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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Her Porn Star Name Would Be Spaz Licker

When I got Rogue, my first dog ever, I was only 23 and I didn’t know anything about how to take care of or train a dog. I had done a ton of research, talked to a lot of people, I even had roommates at one point who had dogs so essentially I helped a bit to take care of them but nothing prepared me for the hell puppies can inflict on your soul. During Rogue’s first few months he went to the bathroom in every single room, multiple times to the point where I would walk in the door, set down my bags and pick up the cleaning supplies that I kept near the door so I could immediately start scrubbing. And then there was the incessant chewing on anything that would fit it his mouth: the remote control, my brand new shoes that had NEVER BEEN WORN, OH and then there was that kitchen cabinets incident, the incident that cost me over $2000 dollars, the incident that SHALL NOT BE NAMED because my brain will explode. It was not a totally happy time. To end my misery I hired a dog trainer who taught me the tools I needed to help Rogue learn a few manners. He is now an official doggie rock star and the best dog in the world!

So I thought I would use the same strategy on Phoenix because they worked so well the first time oddly with Phoenix things went terribly wrong. I don’t know if I have mentioned this before but Phoenix has a screw loose; there is something wrong with her head. I am not kidding her brain is not intact and a tool that I used to make Rogue stop chewing my shoes, a tool when used made him run out of the room saying “DUDE I SERIOUSLY BELIEVE YOU” has absolutely no effect on Phoenix. In fact when I try and use this method of training you can almost hear the lone cricket crawl up to her ear to yell out “There is nothing in here but me. Go away.”

012610_spazLicker

So she has several annoying problems, and it goes like this:

Mission 1: Must destroy all plant life, hence the annihilation of several backyard plants.

Mission 2: The person on the end of that long piece of leather attached to your neck, it is your job to see how fast you can dislocate her arm. The harder you pull the more points you earn. She takes this game VERY seriously and currently holds the top score in our neighbourhood.

Mission 3: See how far you can push Rogue before he goes ballistic and WOMPS your butt! She really has a wonderful time with this one, teasing and biting and yipping until she pisses him off so much that he kicks the crap out of her. I used to stop it afraid she would get hurt, but now I just sip my wine and cheer Rogue on.

Mission 4: Lick off Seurat’s face. There is something about my grey cat, something about his face that Phoenix just loves and she just can’t leave him alone for a second. Whenever they are in the room together Phoenix pins him down and licks and licks and licks until Seurat goes ballistic and WOMPS her butt! I sip my wine and cheer for Seurat also.

Mission 5: Spaz out when guests are over. This is by FAR my favourite and I have developed a time out system, putting her in the backyard for 10 minutes, for Phoenix when she misbehaves. Needless to say she spends a good majority of her time in the backyard killing my plants when company is over.

I have almost thrown my hands up but I am determined that we can get at least half of these under control with just a little bit more effort. She has after all come such a LONG LONG way from where she was when we got her; it is always that home stretch that gives me the most problems.

1 comment:

paul peggy zeus said...

Time for the Dog Whisperer? Phoenix should be such a great dog with a role model like Rouge to follow. Hurray for the wine and cheering the others on while Phoenix remains feisty. Sometimes I worry about Zeus coming to visit and meeting her...hhhmmmm

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