Technologically Challenged

As a treat, Mr. Rogue and I got dressed up and went out to dinner just the two of us, which lets just say it has been a while. With my brother in law living with us the past year most of our meals are held with an audience and generally even when we go out Mr. Fruit joins us. We really don’t mind him staying with us most of the time but today we just needed a little us time so I grabbed out some frozen lasagne for him and we took off to be alone.


MR. ROGUE AND I ON OUR WAY OUT THE DOOR

Pretty much the ENTIRE half an hour trip to the restaurant I bemoaned my technologically challenged existence. Thursday my email stopped working, it is STILL not working properly and I could barely stand the pressure of not being able to communicate effectively. I thought I could not feel more out of touch without my email until today my new iPhone decided to stop allowing me to make or receive phone calls or texts or get on the internet FOR NO REASON. Well maybe it was because I dropped it, because I did drop it, but it isn’t like these phones are not MADE to be dropped and banged and beat up. I know it is sad but I feel like I can barely function, like I have been left without my two main modes of communication and seriously what did I do now to deserve this. I am hoping tomorrow morning first thing I can get to the ATT store and they can repair half of my soul. That way I can make phone calls, I know my mommy will make me feel better.

Once we got to the restaurant and after I stopped crying conversations moved to brighter and happier topics like discussing the travel plans we have for the rest of the year. After long debates over what we wanted to do and what we were going to be able to do we decided on a few things.

1. June I may go visit Ms. Pool Shark in Pittsburgh for a few days
2. July Mr. Rogue and I will go camping maybe with a group somewhere close for a long weekend
3. August Ms. Ivy League and I are going on either a Caribbean cruise OR a Mexican cruise
4. September I am off to the Philippines to help Ms. Fruit and Baby Fruit join Mr. Fruit by moving to the United States
5. October Mr. Rogue and I are going to take a week long trip somewhere relaxing for a week either a cruise to Alaska OR a resort somewhere with a beach and alcohol, those are Mr. Rogue’s requirements the details are up for me to research and us to decide on.
6. November we will be visiting my parents, Mr. & Mrs. Traveler, wherever in the United States they have decided to stop
7. December we will be traveling to Mr. Rogue’s parents, Mr. & Mrs. Faith, for two weeks to visit the parents, his sister, and his friends who we will potentially spend New Years Eve with

I know this may sound a lot but seriously if we are thinking about having kids soon it is time to live it up now before we are shackled with a little someone and it is a lot harder to escape for a vacation.

Perfect Picnic Party

I woke this morning to a blizzard of activity all because I had forgotten my phone was on silent mode and therefore it did not chime to wake me up. This would not have been such a big deal on a normal Sunday morning, which I normally reserve for lazy time and a late breakfast with my husband, but this particular day I had plans. So because of my silent phone I was an hour late picking Ms. Dancer and Ms. Eden up to go to a picnic birthday party for Ms. Sexy Pants.


MS. DANCER AND I

The lateness of our arrival aside it was a wonderful quiet time at the park and a perfect partially sunny day for her birthday. As a gift I brought one of the orchids that I have been growing in my greenhouse and I took pictures of the party with the intention of burning her a CD of the pictures. This was a friend/family party and I had such a great time hanging out with my friends and interacting with all the kids. It was really fun getting candid’s of everyone, something that I have not tried to do in the past. Some of my favourite moments were

There were two babies that were 11 months old born one day apart that were both so adorable I was almost ready to stash them in my very generously sized purse and sprint away James Bond style.


BABY NUMBER ONE - BOY AND SUPER ADORABLE


PRECIOUS LITTLE BABY GIRL - BASICALLY AN ANGEL FALLEN FROM HEAVEN

There was a family of redheads and these two sisters in particular, ages 5 and 10 were so gorgeous with their shocking red hair and crazy personalities.


THE ADORABLE REDHEAD SISTERS

Kids with cupcakes are just the CUTEST THINGS EVER!


SHE WAS TRYING TO FIT THE WHOLE THING IN HER MOUTH AT ONCE


SHE WAS SAVOURING HER CUPCAKE SLOWLY LIKE A PRO AND NOT WILLING TO WASTE A DROP

There was a little boy who exclaimed in worry to Ms. Sexy Pants
Boy – “What is that cut on your head.”
Ms. Sexy Pants – “What cut.”
Boy – “That cut there on your head.”
Ms. Sexy pants turns to her older niece and asked “Do I have a cut on my head?” her neice said no. So Ms. Sexy Pants leans closer and asks him to show her what cut. And the boy points to the line in the middle of her eyebrows.
Ms. Sexy Pants – “You mean this here?”
Boy – “Yes the cut!.”
Ms. Sexy Pants – “Sweety that is not a cut that is a wrinkle, you will understand once you get as old as me.”

When she relayed this story I laughed so hard because only kids could be that original or honest.


MS. SEXYPANTS TELLING THE STORY AND POINTING OUT HER 'CUT'

There were some kids playing with an open Frisbee which of course got stuck in one of the large trees. Where then one of the men threw a ball up to try to dislodge the open Frisbee. Where then Ms. Sexy Pants, the birthday girl herself managed to get the ball out with another closed Frisbee. And then the boys got the other open Frisbee out with my idea of throwing full water bottles, because at least THOSE would not get stuck. After a half hour they managed to get it down and all was right again in the park.


MS. SEXY PANTS HAS DEADLY AIM

Of course we had to take a group shot of everyone that was there at the end of the party. There were many more that had already come and gone but this was what was left at the end. With a party like this where people drop in and out it is impossible to get everyone who attended in one photo.


THE GROUP SHOT

Baby Brain: Goldie Locks

Mr. Rogue and I are talking about getting pregnant so recently I began my research and began the necessary steps to go about preparing. I have my first of three OBGYN appointments on Monday and I know to some that may seem excessive but I am really looking for a woman that I connect with. And yes I stress woman which I found out is WAY harder to find than a man. Seriously I only want women touching me and all my girl parts. I have been told that a great OBGYN will make or break a birth and since I have a VERY large aversion to doctors to begin with I thought that if I at least liked my doctor that would be a good first step. Hopefully one of the three will be just right, if not then I will just keep looking. I would rather wait longer and find the perfect one than just settle for someone that will make the experience harder than it is and perhaps even cause such a traumatic event for me that the first child is the only child.

So I spent a good portion of today doing research and attempting to gather questions and get some loose ideas of what I am looking for. Because SERIOUSLY I have no idea what the hell I am doing. There is so much I do not know. Now I know that you cannot PLAN everything, that rarely do things follow as expected, but I am a planner kind of person and it makes me feel more prepared if I over plan than under plan. So I am researching and I am flabbergasted at how much information is out there.

I have basically decided that I would like a doctor that has a non-invasive philosophy, as in let my body do what women have been doing for GENERATIONS and only step in for invasive procedures if the baby’s or my life is in danger. This means no induced labor and no epidural, although I reserve my right to change my mind as of right now I would rather skip all those drugs in my system. I want the same doctor every time I visit AND I want that same doctor to deliver my baby. I realize that there is off times for doctors but seriously I want to stress making a connection with the person delivering my child AND if there is the possibility of someone else delivering my child then I want to know who that person is and have a chance to build a relationship with them as well. I found out this is EXTREAMLY hard to do but I am going to remain adamant about this.

Questions I am going to ask:
- Are they board certified?
- How long have you been practicing obstetrics?
- How many babies have you delivered?
- How much time do you allow for each prenatal visit?
- What percentage of your own patients do you deliver a month?
- How do you deal with high-risk pregnancy issues?
- How do you help couples with infertility, can I get those procedures done here?
- What kind of fetal testing do you perform? Are there options?
- Is there someone I can talk to between appointments if I have questions? Is there a way to reach you in case of an emergency?
- What is your philosophy on caesareans and induced labor? What is the percentage of your patients that get these? Can you perform a caesarean or if you do not who would perform it? Does the hospital have around the clock person to perform one?
- Do you have an advanced speciality in any surgical or pregnancy areas?
- Have you been sued for malpractice? Why?
- How many people am I allowed to have in the birthing room?
- Is it ok if I have a doula?
- Do you recommend child birthing classes
- At what point will you meet me at the hospital? When I am first admitted or who will be in charge of my care until you come?
- If I have complications that you cannot handle who would be the backup obstetrician?

Questions I am going to ask the Office Manager
- What does my insurance cover? What are the fees I should expect?
- How long is the average wait?
- Do you allow visits if I have issues or questions?

Photo Phriday: Backyard Spiders

While weeding yesterday I noticed some spiders making a run for it and instead of my usual high pitched girl scream, followed by lots of hand waving and something like a freak out reaction where my whole body seizes in fright I instead ran into the house to get my camera. I spent a good two hours photoing these and I attribute the fact that I could get over my fear of bugs to the fact that I am IN LOVE with macro photography. There is just something so surreal about showing the smallest of things in such great detail. If you start to feel creepy crawly things when looking at these imagine how I felt trying to photo them.

GRASS SPIDER

COBWEB SPIDER


COBWEB SPIDER


COBWEB SPIDER

COBWEB SPIDER

COBWEB SPIDER

COBWEB SPIDER

ORB WEAVER

Mr. Rogue and I went outside to talk about our ideas for a project we plan to tackle within the next two weeks when we were suddenly distracted by the dogs going crazy. When I approached our cement block wall I noticed that they were indeed attempting to catch a possum who lives in the surrounding area and visits our Tangerine tree at night often. I bent closer to the wall to get a better look and ran my face smack dab in the middle of a HUGE web. I freaked out for a moment, and then I realized that the web belonged to a HUGE Orb Weaver. We grabbed the camera so we could add this spider to the series today. Isn’t this baby beautiful AND scary.

ORB WEAVER

ORB WEAVER

Now imagine your face only millimetres away. Be afraid when you go out in the night. After shooting this I attempted to get Mr. Rogue to catch the spider so I could photo it during the day. Generally Orb Spiders of this size only come out at night. He balked and refused to even think about catching it, so in the pursuit of becoming a better photographer I DECIDED that I would just catch it in a huge container. That did not go as well as I hoped. Needless to say I did not catch the spider, and I am still worried that it is going to come and get me for ruining its web.

Escape Artist

Today in an effort to keep my mind and body busy, aka not passed out in bed upset, I decided to tackle some yard work. I mowed the lawn, I weeded the flowerbeds, and I cut back some overgrown plants. Basically I declared war on Mother Nature, I think I won. However that is not what I want to talk about in today’s post, instead I want to talk about mowing the lawn. I think it is one of those tasks like vacuuming or folding laundry that I just find SOOTHING, maybe because it is so repetitive and it takes minimal brain activity to make straight clean lines in the grass. I was having such a great time today that I guess I forgot to correctly latch the gate. Normally this would not be an issue because Rogue is super well trained, I could leave the gate all the way open and he would not leave the yard. However it was an issue today because I have a new puppy, a puppy who does NOT know to stay in the back yard, a puppy who is apparently pretty smart and figured out how to open the closed back gate.

I freaked out when I got to the yard and saw the gate open, I called for her but of course I have only had her for twelve days so I did not know if she would come. So I started running down the street covered in grass with my work gloves and crocs on frantically calling my puppy’s name as tears streaked down my face. Thankfully before I worked myself up to a full anxiety attack, which I was rapidly escalating to, a man walked around the corner with a rope tied around Phoenix’s collar. I ran up to him and kneeled down to wrap my arms around my baby girl. Thankfully he found her and she is now OK.

Open Conversations

Since I have finally made the conscious decision to finally seek help with a psychiatrist I have mentioned to, or some have read, that this is my intention. I am amazed at the stories that some of my friends have. Stories of themselves getting over traumatic events, stories of loved ones and I cannot tell you how comforting it makes me feel that I am not in this alone. Sometimes I feel so lost because like my mom said if you have not lived it you do NOT understand. Some of my friends have had a hard time supporting me through the past few years and I understand their hesitation. It really shows though who stands up and makes the effort and who falls by the wayside until you get ‘better’.

The definition of a good friend is to support that which you may not understand. I never really got this until I went through a terrible relationship. I had an ex-boyfriend whom I loved but who was bad for me. In the past I had made snide comments about weak women who stay with the wrong man. I was wrong. Sometimes you get so in over your head and all you need is your support network to SUPPORT you until you can figure it out for yourself. I think that one experience made me more tolerant or at least acknowledge that there are things that I just have not experienced or I just do not know. It made me a better friend and listener.

Generally you never hear the whole story when talking about a friends problem. You may get 10% of what really is going on. And out of that 10% that we hear we usually will try to help FIX the problem. But when I go to a friend I am usually talking about the bad things. In general I think that we turn to our friends to help us work out a problem or to help us over a hard time. I don’t think in general we hear about all those sweet wonderful times. So we never really have the whole picture.

I just want to say to those who shared their battles with depression or mental disorders. Thank You. Thank you for sharing something so personal and openly, I really needed to hear it. Without you I may still be wondering if I am making the right decision, if I will ever get better, but seeing all of you on the other side of the hill, happy, healthy and better I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. At least I hope there is for me also.

Swan Syndrome

We have all heard the story of the ugly duckling who could not find out where he belonged and how that ugly duckling finally found its place when he transformed into a beautiful swan. I have never worried about where I belong, I have never thought that I was ugly, I defiantly never thought of myself as the prettiest in the world but defiantly there were people out there way more unfortunate than me, so in a nutshell I was a pretty self-aware, self-assured teenager. That foundation has given me a gift as a woman, it has given me the confidence to concur the world, to minimize self doubt, to have never had an eating disorder, and to try and focus on the best things about me. I like to call it the swan syndrome, the fact that I know I am not beautiful but I think that I am. And as long as I believe that I am a swan then that confidence gives me added power as a woman. Power to be all I can be and the best me.

I have realized over the past four years however that I have started downhill. First it was work, focusing on my career and excessive amounts of time in the office, about 80 hour work weeks. Then it moved into my home where we started a construction project that left us with out a kitchen and eating out for over a year. Then my brother passed away and the tailspin that set me in is still present in my life today. All of these things caused me to be robbed of who I am. I know that the person I was will never be the same again, we cannot go back, but what I am hoping is that I will bet back a small resemblance of that swan. Someday.

Lately I have not liked how I look in photographs mostly due to the large amounts of weight I have gained in the past four years. I still look in the mirror and find things I like, for instance I love my legs, I think that they are one of my best features and I think that they look really great, particularly with an amazing pair of new stilettos on. So I do still think that I am a confident person but lately, particularly recently I have had to look a lot harder to find something I like in the mirror. I really need to loose some weight but it is really hard with my depression. My depression and my body are not getting along or at least they are not communicating very well and would benefit from an intense session in couples therapy. Because all my depression wants me to do is not get out of bed, not get dressed, and eat an entire box of Velveeta shells and cheese with a side of a box of Ho-Ho’s and a 2 litter bottle of Diet Coke. I have become a binge eater. I don’t do it often but when I am feeling particularly horrible I will turn to chocolate, sweets, salty foods, fattening foods or whatever I can get my hands on. Where my body wants to be happy and healthy, eat well and go exercising and with all this excessive time I have now would be the PERFECT time to get back in shape; my depression makes me fall further into someone else.

I was so excited when getting engaged I managed to bury everything deep enough that I was able to focus on pretending to be happy. I succeeded so well that I think I even fooled myself most of the time. I managed to lose 35lbs, I managed to pull off all the things associated with organizing a wedding, AND I thought that I kept it together pretty well. Over the past 7 months since the wedding however the depression has broken out of the very deep dark cage that I locked it in and I cannot hold it in anymore. Burying it I found was not the right answer.

Since losing my job I have had a lot of time to reflect on what I want out of life. I have had a lot of time to wallow in my home alone and think about what I need to do to be better. I am now 5 lbs over my pre wedding weight loss and I am going to start an exercise regiment and eating better this will make my body feel better and in return I am hoping my endorphin friends will help with the depression. I have recently been probed to make an appointment at a psychiatrist where I am hoping they can prescribe large amounts of drugs (which I really hate) to make all the voices in my head stop, or at least to make my depression more manageable so I am a happier person.

I am hoping that one day I can be me again, or at least a me that feels like a swan.

Memorial Day Cake

Sometimes things don’t go as planned, which translated means that things just sometimes don’t go my way, which translated means that it makes me about as aggravated as a fat kid without cake! Today in celebration of the Memorial Day holiday AND in celebration that Mr. Rogue, GASP, actually got the holiday off this year, we decided to have an impromptu BBQ. Because it was last minute, meaning I made a few phone calls last night it ended up being just Mr. & Ms. Dancer, Mr. & Mrs. Sweetie and Mr. Rogue and I. But I was fine with that, a small group was great and right up my alley for a lazy sunny day with yummy BBQ food. What I was not ok with was that as soon as Mr. Dancer walked in the room he put on the Lakers game and then proceed to watch the game and pretty much ignore everyone else. He did such a good job of getting sucked into the game that after the meal, which we ate as soon as everyone got there, EVERYONE, decided that it would be FUN to watch the game, everyone that is except me.

I don’t like sports, in fact I think that watching them is just as bad as playing them. I understand that some people like them and that is fine as long as they don’t affect me at all. Today’s obsession affected me, I was not happy. At least there was cake at the end of the night. I had seconds.

Puppy Thoughts

So here we are with a new puppy. She has only been here for eight days but it feels like much longer. So far she has ripped her stitches, gotten a parasite, been contained and restrained from roughhousing, and we have found out that she is food aggressive. On the plus side she is proving to be super smart. She has learned to sit, to stay, she is learning to not jump on people, and she is doing much better with her pottie training. Today she began a new favourite game ‘Lets terrorize the cats’ who by the way are extremely unhappy that they now have to share the house with another dog.

Rogue however is ecstatic about the puppy, they are like to best friends, and I believe they get closer every day. There seems to be a new life to my older dog and I could not be happier that they are getting along so well. They are playing all day sometimes it looks like a vicious fight but really they are just having a WONDERFUL time!

Saving a Marriage

Sometimes you plan for a day and then it takes a bend to the right. Tonight Mr. Rogue and I planned to do something we love. As often as we can we choose a recipe and then make something new and different. Today we choose to make a Chicken Parmigianino from scratch recipe but by the time I finished the other things that I had planned for the day I was to exhausted to even think about making food let alone standing for hours and working on a new recipe. I knew the joy would be diminished in my less than exuberant state, I knew that I would get frustrated or crabby or upset and the balance of joy would teeter to not so much fun. I knew that my head would probably dislocate from my neck and it would spin around poltergeists style. I also knew that during one of these temper tantrums thoughts would go through Mr. Rogues head ‘I wonder if my wife is NUTS.’ Therefore on impulse and in order to save our marriage I suggested pizza and a movie, both of which we can accomplish before we would have been finished making the Parmigianino. This ended up being a SUPER phenomenal idea and I could not have been happier with our homebody evening.

BBBS 12: Beach Kites

I feel guilty because this is the first time I am seeing my little sister in 28 days and the only excuse I have is that I could not drag together enough energy to call her let alone plan an outing and see her. Today I forced myself to go out and I had a blast. It was a simple plan today, I would pick her up, we would fly a kite and then lunch and of course ice cream. It was a beautiful Californian day, we got to the beach, set up the kite, and then spent the next hour and a half running across the beach praying that the DAMN kite would take off into the air like it DAMN well was supposed to. After about 25 minutes of failed attempts we sat down to read the directions and regroup. Was the kite constructed correctly – check, were we holding it the right way – check, there was wind – check, frustration – check! Back to the drawing board we ran and ran and ran, people started giving us their best ‘Kite expert opinions’ which we tried all of them. Nothing worked. We had failed. I knew if my dad was there he would have been able to get the kite to fly but that is the disadvantage of growing up, having to deal with life without your parents to fix things for you.



So kite flying attempt failed we decided to put our feet in the water and then hit the swings. The last time I was on a swing my butt was DEFIANTLY a lot smaller but I still had the moves. I showed her how to hook your feet in the chains and I showed her how to do the back flip dismount. I was a damn cool big sister at that moment and I redeemed my lack of kite flying skills.



We had enough time to swing by the house so that Ms. Little could meet the new puppy and there ensued a VERY long conversation about what happed to the cute other puppy you had, why did we get a new puppy, and why does this new puppy have a big bandage on. So we talked about virus’s, the advantages of getting a surgery for your dog so they cant have more dogs, a conversation about how the vet hospital works, and a conversation about how some things are out of your control.

As always we ended our outing with ice cream cones and lots of laughter.

Photo Phriday: Abstract

I decided that this Photo Phriday would be about how I have felt most of the week, confused and abstract. I think I got some interesting perspective on some everyday objects.

Snap Out Of It

I had been struggled with the symptoms of depression for a year before I sought out a psychologist for therapy. That decision to ask for help cost a lot and took many months from the actual decision to actually going to my first session. The problem is when my depression was bad I knew I had to go but I was to tired or upset to actually make the effort to look up the information about my insurance, find the doctor and make the appointment. On the flip side when I was having my good days where I would have been able to easily set an appointment I deluded myself into thinking that it really was not that bad and that I could just continue to work it out on my own. After a particularly bad few weeks where my depression was so bad I thought it would never lift I decided with the help of encouraging family and friends to just make an appointment. Sadly after attending therapy for a few months I lost my job and my insurance which caused me to stop going. I don’t know how helpful it was anyways, it did not seem to be cutting back my episodes or the effects it had on my life. I have heard that therapy can help but I don’t think it was for me so even when I was added to my husbands insurance I decided not to pursue going again.

Another year has gone by and the symptoms are not getting better, in fact they are getting worse and I have finally, after much research, decided that it is time I tried medicating the problem. Because I have tried everything else and all have lead me to tremendous failure.

A couple of things I learned
1. The brain was shaped over a period of about six million years. So for over 95.5% of this time homeo sapiens lived in small groups of hunters and gatherers. Since the Bronze Age we have been living more and more in larger groups of towns and cities. FACT: Biology takes a long time to catch up with changes in the environment and the past major change of the Bronze Age (a little over 5,000 years ago) is a drop in the vast pond of six million years. Because our brain biology is behind this is cause for depression.

2. Our society honours materialistic things, power, and money. Our hunter-gatherer ancestor genes are ancient to this type of wiring even though it is socially acceptable our biology has a hard time processing it. In our generation family and a strong supportive community can help, but more often than not our generation moves far away from support groups. This isolation and focus on things that were not important to our biological survival causes massive issues in our emotional health.

3. The symptoms of depression in people and groups of animals caused other people in the group to have sympathy and care for the injured person. A basic instinct that was useful in past times but not so much in modern day society when the average shelf life of acceptable sadness only lasts as long as a gallon of milk. We are in a time of rapid movement, where any flaw is perceived as a default and we are expected to just get over it, or think our way out of the problem.

Depression is not just something that you can snap out of. It is an actual imbalance of the chemicals in your brain and how it process serotonin. I have sadly given two years to this disease and I am turning to medication, something that I hate, as a last resort to claim my life back.

The Animal Gods Smite Me

So really I pissed someone off upstairs in the animal department. Not only did Phoenix rip her stitches from her spaying surgery today which I am so worried over and which will now require constant observation for the next 6 days, she ALSO has a parasite. Poor little girl hope she gets better soon and my patience lasts long enough. My patience has been a little thin due to the sleep deprivation and the amount of constant attention she needs. Good practice for a baby I guess.

PHOENIX IN HER GIRDDLE


TRYING TO KEEP HER QUIET

PLAYING WITH HER BIG BROTHER

Secret Behaviour

A few days ago Mr. Rogue was outside working in the garage so I decided to hang out on the couch reading a book. I am a salt prostitute. I salt so much that I am not sure what I would do without it. I know it is bad and I do try to keep it cut down, but occasionally I just HAVE to have some. My favourite vehicle for a salt craving are miniature pretzels which I make sure to keep a reserve of behind the liquor in the top cabinet for when I cannot keep the craving at bay. That day the craving was so bad that I was actually just eating the salt off the miniature pretzels and discarding the pretzel part like little miniature corns. I did not even realize I was doing it because I was super engrossed in my novel. That is when Mr. Rogue walked in the door and caught me. I felt like a little kid who had been caught doing something that they shouldn’t. This is a downside to marriage, someone sees all those things that really you would rather just keep to yourself. It is your secret ‘I am alone’ behaviour.

I tell this story because of the bizarrely weird dream I had last night. It has to do with one of the wedding gifts that we got, which also happens to be one of my favourites. Ms. Ivy League purchased a Himalayan Salt Block that you heat up in the oven and cook on. Last night I had a dream that I took this salt block out of the kitchen, that I secreted it into our bedroom and hid it under my pillow, where I then proceeded to lick it all night long. Strange dreams come to a creative mind.

Bigger Than Myself

There are times when things are happening to you and it feels like the most important thing in the world. You keep it inside for so long because you are afraid of asking for help. And then you finally ask for help and it is surprising how many people that you reach out to who drop the ball. I went though a TERRIBLE time two years ago and I was shocked with how the world continued to keep revolving with the tragedy that had happened. I remember a few weeks after. I was sitting on the couch staring off into nothing and I heard someone who had kindly dropped off a care package laugh in delight and I remember getting so angry, angry at the fact that there was joy in anything when I was so miserable. I remember also being hurt that nothing seemed changed when I tried to re-enter my life, nothing had changed but me.

Today I learned that I dropped the ball on a friend. A friend I care DEEPLY about but for many reasons she reached out to me and I did not listen hard enough. I remember how that feels, how I let something so deep come out and for someone to shrug it off like I asked how the weather was. So no matter what my problems are I need to step up and be that friend to her that I needed. This week has been a week of eye opening experiences and I have learned that I need to listen more, reach further, and become bigger than myself.

Phoenix

So finally after much debate we have chosen a name for the new puppy, Phoenix. The main reason was because of our translation of its definition, A mythological bird that rises from its own ashes. We felt this spoke to how this puppy was brought into our lives, because sadly our other puppy passed away. And because I found this poem that I fell in love with:

The Phoenix hope,
can wing her way through desert skies,
and still defying fortune’s spite,
revive from ashes and rise.
~ Miguel de Cervantes Saaverdra

Thank God we finally picked one for her because I need a name to scream at the top of my lungs so the neighbours know who I am yelling at someone and not just being tortured by aliens. Phoenix had a rough night followed by a vet visit early this morning to check her stitches from getting spayed last Thursday which were splitting. Don’t worry the vet assured me that she was going to be just fine, that puppies are more often than not too active right after this major surgery and that I should just not let her run, jump, or pull on the leash. Basically attempt to make a puppy behave like a 90 year old dog and stay very still all day long. So for the 14 hours I have been alone with her so far today I have attempted to keep her calm, which she does not like nor appreciate at all. She hates it so much in fact that my beautiful puppies head detached from her body on numerous occasions with the unfairness of it all. Trying to keep her still is like asking a tornado to lighten up on the breeze. Basically it is impossible and I have lost my temper today more times than I have in the past month. I think it is a combination of the futility of the cause I am undertaking, the presence of major sleep deprivation and the fact that I am resisting the large bottle of vodka in my freezer. I think I will just go take a tiny sip now just to take the edge off.

The vet not only relived my fears about Phoenix’s stitches but she also agreed with me that our new puppy is defiantly not pure breed like the shelter had suggested. Dr. Vet as well as I thinks that she is probably some type of Rottweiler German Sheppard mix. I also learned that my puppy is at least a month if not a month and a half older than I was told, which puts her at about 6.5-7 months of age, AND that because of this she was going to be a much smaller dog than the 100lbs I was anticipating. Dr. Vet has guessed that she may be more around 60lbs which is not really what I would have picked if I had known but that is life, a series of choices that leads us down a path where not all the answers are immediately obvious.

Can A Splintered Piece of Wood Become Whole Again

So today I was a complete waste for a human being but I have excuses I swear. First of all most of it has to do with the new puppy and my rapidly expanding anxiety. You see I have issues and I think about people dying all the time. As in I come home, I know Mr. Rogue is home, because his car is out front, but when I call upon entering the house if he does not answer me immediately in my head flashes an image of him crumpled on the floor of the shower or some equally horrible image. I have learned to live with it but it is terrible. And I am not posting this here because I want to talk about it, that is not the case at all, I REALLY don’t want to talk about it, but I am posting it because I have wanted to talk about it for a while on here, my journal, so when I look back 20 years from now I can say ‘OH YEA I remember where I was then’, AND because I want to be honest here, or at least as honest as I can be and not hurt peoples feelings. So the reason I am talking about it now is because I feel that it is magnified because of the new puppy. I have felt it grow and try to push me back to where I was. A dark cold somewhere and I really don’t want to go back. So I am fighting it but it is hard.

So we had another puppy, Mishka, and she passed away, I know it was not my fault but still I did everything I could and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I could not sleep all night last night because I was worried the puppy would pull out her stitches and bleed out, or that she would chew on a book and choke, or some equally horrible thing that I have no control over would happen and I would lose this puppy too. It got so bad that I started to freak out, and not in a quiet dignified manner but in an OH SHIT I AM CRAZY messy non pretty manner. Once the sun came up I was able to make it through the motions of the day but it was hard and I don’t feel I was very successful.

Mr. Rogue and I were talking about purpose and how it is important to have a purpose. My purpose right now is to keep my shit together and try not to fall apart. So I try to focus on all the good in my life and keep pushing and I am hoping that one day I will be better.

Still No Name For The Little Angel

I got nothing accomplished so far today except these photos. They make me smile.


CHEWING THE TREATS


PROFILE WITH HER SUPER CUTE PINK COLLAR


ANYTHING FOR A TREAT


SIDE BY SIDE COMPARISON OF ROGUE AND THE PUPPY

SNEEZE

The New Puppy Is Here

Our adorable baby has arrived and today was a great happy day. Although getting her to our house took a little bit more effort than necessary. The organization we adopted her from is an all volunteer base and I did not realize that the person that I have been emailing all week, the person that I thought was very unprofessional and slow in getting me the answers I needed and vague in getting me the facts was a 10 year old girl. While I love the fact that she is learning to give back so early in life I did not appreciate my application being handled by someone so young.

She is darling and thankfully Rogue and she took to each other very well. So well that all they want to do is run and play and it took all my energy to prevent them from doing that because she JUST had her spaying surgery a few days ago and is not allowed any excessive play or running for at least 10 days.

We got some amazing shot of her though, here they are.


CHILLING IN THE BACKYARD


INVESTIGATING TOGETHER (ROGUE IS 97LBS AND SHE IS 38LBS BUT SHE IS ALREADY SO TALL)


AND THEN ROGUE TRIED TO EAT HER FACE


BECAUSE SHE IS NOT ALLOWED TO ROUGHHOUSE I SEPERATED THEM AND PUT ROGUE INSIDE


I LOVE THE FACT THAT I NOW HAVE A GIRL IN THE HOUSE AND I CAN BUY PINK (CHECK OUT HER COLLAR)


SO TIRED AFTER A LONG FIRST DAY

Photo Shoot 2 / Photo Phriday - Ms. Eden & Ms. Soul

This week I scheduled a meeting with Ms. Eden and Ms. Soul. Both were interested in being photoed and since I am interested in continuing my skill sets as a photographer we decided to do a photo day including food, laughter and fun. We photoed for 7 hours and it was an exhausting day but I could not be happier not only with the energy these lovely women put off but with the HUNDREDS of amazing images that we managed to capture. Not only did I learn today that I can do a FULL day of photography with not only one subject but with two, I learned that I love this craft so much and that it is pretty realistic that I may be able to do this as a side job in the future. Here are my favourites (that I can show you).


FIRST THE GORGEOUS MS. EDEN


BECAUSE SHE IS A COWGIRL AT HEART












THE BEAUTIFUL MS. SOUL