Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A Pot That Boiled Out Of Control

I had a horrible relationship once. A relationship that was like a black hole in its magnitude and ferociousness, and I am glad to say that I not only managed to escape my black hole but I also managed to find love and happiness. I am writing about this 4 years after my escape in hopes that someone who is in the situation I was in is able to read this and see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that there is hope, and that you can have a better life.

My black hole was a man that I loved. He was sweet and kind, he had a warm heart and a large booming laugh, we did not have much but the things we did have I thought were enough, I thought he was the love of my life and for the first year he was and then somewhere slowly over time things began to change. I would liken it to putting a frog in a pot. If you put a live frog into a boiling pot it would just immediately and frantically try to jump out, it would try to save its life and get away from the scorching heat. However if you put a frog in a pot of lukewarm water and then slowly turn on the heat the frog would not realize the danger, it would not have that frantic fight to save its life and it would ultimately just be consumed by the heat. I was not given a chance to react to the danger, my pot just slowly boiled out of control.

Mr. Pittsburgh and I met in a dive bar, one that my friends and I went to because we were looking for cheap beer and a new scene. After that first wild night of attraction we started dating and then moved in together. We were best friends, it was love at first sight, and I would do anything for this man. He kept loosing his job, and he could not hold down a job longer than 2 months and would only find a new one after me persistently nagging. He also got in trouble with the police a few times (all that of course were not his fault) I was so gullible and I took on most of our bills and believed his lies. We had a mother child relationship, I would make all the decisions, I would do all the chores, I was managing under the stress of it all because I believed he loved me too.

He had an X wife and a child. The little two year old girl would come and spend the day with us occasionally. I even loved her, I loved her like she was my own, and I resolved that I would be a great step mother. We were talking about marriage. I think the first thing that slapped me across the face, that made me sit up and look clearly around me for the first time was when I was feeding this sweet little girl, she swallowed the piece of macaroni that I was feeding her and pointed right at me and called me a Crack Whore in her clear little voice. The X wife was a crazy BITCH who taught this to her daughter out of malicious spite. I knew I would never be able to be the stepmother I dreamed I could be.

Mr. Pittsburgh became increasingly violent both vocally and physically. I was able to escape before he hit me, but by the end right before I left his fists had left marks in a few walls and doors, furniture that he through had been damaged.

Because my name was on the lease and because I paid all the bills I made a decision one day to put all his things on the front porch and get a locksmith to change the locks. I knew I would need a strong visualization for the times I felt weak and my fingers were itching to call him. So whenever I had a moment of weakness I would conjure the image of myself with three kids, I would visualize a trailer park and that I was aged beyond my years, I would picture myself leaving in the middle of the night with the kids in tow, all of us crying, because my drunk Mr. Pittsburgh had beat me yet again. I know that image was harsh and I have no idea if it would have ever gotten that bad, but that image was something that kept me strong, kept me away from him and on the path I had chosen.

That first night I was terrified and I went though a gambit of emotional wreakage but I know kicking him out was the best decision I ever made. Over the next four months as I finished school and tried to have a sembelance of a life he had me followed, he would call me and ask me how I was liking the movie I was watching, he would list who was with me and would mention how he liked the pink sweater I was wearing. My car which he had keys for would be randomly moved when I went to school, the mall, or work. When I came home from work one day and found my dog missing I knew I was almost beat. My beautiful Rogue was a dog I got before I met Mr. Pittsburgh, a dog I loved dearly, a dog I could not prove he took. I knew it was time to leave Pittsburgh, that I was no longer safe there. Once I graduated school I made another difficult decision and told everyone I was moving to New York, NY and then secretly I moved to Los Angeles, CA instead. No one from Pittsburgh knew the truth. I had limped away burned and barley breathing but I did manage to disappear.

After getting to Los Angeles I created a new life, a life without living in fear, a life free from the constant terror of what he would do to me today, I could after months of worrying live without constantly looking over my shoulder. The first couple months I was still jumpy, but I got better, and the nightmares gradually receded. After 4 months, empowering myself, I hired a private investigator. He was able to find Mr. Pittsburgh and locate my beloved dog, yes Mr. Pittsburgh had him all this time. What kind of man steals a womans dog, this was a man that looked into my eyes and told me that I was the one, that he would love me forever, the one that I was planning to have a family with, I could not fathom it. The best validation I got was when I had my dog flown into the LA airport. I had my baby back.

I now understand how it feels when women stay with men that abuse them, I know they feel similarly to what I did in loving thier abuser, I know they feel that the abuser loves them and I know they probably do but it is in some sick way that is not healthy, I know that family members and friends tried to intervine and I would not listen, I know now that they are a better gage for a relationship than I am sometimes, I know that I got free and that there is hope for others to do the same.

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