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Sunday, May 17, 2009

Can A Splintered Piece of Wood Become Whole Again

So today I was a complete waste for a human being but I have excuses I swear. First of all most of it has to do with the new puppy and my rapidly expanding anxiety. You see I have issues and I think about people dying all the time. As in I come home, I know Mr. Rogue is home, because his car is out front, but when I call upon entering the house if he does not answer me immediately in my head flashes an image of him crumpled on the floor of the shower or some equally horrible image. I have learned to live with it but it is terrible. And I am not posting this here because I want to talk about it, that is not the case at all, I REALLY don’t want to talk about it, but I am posting it because I have wanted to talk about it for a while on here, my journal, so when I look back 20 years from now I can say ‘OH YEA I remember where I was then’, AND because I want to be honest here, or at least as honest as I can be and not hurt peoples feelings. So the reason I am talking about it now is because I feel that it is magnified because of the new puppy. I have felt it grow and try to push me back to where I was. A dark cold somewhere and I really don’t want to go back. So I am fighting it but it is hard.

So we had another puppy, Mishka, and she passed away, I know it was not my fault but still I did everything I could and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I could not sleep all night last night because I was worried the puppy would pull out her stitches and bleed out, or that she would chew on a book and choke, or some equally horrible thing that I have no control over would happen and I would lose this puppy too. It got so bad that I started to freak out, and not in a quiet dignified manner but in an OH SHIT I AM CRAZY messy non pretty manner. Once the sun came up I was able to make it through the motions of the day but it was hard and I don’t feel I was very successful.

Mr. Rogue and I were talking about purpose and how it is important to have a purpose. My purpose right now is to keep my shit together and try not to fall apart. So I try to focus on all the good in my life and keep pushing and I am hoping that one day I will be better.

1 comment:

paul peggy zeus said...

Would you consider going back to see your BFF?
I love you!!!!

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