Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Baby Brain: One of the Worst Days of My Life

Mr. Rogue and I woke up at 5:00am to get to the hospital by 5:30am. We were admitted into the hospital and I was taken back to get ready for the operation. I was absolutely terrified. Being a healthy 32 year old I had never been admitted into the hospital for anything more than a broken arm when I was nine. Since then the only time I have ever been in a hospital was because someone was dying. I am terrified of hospitals, yet there I was sobbing and being led around by strangers, my husband was asked to wait in the waiting room. I was weighed, changed into a gown and shown a bed in a room full of other people... the sobbing continued through them drawing blood, through them putting in my very first IV... I was terrified and felt so alone and then an old nurse came up, wrapped her arms around me and just held me for a few minutes. My sobs slowly dwindled as she explained that they were giving me something for anxiety, the medication put me in a fog, a fog I greatly appreciated, and my old angel nurse went and got my husband to try and keep me calm.

A few minutes later they wheeled me into the operating room, I started panicking again, this can’t be happening, maybe there has been some mistake, maybe my baby is fine... and then the anaesthesiologist gave me medication I remember him asking me to count I tried to form the words, to deny that I needed surgery but I was out.

The first thing I saw when I woke up was my husband’s worried eyes, he stroked my hair and murmured that the doctor said everything went great, that there were no complications and that he was very happy with the surgery. I stumbled slowly back to consciousness blinking into and out of reality. We stayed for another two hours where my vitals were checked every fifteen minutes and I slowly recovered from the anaesthesia.

The doctor was able to confirm my doctors prognosis that the fetus had a chromosomal problem, he said there were sure indicating signs that the baby would have never survived. I didn’t ask specifics, it isn’t something I want to know.

Thankfully before I left they gave me another dose an anxiety and pain medication until we were able to get home to start my regiment of pills and rest. The doctors both encouraged us to have hope, both doctors assured us that 20-40% of all pregnancies end, they assured us that we are both young and healthy and that as long as there are no complications from the surgery we should be able to try to get pregnant again in two to three months.

For now Mr. Rogue and I are grieving and trying to come to terms with this terrible loss.


lilmansworld said...

at least you don't have to wait 6+ months! grieving time is important too, you unfortunately have had your fair share of grief though....

Ivy said...

Come back to us, honey. We are here for you. You don't have to do this alone.

paul peggy zeus said...

We can deal with anything when we bond together for added strength.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and just shed a couple tears for the pain you've gone through.

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