Friday, March 20, 2009

Hurts To Breathe

I got the call this morning, the call that rings so early in the morning that you KNOW before you answer it can only be horrible news. It is the call no one wants to get and I remember hesitating and wondering if I should just ignore the call and bury my cell phone in the back yard with my big bangs from the 80’s and the video tape of my eight year old self attempting to screech out a song at a talent contest as birds drop from the sky having heart attacks that something that sounds so horrible should be allowed to live and breathe and pollute their air with such a sound.
Instead of following my own advice and answered the phone and I found out alone, still half asleep in what was my comfortable bed that my beloved grandfather, my father’s father, a man that I was so very close to has passed away. I am so sad that he is gone it hurts to breathe. Grandpa had been sick for the past year, and really sick for the past few months, he was 88, he was the youngest of all his relatives and the last one living, and he had been fighting a cancer, a fight that he finally lost today. A battle that ripped out much of who he once was, that stole his dignity and that crippled him to the point that he was in dippers and needed help with the simplest of things. He just did not have it in him to fight anymore. So although I am sad, I am trying to talk to myself about how I hope he is in a better place, a place with his beloved wife, a place with my younger brother, and a place where all his siblings and friends who had all preceded him in death were enjoying a better life. Although I will miss him terribly I think of him in this heaven and the pressure lifts just a little to let one ray of light into the gloomy place that I am in right now.

I am also dealing with selfishness of wanting to keep him and of being angry at his passing. It just seems like whenever I get a little bit emotionally stable something happens to reset me back 20 feet. Like how I had started therapy and was finally taking steps to get a little better when I lost my job which sent me back into a tailspin of issues. For instance I had issues dealing with trying to heal myself because I now had no health care coverage so could no longer afford therapy and dealing with the fact that I no longer had a job in one of the worst recessions where it is almost impossible to find a new job. And now this, another death that derails my attempts to put the get the pieces in somewhat of an order so I can potentially eventually put myself together again. I want him back.

I am having such a hard time with this, like after hearing the news I just want to erase that 5 minutes from my mind, and then I can go back to sleep oblivious to it all. But this is all part of being a grown-up, there isn’t a parent or a shield between me and reality like there was when I was young. Reality REALLY sucks donkey butt!

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