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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Blindsided

Yesterday I went back to S Factor, a pole dancing class I have been taking for the past three years. I stopped going when my pregnancy started making me really nauseous and then continued to not go when I lost the baby. This was my first class in over three months.

We do a warm up yoga/cardio/palates workout for the first hour. My body felt good stretching into the familiar poses, I did notice some loss in flexibility but I knew it was only a matter of a month of two worth of classes to get back where I was. I was feeling good, it was a great class until my dance. At the end of the class each girl puts on her own song and dances in front of the rest of the class. You literally step out of your mind and connect to emotion and your body. What is normally a great experience followed by a super great happy high turned out to be a nightmare.

I got up in front of the class, my song started, I felt the familiar sway of the music, I let go and all hell broke loose. When I slowed down and let my mind go free I realized in that moment how angry I was. Angry at my body for failing to have a baby, angry at my body for having an eating disorder and even angry that I was so sore from our warm-up workout when generally I am humming with energy after a warm-up workout.

It wasn’t a good dance but then it was a good thing that happened. Until that moment I had been feeling ok… handling the stress and the sorrow of losing my four month pregnancy. I guess I was so focused on not letting my depression spiral out of control that I failed to listen to other things I was feeling about my body.

By being in class I had to slow down, the mediation in the warm-up workout calmed my constantly racing thoughts, feeling my breath and concentrating only on that allowed some things to trickle to the surface. Now that I am aware of the anger I can go about working on healing it.

Those few moments after my dance when I was blindsided; my whole being was seething with rage but that was a moment when I saw me. It wasn’t pretty but it is truth and sometimes the hardest thing for us to see is ourselves.

3 comments:

Jess said...

I'm so glad that you went to class though. You honestly really needed that. It's a start to a whole new healing journey! I love you! xoxo

paul peggy zeus said...

You are so hard on yourself. Let yourself feel, it's okay to cry. Without sadness, there'd be no happiness, there can be no gain without loss. We could never experience joy without knowing true sorrow. Embrace life and all that you have and know there are those of use who truly love you.

lilmansworld said...

I'm crying for your pain :(

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