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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Driving Instructor

Somehow I don’t think I will ever be voted the worlds greatest driver however I think that my drivers training class would be so much cooler than the one I took 14 years ago.

1. STARTING THE VEHICLE
There are a few things that you must learn when you start the car: check your mirrors, if it is sunny then make sure you have your sunglasses on, make sure you have great music, make sure to have an open beverage and alcohol is particularly necessary for long trips. Insert key and start the car.

2. TAKING OFF
Once the car is started and slam on the gas to rev the engine so that people nearby really understand that you are about to go. Then take your foot off the brake and hit the accelerator as hard as you can, because the only way to do things correctly is aggressively and with purpose.

3. TRAFFIC LIGHTS
There are a few simple rules that must be followed when it comes to traffic lights. First upon seeing one you must react quickly and accelerate as hard and as fast as you possibly can. This is particularly important if there are a lot of people crossing the street. The goal here is to scare the crap out of them and make them fear for their lives. You know if you are doing it right if they flee in terror, if they don’t run out of the way screaming in fear then you are not doing it right. You will need to be a little scarier; try putting your head out the window and scream at the top of your lungs as you pound on the horn multiple times as loudly as possible. If you get stuck behind some complete idiot who did not run through a light that was clearly barely red then continuous pressure on the car horn will help make you feel better.

4. PASSING TRAFFIC
The key to this step is to ALWAYS drive faster than anyone else on the road. If you drive the fastest then you have control of the road. If there is a spot in another lane that is a little ahead of you then you have to get into it, no matter how small it is, it is your greatest goal to make sure that you jump onto every opportunity because if you don’t then someone else may get ahead of you and take that spot and if they do that means that you are a looser and they win.

5. FLIP A BITCH
This is a relatively easy one but one must have faith and a lot of trust. Simply close your eyes tuck your chin into your chest and turn the steering wheel as hard as you can. If you come out on the other side of the road without hitting anything then you have successfully completed a U-turn.

6. TIME TO PARK
Lets get one thing straight, finding the best parking spot is the SINGLE most important skill to learn under learning to drive while applying mascara (which in my opinion is the most trickiest skill to master). If you see an open spot that is desirable then you need to get to it as quickly as possible, by any means possible. It does not matter if there are people there, or other cars waiting for the spot, this is a contest remember the golden rule survival of the fittest. Just park where you like because even though you may get a ticket you will get more points if you can find a space to park that is a little bit creative, particularly if you impede traffic or walking spaces because that really shows everyone who is really boss.

7. CAR HORN
Use the car horn only in these situations: When you see someone that pisses you off, if there is a light that has changed, when a mood swing hits, waiting in traffic, if there is nothing else to do, every thirty seconds, and lastly all other times.

8. ART OF MULTITASKING
When you have achieved mastering steps 1-7 then you can move on to what I call using your time in your car efficiently. There are a wealth of things that you can do when driving, talking on the cell phone, eating, putting on makeup, writing and anything else you can think of. Now remember don’t try this without first getting certified at being an ace at all the previous steps.

Now you are ready to go.

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