store is virtually empty, how I can lazily walk through the aisles and spend extra time doing things like comparing the ingredients and calories of various salad dressings or go to the magazine isle and flip through a few random pages. Today however was far from normal. Instead of my usual solo, chi latte sipping stroll through the store I was one + two year old niece. For all you moms, I KNOW YOU KNOW ALL THIS ALREADY, but for us non-child people, let me tell you that her presence handicapped me in ways I found vastly and uncomfortably crippling.

First there was the amount of stuff you have to take with a baby. Babies come with so many accessories I am a tiny bit jealous. There I said it, got it off my chest and I feel infinitely better. That bag holds baby crack (Gerber puffs, I swear this kid will do ANYTHING for them), their own personal toilet (diapers and wipes), their favorite beverage (milk) and even entertainment (toys). I mean if I carried around the adult equivalent of a diaper bag for me it would contain my own personal crack (chocolate layered cheesecake), a really nice bathroom with marble and jasmine scented candles, my favorite beverage (wine or diet coke) and entertainment (Adele to sing me songs). Oh yea and don’t forget my own personal giant servant to interpret my every want and need.

Anyways, I digress. Normally, on my grocery store runs, it’s just me and the purse, this trip was me, my purse, the diaper bag, the cart cover upper thing that prevents a child from contracting the millions of germs on the oh so nasty cart handles… oh yea and the kid. Right there, that first trying to get everything situated spot moment, the part where I have to attempt to tie the cart cover up thing on the cart in the rain exactly where my purse usually goes. That moment should have set the stage for today’s drama.

Ok so the kids in the seat with the cart cover attached quazi correctly, both my purse and the enormous diaper bag are in the cart and I am in the store. I feel like I am getting into the swing of it. We are walking around the produce department and I am attempting to push the cart and dodge the little hands trying to tear apart and eat my list. I am managing and although difficult it’s not impossible, I make the mistake of thinking shopping with a kid isn’t all that bad.

I finish with the produce section and the ‘hi’ starts. Every single person that walks by Baby Fruit says hi too. Mostly it’s adorable, I mean Baby Fruit is ADORABLE so the hi is generally met with a hi back. We turn another corner, Baby Fruit is getting bored so I grab one of the many toys in the diaper bag out. Instead of playing with the toy instead she innocently looks up at me and says… Sh&# Fu*@! in her adorable little voice.

My mouth drops to the ground and my mind starts to race. Did I say that in front of her, did she get it from me, am I going down as the aunt who babysat her sister-in-laws kid only to bring her back 4 hours later with a larger vocabulary including two choice swear words. As my mind is racing I see Baby Fruit taking in the chaos. She has my complete attention and she knows it. So she says it again… louder this time… Sh&# Fu*@!

I cringe. I have no idea what to do. So in a low voice I say very sternly: ‘No Baby Fruit, that is a bad word. Don’t say that.’

Her delight only escalates and people start to stare. I am almost finished shopping, I only have the dairy department left so I decide to muscle through and finish. As I am walking through the last isles my adorable little cherub is yelling… Sh&# Fu*@! The stares of the few other people in the store are getting excruciatingly horrible.

‘She isn’t mine.’ I say as if that will excuse what she is saying. I only realize that people think I am lying and really that isn’t an excuse. So I silently bear the scrutiny. I try desperately to distract my little pottie mouth niece, I am sweating now and aggravated.

We finally made it through the checkout, got back to the house, unloaded the baby, all her stuff, and the groceries all in the rain. I sat in my living room exhausted after a ‘quick’ run to the store. Everything is so much harder with a kid but at least life is never boring.


Good news of the day however was when I found out Baby Fruit had picked up the bad words accidentally from TV a few days ago. At least all I had was a bad grocery shopping experience instead of corrupting a poor innocent two year old.


paul peggy zeus said...

That was funny and reminds me of how kevin always said firef--k in public. A hard thing to break. OH yeah, you think shopping with a kid is hard, try a two year old in the toddler seat, an infant inside the shopping cart and a three and a half year old who can only hold her pee for twenty minutes at a time! Don't worry that there's no room to put the groceries, so you haul a second cart behind you. Meanwhile, the baby cries, the three year old wets herself and the two year old starts crying too! OH YEAH, I remember!!

lilmansworld said...

yes that is precisely why I go grocery shopping alone! all the books say don't let your child bother you and eventually they'll give up but that is so easier said than actually done. You will see when you're here that a lot of lilmans words can be translated into other questionable words as well. Bring him a sucker and you'll double over in laughter.

Cheryl said...

lmao, sorry im so late in here, ive been browsing on your blogs and came accross this one! haha! thats so funny! i mean , seriously, its not, knowing my baby fruit swears big time :( but, the way you handle it, i adore you for that.. not to mention the book you shared me on how to handle them, it was one of the books i am really glad i have read (u know me, you have to pay me to read lol) but that book was sooo worth it! i swear! i never know too much! thanks again!

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