Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The LALA 10

Ever thought of visiting or even moving to Los Angeles. Generally most people fall into a love OR a hate relationship with this sprawling city. For me it tends to be more a love thing even though I don’t plan on being here forever. I thought I would put a little travel guide on here for all those dreaming about the big city full of light.

1. You need pure reflexes and agility to be able to handle these roads. The common rule is; my cars bigger than your car OR the laws of chicken may apply depending on who you are “playing against”. If you have a passenger in your seat make sure you have dual airbags please.

2. You think Manhattan and Venice are both beaches.


3. It always takes an hour to get somewhere. The traffic jams really ARE that bad.

4. On Broadway people should pick up a souvenir and try to avoid the crack.

5. You need to learn to tell the difference between crazy-bums and not-so-crazy-bums.
a. Their bottom teeth are rotted out because of a tobacco chewing problem
b. Their pupils are dilated and rapidly move from object to object
c. They smell like body odours and fermented pee
d. Generally they are mumbling incoherently hands gesticulating madly in the air

a. Their upper teeth are missing because of a meth addiction
b. Their eyes are staring and kind of blank, you notice that they are not even trying to focus.
c. Often they smell like putrid flesh and vomit.
d. Absolutely no words come out.
6. There are days when you can actually see where the smog begins and ends. It is very sad, that sight that repulses you for a moment, and that you forget a moment after.

“EWWWW I always forget about the damn smog, its so DISGUSTING... Oh look there is Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

7. Real lifeguards here do look like the characters of Bay Watch. Their bodies glisten, they run and bounce with their red shiny torpedo lifesavers, and they flirt shamelessly showing off their perfect tans and their latest set of muscles.

8. You can go to Santa Monica Beach and surf in the morning and ski all day at Big Bear in the same day. AWSOME!

9. When giving driving directions to a friend you have to remember what time of the day it is that they will be driving so you can make extensive modifications due to traffic.

10. It is not unusual for your waitress at a restaurant to have blue streaked hair, a dragon tattoo or three and a six facial piercings.

10. The guy at 8:30am at Starbucks standing next to you wearing a low slung baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS GEORGE CLOONEY.

11. You and your significant other make it a game out of recognizing local landmarks in the movies.

12. Your lawn is small enough to mow with a weed wacker.

13. You text that you are almost there when in actuality you are just leaving your house. Everything time delayed can and will be blamed on the traffic and since everyone knows how bad it is everyone is lax about being on time. Well almost everyone Mrs. Bulldog and Ms. Eden are always gloriously on time to prove that it CAN happen.

1 comment:

paul peggy zeus said...

Oh so true, especially about the traffic and the CA road rage. DO NOT DRIVE YOUR RV HERE, it's dangerous!

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