Tuesday, March 2, 2010

A Deep Look at Me and Conflict

The people that I get most angry with in my life are the people I love the most. I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately and the anger, the resentment, the harsh words or catty comments are all generally pointed to the people I love. Love and hate, jealousy and appreciation are all so close together in my life, I also see it in others lives all the time, and it makes me ask WHY we do this.

At least for me I found it is because when I am with the outside world I am strong, I am on guard, I am protecting myself, I am consciously thinking about the kind of person I want to be and showing my best self forward. However when I am home with my husband, when I am with close friends I let my guard down, all my filters fade away and out comes the real me raw and uncut, with all my faults and blessings and even sometimes my little devil.

The true reality as much as it pains me is that there are mini fights within my relationships because I am not getting what I need or want. That is partially my fault because I am not meditating and figuring out what the REAL problem is, instead I choose a surface issue because that is easier than digging deeper and admitting my own faults. If I am truly honest my internal conflict resolves from not getting my own way.

When I don’t get my way I resort to other means, hence the occasional unconscious starting of anger, the pouting, the sulking, the silent treatments, the snide comments or cattiness. This is not how I WANT to be, but this is who I am occasionally; something that I am trying to eradicate because it is counterproductive.

Another problem in my relationships is attempting to hold up the people in my life to MY expectations of MYSELF. This is not something that is fair to them, as well as an extreme waste of energy for me. I am working on this also.

Many conflicts in general are perpetual, they are caused by an issue and then slowly roil and fester growing larger and larger with time. I used to have SUCH a hard time pinpointing the cause of conflict in my life. Now I feel like I can identify clearly what my issues are and balance what I can live with vs. what I need to communicate to someone in order to resolve how I feel. I do this by finding a solution to stop the cyclical cycle of roiling issues.

Most of my broken relationships come from an inability to communicate the problem clearly and resolve the conflict. Sadly some problems fester for so long with neither party communicating that bitterness and resentment build leading to a relationship that cannot be repaired. For those broken relationships I am sorry for my part, but I believe moving forward is for the best and with each time I have fallen I have learned SO MUCH about myself, where I am and where I want to be.

Mr. Rogue and I have talked a lot about conflict and we work on communicating with relationship checkups. Now I know that may sound tacky but every other week or so, there is not a set time, we generally turn off all the lights, light some candles, pour a glass of wine, curl up on the couch and just TALK about anything. Generally we start with something positive to say about each other, we move onto dreams, and then we move onto little things that have been annoying each other or little things that we could do to make the other happier. Initially it was hard and even a bit awkward but now we revel in the honesty in those moments, in the willingness to listen and to attempt to give each other what we need because we are committed to having a partnership that does not fail with lies and silence.

I refuse to let my relationship with him dissolve. He is my everything and the most wonderful man in my life.


lilmansworld said...

what a beautiful post. I do know what you mean when trying to live up to your own expectations and get not a thing from it. Thats what makes us both well rounded individuals. We take from the good, learn from the bad, and continue to live our lives the way we see fit. Sometimes that is hard to share with others, especially when we let our guard down. There should be a button.

paul peggy zeus said...

Wow, this is really deep. I love how you analyze conflicts and tear apart the seams to get down to the root of the issue. I love how you can resolve to be a greater person than you already are, as if that were possible, but I especially love you - your honesty, sincerity and that constant drive to reach higher and become a better person. And yes, Mrs. Lambchop, there definitely should be a button.

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