Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I Love My Cake But It Does Not Love Me

When I was young I never thought about food very much. Don’t get me wrong I loved a great restaurant or a good meal with friends and then there is chocolate, AHHHH the ecstasy of that molten yummy goodness. But I would say I had a great relationship with food. I was thin, I was healthy, and my priorities were in the right order. Three years ago is the first time that I consciously noticed that the relationship had changed, and I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment but really I think it was a gradual slippery slope. I now know that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I use it to make me happy as a comfort, I use it to sooth a bad day, I use it as a reward for doing something, and I use it to make me feel better. This relationship is now turning abusive and many times I have tried to steal back the life that I had a few years ago but so far my struggling has just caused a yo-yoing of trying and failing.

I blame stress, I blame how unhappy I am in my depression, I blame myself for obviously not being strong enough. Now that I don’t have a job I have been trying very hard to get into a schedule that will allow me to get back to my goal weight, a schedule that includes lots of exercise and eating healthy. So far I have started and stopped 3 times in the past month. I am not doing so well this shot. But again tomorrow I will try, and I will keep trying over and over until I either win the fight or drown in a vat of chocolate.

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