Saturday, January 8, 2011

Therapy Month Seven

Therapy is a horrible agony and a breath of fresh air. I have to force myself to go twice a week to my hour sessions. They are not easy, normally they are filled with heartache, discovery and frustration. I spoke to a good friend of mine, someone who encouraged me to enter into therapy because therapy has helped her so much, she told me to keep going because if it hurts it’s working.

I have had conversations with my therapist about cost benefit analysis. One of the many things that bother me about therapy is that I do not have a definite quantifiable answer to my questions

“Will I be cured.”

“Will I have a great relationship with food again like I did before the shit hit the fan four years ago.”

“Will I ever have a healthy way of dealing with extreme emotion.”

All my therapist can assure me of is that therapy will make me better but better in my opinion can mean a lot of things. We use better in advertising and it is a misleading word. ‘Better’ in essence can mean barely anything. For instance - this skin cream will make your skin better, better to me can be one less zit or no acne forever. For example all gasoline for your car is essentially equal. The only difference between Shell and Chevron is that they add an eight of a teaspoon of their own special lubricant to each gallon and tout that their gasoline is better when in essence the addition is so negligible that it does not affect your car at all. ‘Better’ is such a loosy goosy word and it drives me nuts.

I just want a game plan, I want a time line, I want clear definable results and therapy just does not work like that. So I keep going hoping that better will be the happy place I envision (get to the top of the mountain) and not some crappy better (one step up the mountain and nowhere near the top). I just pray that the cost (me going to therapy when I hate it) is worth the benefit (a ‘better’ me).


Inzodda said...

Sometimes the short term cost is higher for a long term benefit. Much like the expense up front for solar panels to heat your home, but in the long term you will save money. I think your wonder of the cost benefit analysis here is scewed because you are very aware of the up front cost and unsure of the long term benefit. My opinion is therapy is working for you and the long term benefits will be to numerous to count. I am proud of you for sticking with it. xoxo

Jennifer said...

Therapy can be hard. Believe me I know what it feels like. I have been fighing an eating disorder as long as I can remember. Just keep in therapy it does help.

Jess said...

It's going to be something that gradually happens over time. I know that in the time you have been seeing her, I have seen many many positive changes in you.

So it's working, and one day when you are "cured" so to speak it will have snuck up on you and have seemed so natural you probably won't even notice it!

Love you, so proud of you for going back to it and sticking with it even though you hate it! hugs!

Julie said...

I lurk on your blog and I don't usually leave comments but I am in therapy and I tell you it works. Stick with it because sometimes you have to do the things you do not like in order to reap rewards.

Angelica Lynn said...

We are all broken in our own way. Have faith in God, he will take care of you.

Adrienne said...

Depression has been a chronic problem for me. It has come and gone in my life, and I've learned that knowing that you're lost in the woods and making the effort to find yourself again is a huge part of recovering. I can tell you honestly that if you continue to fight for yourself, you will get better. Truly, significantly better. Hang in there, lady. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

paul peggy zeus said...

I'm so proud of you for sticking through this even though it's painful, even though there are no easy answers, and even though there are no guarantees. You and I are much alike - we like to take control and know exactly what will happen when. I love you to pieces and just look at the support structure you have around you. It's more than more can ever hope to have.

lilmansworld said...

at least you are proactive in your endeavors and apparently people notice!

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