Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

We all put our foot in our mouth at some point in our lives or in my case many times. I find myself occasionally wishing for a stop, reverse, and delete button where I can edit what I say. Either the delete button or I wish in that instant that I can crawl under the floorboards and reside in the dark forever. Here are some of my most memorable ‘seriously I cannot believe I said that’ moments.

I was a kid at the zoo, I was with my mother and we were just approaching the zebra exhibit. Unfortunately at that moment was when the zebras were attempting to procreate. Watching two zebras going at it I innocently stated that “Look Mom one horsy is giving the other horsy a horsy back ride.” The crowd around us chuckled in delight. My mother paused I assume to try and decide if the truth should be told to her younger daughter. She left it. I thought I was all smart the irony of the horsy back ride.

horsy back ride – what was I thinking SERIOUSLY?

I just moved away to college and I see a hot guy that is in my class walk in the cafeteria to an ugly fat girl and kiss her. I turn to an acquaintance that is also in our class sitting next to me and say “wow I wonder why he is with an ugly fat chick!” The girl next to me turns and stares at me like I am Satan then proceeds to inform me that she is eight months pregnant with his kid.

ugly fat chick - what was I thinking SERIOUSLY?

A friend recently confided in me that she has been coming home to find dead birds on her porch. To bring a little levity instead of consoling her I said “So you are kind of like Snow White but in the reverse.” You know because snow white always had animals and birds following happily around her and my friend now has dying birds showing up all the time. It was a tasteless joke and as soon as I said it I hit my forehead in frustration.

Snow White in the reverse – what was I thinking SERIOUSLY?

I worked at the Olive Garden for a number of years beginning when I was 18. I did not drink and had to memorize a pretty long alcohol list. Of course I learned about the wines I went through the training but for some reason one day I forgot that Merlot was said with a silent “T”. I went up to the bar and asked the bar tender on a busy Friday night “Is this my Merlo “TTTTT”. It seemed like everything stopped, eyes swivelled my way, I knew that I had said it wrong but I tried to play it off. By the end of the night my mispronunciation had been spread across all the staff. I was teased for 3 years until I left for college.

If I had just been a wino in my teens I would have totally known what I was talking about. SERIOUSLY?

I went to visit Ms. Ivey League when she was living in Mexico. She was the perfect host taking me to so many unique local attractions. However I am a extremely picky eater and after being in the city for only 72 hours I turned to her and said “Can we not eat anymore Mexican food!” She turned to me with disbelief written across her brow and slashed across her mouth and pointed out that we were IN MEXICO. After a moment of me staring at her expectantly she promptly took me by the hand and found the only Italian restaurant in a 20 mile radius. I had pasta and was happy.

Can we not eat anymore Mexican Food – what was I thinking SERIOUSLY?

1 comment:

paul peggy zeus said...

We all put our foot in our mouth - sometimes, both feet at once! I recall asking one of Cheryl's friends who was expecting, "so, when is the baby due?" She glared right through me and proceeded to tell me her son was born 2 months ago! OOOPPPS!!

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