Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Baby Brain: Fourth Month Ultrasound

This morning Mr. Rogue and I woke up and went to our scheduled fourth month ultrasound screening. One the way to the doctor’s office we were talking about nursery decorations and continuing conversations about names. But when we arrived at the office and got our ultrasound we got the most terrible news, there was no heartbeat. Our baby passed away sometime in the past three days.

We are in shock... just 11 days ago we had gotten an ultrasound for genetic screening and everything was fine, the heartbeat was great, the baby was moving and kicking, the doctor was happy with how the pregnancy was going... and now in a single moment all our dreams are shattered.

The doctor left the room and gave us some time to grieve for our loss but really we just sat there staring at each other in stupefied shock. Once the doctor came back the inevitable questions poured out; why, how could this happen, why, why, why, WHY MY BABY WHYYYYYYYYYYYY.... and then the horrible reality of what to do next.

Her best guess was that the baby had a chromosomal problem that was not detected in the ultrasound. A problem that normally would have resulted in an early miscarriage during the first trimester but for some reason the baby was able to survive until the fourth month. Of course the inevitable questions ran through my mind; was it all the traveling I have been doing, did I miss a day of my prenatal vitamins, did I eat something I shouldn’t have, did I pick up something heavy, did I fall recently... But she assured us that this was something that happened when the egg met the sperm, that the baby was doomed from the beginning and that nothing Mr. Rogue or I did made any difference.

I have the best OBGYN ever; she made a bunch of phone calls, pulled a lot of strings and got us an appointment an hour later to meet with a specialist. Since I am currently sixteen weeks pregnant I am too late to get the standard D&C, the usual operation needed to remove the fetus. I have to go to someone specializing in D&E operations reserved for patients with longer term larger babies.

To make a long story short we were able to see the specialist, I cried all the way to the specialist’s office, I cried through all the conversations about our options, I cried in the waiting room and I cried while Mr. Rogue and I quietly discussed our options. In the end we decided on the safest option for me, and what the doctor recommended, a surgery to remove the dead fetus.

The surgery was a three day procedure, one day of medications to dull pain, one day to get injections to enlarge the cervix and the third day for the operation. Because of the Thanksgiving holiday I was given the option to either get the cervix procedure done un-medicated right then which would then allow me to get the operation done Wednesday or wait seven days until after the holidays for the three day procedure. Since all my options were horrible at that point I decided there was no way I could psychologically handle carrying the dead fetus any longer than I had to so I opted to do the procedure unmediated.

Hands down it was the most painful thing I have ever had to go through, Mr. Rogue held my hand through the entire thing. I just kept praying I was in a bad dream and would wake up any minute.

I sobbed all the way home reeling in pain, destroyed by grief. My husband hurried out to get the long list of pills I need to take and I thankfully passed out in a blur of medication.


lilmansworld said...

Simply cannot imagine that sort of pain.....no one deserves that.

paul peggy zeus said...

I'm so devastated for our loss, but you are young, healthy and will have a baby soon.

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