The past year has been crazy and busy and filled with breakdowns, trials, and lots of love. Here are some of the highlights:
JANUARY
- Get Home from the Philippines
- Going to Michigan to choose the venue
- Immersed up to my NECK in wedding planning
- Engagement Party
- I reconnect with Mrs. Bitch
FEBRUARY
- Mrs. Cutie Pie Engagement Party
- Dedicating to Big Brother Big Sister
MARCH
- Engagement Party
- First Day of S
- Breakdown
- Ms Partypants going away party
- Found the dress
APRIL
- UCLA Nutrition Class
- Mrs. Lambchops’s Baby ShowerMay
- Mr. Rogue Birthday BBQ
- Why we may do construction again
- Party Day Call of Duty/Disney Hall
JUNE
- Bachelorette party
- Ms. Dancer Beach BBQ
- Mrs. Bulldog Bach Party
- Baby Lambchop is Born
JULY
- Broke Down Bridesmaids
- Joining Facebook
- Mrs. OC is Pregnant
AUGUST
- Mrs. Cutie Pie Bachelorette Party
- Weight Loss Success
- My Michigan Wedding Shower
SEPTEMBER
– CA Wedding Shower
- Seabisket Nickname
- Mrs. Cutie Pie Wedding
- BBS Meeting first time
OCTOBER
- My Birthday
- Mrs. Bulldog Wedding
- Our Rogue Wedding
- Honeymoon
NOVEMBER
– Election pulled down by discrimination
- Starting Therapy
- Thanksgiving with Mr. Rogue's parents
DECEMBER
– Company Closing
- Surprise Birthday for Ms. Dancer
- Three Christmas’s; Ms. Dancer; Ours; My Parent’s
My Bucket list of things to do before I die
1. Travel to at LEAST these countries
- Alaska
- Ireland
- Spain
- France
- England
- Russia
- China
- Japan
- Thailand
- Malaysia
- Australia
- New Zealand
- South Africa
2. I would like to have 3 or 4 kids and possibly adopt later
3. Retiring with dignity and extra money
4. Get a PhD
5. Never stop learning and growing
6. Build a dream house
7. Travel for a year when I retire
8. Do something life changing for someone else
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Anza Borrego: Going Home
We woke up today and the temperature was colder than ever, at 45 degrees, and my not so young back protested at the night I had on the hard ground. It is always sad leaving anyplace that you had so much fun in, I will miss my parents, miss the open air, BUT I want my super comfy bed, and my house with its heat. We were very efficient in our tent taking down/packing the car up as quickly as possible duties. As the car was finally packed I glanced around our clean campsite and wished that although we had a few hardships we could have stayed a few more days. I had tried to persuade Mr. Rogue for at least one more day but he was NOT having it.
We got to mom and dads campsite to hang out for a while before heading home. Rogue, our Rottweiler is not allowed in the trailer, my father has an allergy so I had him tied up outside on his outdoor long leash. Because there are not many things that are strong enough to hold a 100lb dog from going where he wants to I attached the end of the leash to my fathers tail hitch on his new truck. After visiting for a while and getting fortified with mom’s omelettes we decided to go on a walk around the campsite lake. As we exited the trailer and I went to get Rogue onto his walking leash my father exclaimed in horror at a HUGE gouge in his brand new truck, a gouge that it took us a few minutes to figure out how it got there. As far as we can tell Rogue, who is not used to being leashed, had gotten his leash wrapped around one of the lawn chairs which then he proceeded to drag and gouge right into the truck. The chair was folded and leaned perfectly next to the gash as though someone had gently leaned it against the car. I was chagrined that my animal had created the damage and I imagine that this is what it feels like to have kids, to not only have be responsible for your own actions but now to be responsible for other actions you had NOTHING to do with. I offered to pay for the damage but my father, having had three kids already, was used to the fact that nothing stays perfect forever and refused help. He is so wonderful, all he said is that his father had hit the car and put the first scratch on and my dog had caused the second so now he will always think of me and my grandpa when he sees the damage on his car. As we drive away I can’t help but be sad at leaving however the first thing I do when I get home will be to jump into the temper-pedic and not stay there for at least 15 hours.
We got to mom and dads campsite to hang out for a while before heading home. Rogue, our Rottweiler is not allowed in the trailer, my father has an allergy so I had him tied up outside on his outdoor long leash. Because there are not many things that are strong enough to hold a 100lb dog from going where he wants to I attached the end of the leash to my fathers tail hitch on his new truck. After visiting for a while and getting fortified with mom’s omelettes we decided to go on a walk around the campsite lake. As we exited the trailer and I went to get Rogue onto his walking leash my father exclaimed in horror at a HUGE gouge in his brand new truck, a gouge that it took us a few minutes to figure out how it got there. As far as we can tell Rogue, who is not used to being leashed, had gotten his leash wrapped around one of the lawn chairs which then he proceeded to drag and gouge right into the truck. The chair was folded and leaned perfectly next to the gash as though someone had gently leaned it against the car. I was chagrined that my animal had created the damage and I imagine that this is what it feels like to have kids, to not only have be responsible for your own actions but now to be responsible for other actions you had NOTHING to do with. I offered to pay for the damage but my father, having had three kids already, was used to the fact that nothing stays perfect forever and refused help. He is so wonderful, all he said is that his father had hit the car and put the first scratch on and my dog had caused the second so now he will always think of me and my grandpa when he sees the damage on his car. As we drive away I can’t help but be sad at leaving however the first thing I do when I get home will be to jump into the temper-pedic and not stay there for at least 15 hours.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Anza Borrego: Crisp Morning
I climbed out of my warm cocooned sleeping bag to the crisp morning air and I am torn between being happy that I am connecting with nature and cursing the hard packed ground with that strategically placed stone in particular that gouged a crater the size of Miami in my back. After I got my morning diet coke I felt much better.
When my parents arrived we headed off to find the location of the pictorial drawings that my mother had seen on the map and that she deemed is what we were going to try to find. We were met with many mishaps in trying to find the right road. There was the worry that in this 66,000 sq mile park we could potentially run out of gas and never get out. There was the fact that my father, sitting in the back seat, did not want to be in the car for ANY length of time. And there was the problem that none of us could use the map, which was horribly out of scale and not very detailed, hence useless to us. After stopping at the only building on the road we had seen in the past 45 minutes and after I had spent 20 minutes talking to a very nice and VERY lonely woman who was interested in telling me the past of the town when all I wanted were directions to the elusive pictorial drawings I finally managed to get the correct directions and we were able to find the general area of the drawings. Unfortunately that general area resulted in an hour and thirty minute hike without finding the pictorial drawings but I could not help but be happy. We were out in the open non-smog filled air and we were able to see some amazing vistas. I was happy to be here with my husband, happy to be with my parents, and happy that my dog was ecstatically soaking up his time of freedom from fences and leashes.
When my parents arrived we headed off to find the location of the pictorial drawings that my mother had seen on the map and that she deemed is what we were going to try to find. We were met with many mishaps in trying to find the right road. There was the worry that in this 66,000 sq mile park we could potentially run out of gas and never get out. There was the fact that my father, sitting in the back seat, did not want to be in the car for ANY length of time. And there was the problem that none of us could use the map, which was horribly out of scale and not very detailed, hence useless to us. After stopping at the only building on the road we had seen in the past 45 minutes and after I had spent 20 minutes talking to a very nice and VERY lonely woman who was interested in telling me the past of the town when all I wanted were directions to the elusive pictorial drawings I finally managed to get the correct directions and we were able to find the general area of the drawings. Unfortunately that general area resulted in an hour and thirty minute hike without finding the pictorial drawings but I could not help but be happy. We were out in the open non-smog filled air and we were able to see some amazing vistas. I was happy to be here with my husband, happy to be with my parents, and happy that my dog was ecstatically soaking up his time of freedom from fences and leashes.
I was actually a bit worried bringing Rogue on this trip and although I was hoping I would not need a backup plan I scheduled a border that could watch him if there were any issues. Rottweiler’s, which Rogue is a mix of, get such a bad rap. Even though Rogue is one of the best trained well behaved dogs I know I still get people who are terrified of the breed and there are times when we have been denied entrance to parks or hotels where other dogs are greeted in welcome. I was also worried about how my parent’s dog, Mr. Baby Sweetheart, a tiny 7lb Maltese, would react to him because they have never met and like any two people you shove into a room they may just not like each other and may try to even hurt each other. Also because I am told Mr. Baby Sweetheart does not like big dogs. Hey I don’t really blame him, if I met another person 13 times my weight who wanted to either eat me or constantly sniff my butt I think I would be a little hesitant to make friends and play nice.
My fears were groundless; Baby Sweetheart after an initial 10 minute introduction barking fit of hysteria where I thought he was going to hyperventilate spent our entire week adventure attached at the hip like Me and Mini me. With Rogue tolerating the small ball of fur that bounded after him and Baby Sweetheart infatuated with all Rogue did they made a very odd adorable couple, the big Rottweiler and the tiny Maltese.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Anza Borrego: No One Make Waffles Like Mom
Today we woke up in our shitty Motel 6 hotel, where the bed is like a couple of cardboard slices layered on cement and the scattered spots on the carpet leave my very fertile artistic mind contemplating the millions of disgusting things that could have made them. I tried to pull myself off the bed and almost cried because my back felt like a 90 year old ancient version of my own. OH why, next time we leave home I am going to try and convince Mr. Rogue to pack our temperpedic mattress. Thank goodness we are not staying at this shitty Motel another night because tonight we will be using our new tent camped under the open starry sky. After packing the car we ran some errands for supplies before heading off to see my parents for a low key afternoon.
Getting to the RV Park we walked in and mom immediately started making waffles. The kind of waffles you had as a kid, the kind that taste so much better than ANYONE else’s waffles because moms insert them with lots of secret magic love (a power I am sure you only get once you give birth). No one makes them like mom. After breakfast we hiked around the lake at the park and looked for birds, my parent’s new hobby. A couple of years ago once my parents officially decided to retire early and become complete hippies by selling our house and traveling RV style across the US, I bought my mom a set of bird books from National Geographic. They were the kind that has photos of the birds, what they eat, what they sound like, and where they live. Although I knew my mother would like the gift I had no idea that she would love them as much as she now does. Mom now likes to go bird watching and records what bird she finds along with the date and place in the book and dad likes to photo them. Her hope is that eventually she will find all the birds in all the books and dad is proud that many of the photos he has gotten are better than the ones provided in the book. I am very fortunate to see these things in my parents because of their great love for each other, they provide a great foundation for what I want my relationship with my husband to be, a bonding between two people that is very symbiotic. My mother discovered her love for bird watching so my father found a way he could be part of that love my mother had with his photography. Things like this allow people to grow together closer.
After eating an early turkey dinner with all the fixins mom had made we left at 3 for the Anza Borrego Desert Campsite. The sun sets early so we really needed to get there as soon as possible. Once there we scrambled to set up camp before the sun went down. We successfully managed to get everything done and the fire started when it really started to get black. It was pretty cold but at least we came prepared with warm clothes and a lot of wood. Sitting by the fire in the silence of the desert and watching the flames lick the wood you can’t help but be calm and quiet. The fire for me is very hypnotic and soothing. When you live in the city you forget about the stars because you never ever see them in all their glory. Sure you can see a few but not them all, and as I tilt back in my chair and stare up at the sky I sighed in contentment with this one moment of perfection.
Getting to the RV Park we walked in and mom immediately started making waffles. The kind of waffles you had as a kid, the kind that taste so much better than ANYONE else’s waffles because moms insert them with lots of secret magic love (a power I am sure you only get once you give birth). No one makes them like mom. After breakfast we hiked around the lake at the park and looked for birds, my parent’s new hobby. A couple of years ago once my parents officially decided to retire early and become complete hippies by selling our house and traveling RV style across the US, I bought my mom a set of bird books from National Geographic. They were the kind that has photos of the birds, what they eat, what they sound like, and where they live. Although I knew my mother would like the gift I had no idea that she would love them as much as she now does. Mom now likes to go bird watching and records what bird she finds along with the date and place in the book and dad likes to photo them. Her hope is that eventually she will find all the birds in all the books and dad is proud that many of the photos he has gotten are better than the ones provided in the book. I am very fortunate to see these things in my parents because of their great love for each other, they provide a great foundation for what I want my relationship with my husband to be, a bonding between two people that is very symbiotic. My mother discovered her love for bird watching so my father found a way he could be part of that love my mother had with his photography. Things like this allow people to grow together closer.
After eating an early turkey dinner with all the fixins mom had made we left at 3 for the Anza Borrego Desert Campsite. The sun sets early so we really needed to get there as soon as possible. Once there we scrambled to set up camp before the sun went down. We successfully managed to get everything done and the fire started when it really started to get black. It was pretty cold but at least we came prepared with warm clothes and a lot of wood. Sitting by the fire in the silence of the desert and watching the flames lick the wood you can’t help but be calm and quiet. The fire for me is very hypnotic and soothing. When you live in the city you forget about the stars because you never ever see them in all their glory. Sure you can see a few but not them all, and as I tilt back in my chair and stare up at the sky I sighed in contentment with this one moment of perfection.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Anza Borrego Desert State Park
This morning we were off to explore the Anza Borrego Desert State Park and the plan went a bit awry when directions were confused and we ended up driving 30 miles out of the way and had to turn around to come back. After 2 hours in the car we finally made it on the right road and into the park. Much to our surprise we realized that you could camp in the park, dogs were allowed and it was only 30 miles from my parents. We decided to check out of Motel 6 in the morning and go camping. Hurray!
The park was desolate, desert climate surrounded by rolling mountains, peppered with sparse vegetation mostly just brush and cactuses. The foreground was sand and mostly browns, the background of the hills were blues and purples.
But if you look close you can see the beauty of this rugged climate, all 22,000 acres of it. Here are some of my favourite photos.
After a long day hiking we came back to the RV for dinner. Dad grilled Salmon and mom made brussel sprouts. After dinner we watched one of my favourite movies, Atonement. The acting is superior, the storyline is interesting, the directing and the way the movie unfolds is amazing. Not everyone loved it the way I did, it was a bit depressing, but I think the sad story is more true to life then some of this happily ever after drivel Hollywood keeps shoving down our throats.
After the movie we were sitting around talking when suddenly the RV started shaking, at first we thought someone was stealing a bike or trying to yank something off the RV, but we knew something was not right. Dogs were barking, the ornaments were swaying, and dad went outside to investigate. When he came in to announce that there was no one out there, no bear, not even wind that is when I knew we had had a mini earthquake. Mr. Rogue jumped online to double-check and viola an earthquake originating in Mexicali at 9:17PM. It was a smaller earthquake basically felt like a strong wind had just shook us a little bit. I would rather be shaken by an earthquake then encounter the bear.
The park was desolate, desert climate surrounded by rolling mountains, peppered with sparse vegetation mostly just brush and cactuses. The foreground was sand and mostly browns, the background of the hills were blues and purples.
But if you look close you can see the beauty of this rugged climate, all 22,000 acres of it. Here are some of my favourite photos.
After a long day hiking we came back to the RV for dinner. Dad grilled Salmon and mom made brussel sprouts. After dinner we watched one of my favourite movies, Atonement. The acting is superior, the storyline is interesting, the directing and the way the movie unfolds is amazing. Not everyone loved it the way I did, it was a bit depressing, but I think the sad story is more true to life then some of this happily ever after drivel Hollywood keeps shoving down our throats.
After the movie we were sitting around talking when suddenly the RV started shaking, at first we thought someone was stealing a bike or trying to yank something off the RV, but we knew something was not right. Dogs were barking, the ornaments were swaying, and dad went outside to investigate. When he came in to announce that there was no one out there, no bear, not even wind that is when I knew we had had a mini earthquake. Mr. Rogue jumped online to double-check and viola an earthquake originating in Mexicali at 9:17PM. It was a smaller earthquake basically felt like a strong wind had just shook us a little bit. I would rather be shaken by an earthquake then encounter the bear.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Anza Borrego: On The Road
So the plan to leave early this morning was seriously screwed from the beginning, even before the day began. We should have packed the car the day before because that chore took over an hour. Mr. Rogue should have done the hour pre-check for the car with the tires, oil, and all that other stuff before this morning. So after waking up at 10:30 and packing the car for 45 min, the showers Mr. Rogue and I took then the hour car check-up, then breakfast we finally got in the car about 12:30 to leave. I sit as the co-pilot in the passenger seat and Mr. Rogue jumps into the driver’s seat and turns on the ignition only to find out that the battery is dead. Dead due to the fact that in his obsessive, “Must get the car ready for the long trip”, mode he filled the tires using the power from the car, ineffectively draining the battery because he forgot to turn the car on. By the time we got the jumper cables, positioned the cars, and jumped the car another half hour had passed. At least we were now finally able to successfully leave. It is now 1:00pm, we have a four hour drive and mother is expecting us for dinner. At least traffic god loved us and the expressways were pretty light.
Midway through our trip we need gas, as you inevitably run out after hours of driving. We turned off at a reasonably looking stop and drove around looking for a gas station we were almost out and had waited to the absolute last minute to refill. Now I know this would be considered a heinous crime in the country, but this is the city, and there are stations EVERYWHERE. Unfortunately for us we ended up in some alternate universe. We drove and drove and then we had to keep driving some more because to turn around would DEFINATLY mean that we would be stranded without gas because there was NOTHING behind us. Somehow in our desperate search we ended up in the Stepford wives complex. And let me tell you all these wives must drive electric cars and be way cooler than me because we can’t find a gas station anywhere. We drive until we get to critical low gas gageness, and then we drive further until the gas gage is in the negative. Finally we stop and ask for directions to the nearest station, we are directed a mile away and we were let in on the secret that to find the stations you had to go up behind the stores. These crazy town laws keep the streets clean and the gas stations tucked out of sight behind trees and up far past stores. WTF, I mean yea it is nicer to drive down the streets and see the beautiful landscaping but when you outlaw signs to tell people where things are then how the hell are customers from out of town supposed to consume.
Getting over the gas episode and getting further from the city I sat back to drink in the scenery, the buildings crept away, the smog lifted, the mountains came in and I felt the sky open up and accept my city obsessed soul.
Because I am practical or because there was a niggling of doubt that the obviously not so intelligent person I talked to at the campsite may of screwed up our reservations, I called the campsite just to be sure everything was ok, much to my dismay I found that the campsite was actually an RV park where we could pitch a tent only on a concrete slab. I spent the next hour calling every campground in the area and while on hold cursing the hag at the RV site who took my original reservation three weeks ago when I was in front of a computer and could find a new place to stay easier. In the end after calling my friend Mrs. Ivy League for help because the operators I kept getting at information rode the short bus to school we went to plan C which would be to go to a hotel, and because I am out of work and we have a dog our choices are pretty limited. We ended up at Motel 6, I know say ewwww with me and silently bow your head in pity for just a moment before you break out in great loud soul shaking laughter. After checking in and dropping off all our stuff at the hotel we headed off to Sunbeam RV campground to see my parents.
I love them so much, walking in the door I almost cried, but after getting all the gifts under the tree and sitting down to the table I did cry, mom made lasagne, a fresh picked (mom picked it herself) salad, and homemade chocolate cake, YUMMM. After we finished/gorged ourselves we moved on to opening presents. Mom and dad had given us money to buy a tent, a tent that was large enough for my husband, Rogue and I with room to grow with kids. A tent sadly we are not going to get to use on this trip as we hoped we would. It is so nice to sit around with family, with a full belly, and seep in the love in the room.
Midway through our trip we need gas, as you inevitably run out after hours of driving. We turned off at a reasonably looking stop and drove around looking for a gas station we were almost out and had waited to the absolute last minute to refill. Now I know this would be considered a heinous crime in the country, but this is the city, and there are stations EVERYWHERE. Unfortunately for us we ended up in some alternate universe. We drove and drove and then we had to keep driving some more because to turn around would DEFINATLY mean that we would be stranded without gas because there was NOTHING behind us. Somehow in our desperate search we ended up in the Stepford wives complex. And let me tell you all these wives must drive electric cars and be way cooler than me because we can’t find a gas station anywhere. We drive until we get to critical low gas gageness, and then we drive further until the gas gage is in the negative. Finally we stop and ask for directions to the nearest station, we are directed a mile away and we were let in on the secret that to find the stations you had to go up behind the stores. These crazy town laws keep the streets clean and the gas stations tucked out of sight behind trees and up far past stores. WTF, I mean yea it is nicer to drive down the streets and see the beautiful landscaping but when you outlaw signs to tell people where things are then how the hell are customers from out of town supposed to consume.
Getting over the gas episode and getting further from the city I sat back to drink in the scenery, the buildings crept away, the smog lifted, the mountains came in and I felt the sky open up and accept my city obsessed soul.
Because I am practical or because there was a niggling of doubt that the obviously not so intelligent person I talked to at the campsite may of screwed up our reservations, I called the campsite just to be sure everything was ok, much to my dismay I found that the campsite was actually an RV park where we could pitch a tent only on a concrete slab. I spent the next hour calling every campground in the area and while on hold cursing the hag at the RV site who took my original reservation three weeks ago when I was in front of a computer and could find a new place to stay easier. In the end after calling my friend Mrs. Ivy League for help because the operators I kept getting at information rode the short bus to school we went to plan C which would be to go to a hotel, and because I am out of work and we have a dog our choices are pretty limited. We ended up at Motel 6, I know say ewwww with me and silently bow your head in pity for just a moment before you break out in great loud soul shaking laughter. After checking in and dropping off all our stuff at the hotel we headed off to Sunbeam RV campground to see my parents.
I love them so much, walking in the door I almost cried, but after getting all the gifts under the tree and sitting down to the table I did cry, mom made lasagne, a fresh picked (mom picked it herself) salad, and homemade chocolate cake, YUMMM. After we finished/gorged ourselves we moved on to opening presents. Mom and dad had given us money to buy a tent, a tent that was large enough for my husband, Rogue and I with room to grow with kids. A tent sadly we are not going to get to use on this trip as we hoped we would. It is so nice to sit around with family, with a full belly, and seep in the love in the room.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Our First Married Christmas
For the first time in my life I am spending Christmas day without family and friends but with just myself and my husband. It was really strange to not have the chaos, the people, the realities you love to see and those you wish you did not, and it was small and weird. I really enjoyed not having to get on a plane, because every year for the past 13 years I have gone somewhere other than where I was living. So it is once for once in my life not having to travel for the holidays.
I grew up having chaos for Christmas; my family could not negotiate different days for different sides of the family so we had the marathon holiday in one day. First at 6:00am, because that was the negotiated time by our parents and us kids that was the earliest we could wake them to open our gifts. After we rushed through opening our gifts we had just enough time to have breakfast and get dressed before we were rushed out the door to our second Christmas, Dad’s side of the family.
We would get to our Grandparents house at 10 usually the first people there and we would wait until everyone else showed up, which usually meant that we got to see the family except sometimes we would miss one family because someone is always late. This side of the family is quiet and subdued, conversations are held quietly, and decorum is observed.
After scooting out the door at 2:00pm we drive to the other side of town to arrive when everyone is there and waiting for us to start dinner. No one is happy that we took so long, no one is PATIENTLY WAITING, when we walk in the door it is complete chaos. After we get in the door before we even get our winter coats off food is served. This is the complete opposite of my father’s side of the family. After we eat yet another meal we open even more gifts. Nothing is quiet, nothing is orderly, everything is loud and usually we are the last to leave.
I enjoyed these Christmas’s filled with so much love and so much family. It makes me sad though that I was in LA with just Mr. Rogue and I. No snow, no family, just us. I don’t think I could miss living in Michigan but out here in California far away from all family it feels weird to not keep the tradition of my childhood. I am married and I know things are going to change and if we have kids and are out here on our island of far far away we will have to start new traditions. Moving so far away was kind of the point when I was single but now that I am getting to a different phase of my life with marriage and soon to be children I wish I were closer to family.
I grew up having chaos for Christmas; my family could not negotiate different days for different sides of the family so we had the marathon holiday in one day. First at 6:00am, because that was the negotiated time by our parents and us kids that was the earliest we could wake them to open our gifts. After we rushed through opening our gifts we had just enough time to have breakfast and get dressed before we were rushed out the door to our second Christmas, Dad’s side of the family.
We would get to our Grandparents house at 10 usually the first people there and we would wait until everyone else showed up, which usually meant that we got to see the family except sometimes we would miss one family because someone is always late. This side of the family is quiet and subdued, conversations are held quietly, and decorum is observed.
After scooting out the door at 2:00pm we drive to the other side of town to arrive when everyone is there and waiting for us to start dinner. No one is happy that we took so long, no one is PATIENTLY WAITING, when we walk in the door it is complete chaos. After we get in the door before we even get our winter coats off food is served. This is the complete opposite of my father’s side of the family. After we eat yet another meal we open even more gifts. Nothing is quiet, nothing is orderly, everything is loud and usually we are the last to leave.
I enjoyed these Christmas’s filled with so much love and so much family. It makes me sad though that I was in LA with just Mr. Rogue and I. No snow, no family, just us. I don’t think I could miss living in Michigan but out here in California far away from all family it feels weird to not keep the tradition of my childhood. I am married and I know things are going to change and if we have kids and are out here on our island of far far away we will have to start new traditions. Moving so far away was kind of the point when I was single but now that I am getting to a different phase of my life with marriage and soon to be children I wish I were closer to family.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Packing For Camping
This morning Mr. Rogue and I went to REI to go find a tent. There are a lot of variations and because of the holiday season and our lateness in getting to the store together there are more limited choices. I know my fault but we are leaving to go camping in two days and have to get the tent today, and since I am not interested in going to another store because trying to park this time of the year is about as enjoyable as going to the dentist and removing half your teeth, we will find a tent here. So since I am not leaving without one we are digging through trying to find something that will work. After 15 minutes we realize that we are scrounging in the wrong area (where there were only 2 person tents) we finally found the larger tents (I mean why buy a small tent now when we are somewhat tentatively planning a family) so looking at the larger tents they don’t really have what we need. Which is annoying, and then after digging for a half hour we finally find another section with the discount tents and score we find a tent half price that is almost exactly what we were looking for. We tucked our little bundle of joy under our arm and took it home to tuck it next to the tree.
After getting home and unpacking our gear we start to organize for our trip. Rogue is pacing between us and the door, back to us, back to the door, then sits watching us with confusion, then repeats. We are in the process of packing up all the stuff we need for our five day vacation to El Centro, boxes and bags are everywhere, his toys are packed up, his bowls, and gasp the leash is out. His anxiety and joy is tangible and as he gets in the way of everything, which I assume is his way of saying “What the fuck are you people doing.” And although to us it is patiently obvious and I have tried to explain to him that yes we are going outside, we are going in the car and YES I will leave the back windows open so you can stick your nose out and smell where we are going. But you just look at me like you don’t understand what I am saying, like you don’t understand English, sometimes I wish I could hear what you are thinking, and that is intensified in these moments.
After getting home and unpacking our gear we start to organize for our trip. Rogue is pacing between us and the door, back to us, back to the door, then sits watching us with confusion, then repeats. We are in the process of packing up all the stuff we need for our five day vacation to El Centro, boxes and bags are everywhere, his toys are packed up, his bowls, and gasp the leash is out. His anxiety and joy is tangible and as he gets in the way of everything, which I assume is his way of saying “What the fuck are you people doing.” And although to us it is patiently obvious and I have tried to explain to him that yes we are going outside, we are going in the car and YES I will leave the back windows open so you can stick your nose out and smell where we are going. But you just look at me like you don’t understand what I am saying, like you don’t understand English, sometimes I wish I could hear what you are thinking, and that is intensified in these moments.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Live Life
Today I found out that my second cousin Aaron has died in a car accident on Sunday a little boy that I used to baby-sit, part of the family we grew up together. Hearing this news flashes me back to the cause of my depression and although I feel horrible for the family and Lisa who has lost her son at such a young age, I know better, he could have been saved barely from the car accident, they could have gone through years of operations and tests and stress and drama. I know it could be much worse then the clean cut off, the no suffering. It is better to rip the band aid off and heal then the constant slow pain of a million knives entering your body over a long period of time.
You think you will live forever but you won’t, sometimes you don’t know when your last kiss will be, your last conversation, your last hug, so I need to make sure that I keep this in the forefront of my life that I live my life to the fullest, I need to make sure I appreciate it all. Most of all I wish there was a way to train your brain not to care about the little things so much. I tend to let little things get to me where in the grand scheme of things these little things matter as much as giving a gold coin in the middle of the desert to a man starving of thirst. I wish I was a better person sometimes. I am going to try and pay attention to my husband more, give my dog and two cats attention every time they ask, and all around let the little things be little.
You think you will live forever but you won’t, sometimes you don’t know when your last kiss will be, your last conversation, your last hug, so I need to make sure that I keep this in the forefront of my life that I live my life to the fullest, I need to make sure I appreciate it all. Most of all I wish there was a way to train your brain not to care about the little things so much. I tend to let little things get to me where in the grand scheme of things these little things matter as much as giving a gold coin in the middle of the desert to a man starving of thirst. I wish I was a better person sometimes. I am going to try and pay attention to my husband more, give my dog and two cats attention every time they ask, and all around let the little things be little.
First Night of Christmas
I don’t have any family members in LA other than my aunt and uncle who I rarely get to see and don’t know very well but I do have a family here of wonderful friends that make the holidays special. Today we met for games, appetizers, pizza, and presents; so many of my favourite things. There is something awsome about having people in your life that are not blood relatives that you CHOOSE to be part of your family. There is no weird Uncle Sal that you feel like you have to invite to the party just people that you love and like and that don’t drive you completely crazy for the most part.
Here is a photo of what I got.
Aldo Pearl Flower Ring
Here is a photo of what I got.
1. Juicy Diamond Ring Key Chain
2. Aldo Leg Warmers
3. Red Hoodie
4. Aldo Pearl Purple Grey Scarf
5. Green Loofa
6. Orange, Chamolimine & Honey Body Scrub
7. Pink Stripped PJ Pants and Pink Top
2. Aldo Leg Warmers
3. Red Hoodie
4. Aldo Pearl Purple Grey Scarf
5. Green Loofa
6. Orange, Chamolimine & Honey Body Scrub
7. Pink Stripped PJ Pants and Pink Top
8. Mint Lip Balm
9. Aldo Pearl Flower Ring
10. Aldo Bronze Pearl Earrings
11. Moleskin Blank Notebook
12. Pink Lace Panties
My two favourite gifts are:
The Juicy Diamond Ring Key Chain
Aldo Pearl Flower Ring
Monday, December 22, 2008
Confessions of a Shop-aholic
Today after searching in what feels like every store on the planet I FINALLY found the perfect boots from Aldo to match my new Sabrina Purse I got recently. I am so excited by this purchase that I may NEVER take them off. They may look a bit funny in the shower but I am gonna
work it.
work it.
Auditory Obsession
There are songs that you hear, that you immediately purchase, and then play over and over and over and over and over again, until you know every syllable every lyric, every rhyme, and even once you memorize every detail you play it some more for days, weeks or however long it takes to work the song out of your system. That is the gage of a great song for me, when I become an addict a slave to the song. So I have a play list on my IPod, a play list that I am not allowed to listen to unless I am wearing earphones OR alone. Those are the two stipulations that have been ruled down from my husband.
LIST OF SONGS HERE
Circus; Britney Spears
9 Crimes; Damien Rice
Colorblind; Counting Crows
Santa Maria; Gotan Project
Feeling Love; City of Angeles
Beauty; Dru Hill
El Tango De Roxanne; Moulin Rouge
The Fragile; Nine Inch Nails
Terra Firma; Tomb Raider
Gravity; Little Voice
No Air; Jordin Sparks
I Kissed a Girl; Katy Perry
Before He Cheats; Carrie Underwood
American Boy; Estelle
1 Crush; Garbage
Pretty Piece of Flesh; One Inch Pound
Talk Show Host; Radiohead
LIST OF SONGS HERE
Circus; Britney Spears
9 Crimes; Damien Rice
Colorblind; Counting Crows
Santa Maria; Gotan Project
Feeling Love; City of Angeles
Beauty; Dru Hill
El Tango De Roxanne; Moulin Rouge
The Fragile; Nine Inch Nails
Terra Firma; Tomb Raider
Gravity; Little Voice
No Air; Jordin Sparks
I Kissed a Girl; Katy Perry
Before He Cheats; Carrie Underwood
American Boy; Estelle
1 Crush; Garbage
Pretty Piece of Flesh; One Inch Pound
Talk Show Host; Radiohead
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Surprise Birthday For Ms. Dancer
It is hard to keep a secret. Secrets are like little gold nuggets of information and both gold and secrets have been traded and sold since the beginning of time. But there are two different types of secrets, secrets that aren’t really secrets, ones that are open for the gossip mill and that can be bandied about. Then there are the ones that are given into your trust, true closet secrets that should be whispered into very deep wells, secrets that are not to be repeated. So with the first kind of secret it does not matter if it gets out, the second however you need a very good friend to whisper them to. I have one of those friends and it is hard to keep a secret from someone you tell virtually everything to. I decided to throw a surprise birthday party for my best friend. I knew it would be hard to keep it from her, to keep myself from telling her and to keep everyone invited quiet. The last week I had to make excuses of why I could not talk because I was afraid I would give it away in our unguarded conversations. Magically it came to be that we all preserved the secret even though there were a few close calls.
Ms. Dancer’s Boyfriend and I coordinated the story and fed her bits of it at a time over a months period, we decided he would have fake-friends fly in that they were having dinner with, uncancellable plans because they were only in town for a limited time, we also decided that Ms. Dancer’s Boyfriend would borrow the Xbox and would pick it up at my house while we were out to dinner on the way to meet his friends. Ms. Dancer’s Sister, who they were picking up from the airport, was also pulled into the planning, we decided that she would text us when they were close to the house to warn us to turn off the lights and wait in anticipation of yelling surprise. When she walked in the door her face; her shock at the 40 so odd people in my home for her birthday was priceless. I think we actually scared her when she walked into the dark house. The party went wonderfully! It is good to do something for people you love.
Ms. Dancer’s Boyfriend and I coordinated the story and fed her bits of it at a time over a months period, we decided he would have fake-friends fly in that they were having dinner with, uncancellable plans because they were only in town for a limited time, we also decided that Ms. Dancer’s Boyfriend would borrow the Xbox and would pick it up at my house while we were out to dinner on the way to meet his friends. Ms. Dancer’s Sister, who they were picking up from the airport, was also pulled into the planning, we decided that she would text us when they were close to the house to warn us to turn off the lights and wait in anticipation of yelling surprise. When she walked in the door her face; her shock at the 40 so odd people in my home for her birthday was priceless. I think we actually scared her when she walked into the dark house. The party went wonderfully! It is good to do something for people you love.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
A Day Of Baking
I was a good little girl growing up, but I was not when it came to anything domestic, it was like if I succumbed then I was doomed to be a housewife instead of the career woman I dreamed myself to be. When I was a child, I was not in the kitchen with my mother learning to cook and to bake. My mother despaired of me ever being able to cook anything more than macaroni and cheese. When I moved away and went to college I lived on fast food and takeout from the restaurants I worked/lived at. Once I graduated from college and started getting a little bit older, baking and cooking started becoming more important to me, and the recipes that my mother and my grandmother and their mothers before them became so much more important.
The chocolate chip cookies, the date nut and spice cake, the pumpkin bread and the raisin bread, when I make the recipes of my childhood I will always think about these wonderful women, particularly the Raisin bread. Unfortunately with less women staying home, less home cooked meals eaten, there is little opportunity for the recipes of our ancestors to be passed down from mother to daughter and the saddest part is centuries of recipes are going to die out with our generation. So many recipes will be lost to our young not getting the information to pass on to the next generation. I think we are going to lose a lot of our history.
I have made this Raisin bread recipe with my mother and my grandmother; it was a wonderful time spent up north in the kitchen with three generations of women. It takes 9 hours to make and you only get 4-6 loaves, quite a lot of work for something that you say I can pick up at the grocery store for 4 bucks, however the taste is heaven and I am sure the hours of labour only makes it better.
The chocolate chip cookies, the date nut and spice cake, the pumpkin bread and the raisin bread, when I make the recipes of my childhood I will always think about these wonderful women, particularly the Raisin bread. Unfortunately with less women staying home, less home cooked meals eaten, there is little opportunity for the recipes of our ancestors to be passed down from mother to daughter and the saddest part is centuries of recipes are going to die out with our generation. So many recipes will be lost to our young not getting the information to pass on to the next generation. I think we are going to lose a lot of our history.
I have made this Raisin bread recipe with my mother and my grandmother; it was a wonderful time spent up north in the kitchen with three generations of women. It takes 9 hours to make and you only get 4-6 loaves, quite a lot of work for something that you say I can pick up at the grocery store for 4 bucks, however the taste is heaven and I am sure the hours of labour only makes it better.
Friday, December 19, 2008
The Madness Of Cost Co
There is a Mecca of wonderful oversized packages of 7lb meats, cheeses that weigh more than I do, 40 rolls of toilet paper, and my squirrel like heart who loves to store and save and get the best bang for my buck loves the wonderful land of Cost Co, however the sweet nectar of such a place attracts other bees, or senile crazy people who are much worse then the LA traffic I have to put up with on my drive into work. At least in traffic as the driver next to me, who just happens to be holding a conference call and juggling a laptop and papers while driving, swerves into my lane and almost takes me out, at least there is a couple hundred lbs of steel and rubber between me and the outside world. In the open halls of the store as people juggle overflowing super sized supplies and careen wildly around corners I barley save my fingers and toes from getting severed off. I mean pay attention people we are all in this shit heap together, we are all having to get holiday shopping done, I mean it is CHRISTMAS for Christ’s sake take a minute and spread the cheer as you wait your damn turn. I feel like herded cattle enough in here without adding your bad shopping-cart-driving to my list of shit I have to deal with today.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Confessions of a Shop-aholic
I stopped by a DSW Shoe store on my way into the dentist office to kill some time and to take a glance at their boot collection to see if they had a pair in the tone I wanted. I was sad to say that they did not have what I was looking for but while I was there I did manage to find these amazing BCBG Paris shoes that I could not help but take home. They looked so pretty on my feet and a girl can never have to many black strappy shoes.
BBBS 5 – Nutcracker
So in an attempt to introduce more culture to Ms. Little I decided to take her to go and see the Nutcracker. Now because it was getting close to the holidays and since Ms. Little does not have something nice to wear to go to the Nutcracker I decided to take the free tickets to the Community College one rather than go to the super fancy downtown one. Oh what amazing mistakes we make or the most amazing decisions ever.
Picking up Ms. Little happened an hour after our scheduled time, so we were late, late in LA traffic which means we totally are not going to get there on time. So after driving around trying to find parking, ignoring the signs to make sure to display your parking pass like I am supposed to wander around in the dark while I am LATE looking for a stupid parking machine that probably does not work anyways.
Walking into the College getting closer to the doors of theatre I am worrying about walking in and disturbing the other patrons, of trying to stumble to our seat as we ruin the ballet for grandma and her child, my worries were VERY misplaced. As we walked into the dimly lit room my jaw dropped at the pandemonium of the millions of talking, screaming, annoying children. As we sat down in our seats my panicked eyes scanned the room, the crowd, the stage and costumes frantically looking for some small scrap of my childhood thoughts of when I went to go see the Nutcracker. Where was the culture, where was the beauty of the ballet it was all wrong. I tried to get into the music, coming from a stereo and not the orchestra I was expecting. Giving up on trying to fulfill my hopes and dreams I turned to Ms. Little to see how she was taking in the play, and she was distracted and not impressed. We ended up leaving early and going to dinner the magic I was obviously seeking and trying to show her was not there.
I decided to go to PF Chang’s for dinner, when we sit down and order and then we sit there staring at each other, and I have nothing new to make up. There are moments of panic that I hope will subside with more experience dealing with a 10 year old child when you have not had a lot of interaction with kids. Why doesn’t this restaurant have the scribbly placemat with the games and the crayons, I mean where are MY GOD DAMN CRAYONS. Taking a deep breath and then in this moment I remember my mother and the games she played with me, the antics she kept us occupied and I dig out some coins for the ‘coin hand game’ then as dinner comes out we move onto the name game and guessing and I realize with a sigh of relief that I can do this, I can do this and be a great role model if I remember my mother the role model that I am so grateful I have had.
Picking up Ms. Little happened an hour after our scheduled time, so we were late, late in LA traffic which means we totally are not going to get there on time. So after driving around trying to find parking, ignoring the signs to make sure to display your parking pass like I am supposed to wander around in the dark while I am LATE looking for a stupid parking machine that probably does not work anyways.
Walking into the College getting closer to the doors of theatre I am worrying about walking in and disturbing the other patrons, of trying to stumble to our seat as we ruin the ballet for grandma and her child, my worries were VERY misplaced. As we walked into the dimly lit room my jaw dropped at the pandemonium of the millions of talking, screaming, annoying children. As we sat down in our seats my panicked eyes scanned the room, the crowd, the stage and costumes frantically looking for some small scrap of my childhood thoughts of when I went to go see the Nutcracker. Where was the culture, where was the beauty of the ballet it was all wrong. I tried to get into the music, coming from a stereo and not the orchestra I was expecting. Giving up on trying to fulfill my hopes and dreams I turned to Ms. Little to see how she was taking in the play, and she was distracted and not impressed. We ended up leaving early and going to dinner the magic I was obviously seeking and trying to show her was not there.
I decided to go to PF Chang’s for dinner, when we sit down and order and then we sit there staring at each other, and I have nothing new to make up. There are moments of panic that I hope will subside with more experience dealing with a 10 year old child when you have not had a lot of interaction with kids. Why doesn’t this restaurant have the scribbly placemat with the games and the crayons, I mean where are MY GOD DAMN CRAYONS. Taking a deep breath and then in this moment I remember my mother and the games she played with me, the antics she kept us occupied and I dig out some coins for the ‘coin hand game’ then as dinner comes out we move onto the name game and guessing and I realize with a sigh of relief that I can do this, I can do this and be a great role model if I remember my mother the role model that I am so grateful I have had.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Pressure Of The Sun
Now that I am unemployed I no longer have the horrible chore of waking up and showering every morning, having to dress, having to even get out of bed. Which works perfectly hand in hand with my depression since all it really wants to make me do is sleep all the time. So I can stay in my wrinkled pajamas all day, stay in the same ones day after day after day and the only person that will be bothered by it is my husband and to be honest he is already tied to this chain for better or for worse right. So I have decided to give myself until the 5th of January, I have given myself this small time to flounder like a fat lazy sow pig wallowing in the mud. I have recently taken a huge step in dealing with my depression after finally choosing a few weeks ago to get therapy, the problem is my dwindling bank account and my reduced insurance coverage due to my layoff. It is to soon to find out if therapy is going to help me but at least with going I felt like I was being proactive about getting help. Now if I quit is that like putting my head in a noose, because would I be walking away from the one thing that will make me like I was before the incident, all bright and shiny and new. You know we all came out in the beginning clean, unharmed, smelling sweat and wonderful what happened. Sometimes I feel like the weight pushing on my head weights more than the sun.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Company Closing
There is nothing like walking into a room with a job and then leaving the room 10 minutes later without one. Not that it came as a surprise to me, I have been expecting this meeting for a year since I have only done work maybe 20 percent of the time I am at work, and since I get to work an hour late, take a 2 hour lunch, one hour to eat that double stuffed bean burrito and one hour to sleep the food coma off in the car, and then leave an hour early, 20 percent is now severely decreased.
I feel a small measure of relief with the fact that the whole office is closing, that I just did not get laid off but that everyone in the office (all 6 of us) are just as miserable as the one next to us.
Still knowing you are going to get laid off and then actually getting laid off is a whole different story, it’s like knowing someday you will get pulled over and get a ticket because you just can’t control that lead foot and showing people the correct way to drive because that two minutes I save by cutting off 10 people on the freeway is two minutes of my life that I can sleep. But that nagging wiggling knowledge that you are going to get a ticket will not change you and make you take preventative measures like slowing the hell down. So here I am laid off without a nest egg, without planning for it, even though I was pretty sure it was going to happen. Damn my worthless unplanning hide. Merry Christmas to me.
I feel a small measure of relief with the fact that the whole office is closing, that I just did not get laid off but that everyone in the office (all 6 of us) are just as miserable as the one next to us.
Still knowing you are going to get laid off and then actually getting laid off is a whole different story, it’s like knowing someday you will get pulled over and get a ticket because you just can’t control that lead foot and showing people the correct way to drive because that two minutes I save by cutting off 10 people on the freeway is two minutes of my life that I can sleep. But that nagging wiggling knowledge that you are going to get a ticket will not change you and make you take preventative measures like slowing the hell down. So here I am laid off without a nest egg, without planning for it, even though I was pretty sure it was going to happen. Damn my worthless unplanning hide. Merry Christmas to me.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Last Official Post Wedding Project
So my last official post wedding project was the dilemma with the thank you cards. Originally I wanted to follow our current look and feel for all our print materials. Something like photo (see below) this that was classy and in the colors of the wedding.
I decided instead after a lot more researching online that I would prefer to do a photo montage of our wedding rather than the original concept. After choosing my favourite photos from the photographer and from our family and friends I created our own photo montage thank you card and I think everyone will enjoy this view into our wedding and to remind them of the celebration then the traditional card I had originally designed.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Book Club – "The Joy Luck Club"
A quote from the book:
"No choice! No choice!" She doesn’t know. If she doesn’t speak, she is making a choice. If she doesn’t try, she can lose her chance forever. I know this because I was raised the Chinese way: I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people’s misery, to eat my own bitterness. And even though I taught my daughter the opposite, still she came out the same way! Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl. And I was born to my mother and I was born a girl. All of us are like stairs, one step after another, going up and down, but all going the same way.” (pg 241)
The reason why this book is so good, so captivating is that four mothers and four daughters’ tales are told though their relationships, mother to mother, mother to daughter, daughter to daughter. It weaves a tapestry of how intricate relationships are, how we really should take time to learn our mothers stories, how their lives were about their hope to give her daughter strength, how their past shaped them and how it came to shape us, how they always want the best for us, that they are trying their best, and that sometimes the best is not good enough but that we are all human.
"No choice! No choice!" She doesn’t know. If she doesn’t speak, she is making a choice. If she doesn’t try, she can lose her chance forever. I know this because I was raised the Chinese way: I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people’s misery, to eat my own bitterness. And even though I taught my daughter the opposite, still she came out the same way! Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl. And I was born to my mother and I was born a girl. All of us are like stairs, one step after another, going up and down, but all going the same way.” (pg 241)
The reason why this book is so good, so captivating is that four mothers and four daughters’ tales are told though their relationships, mother to mother, mother to daughter, daughter to daughter. It weaves a tapestry of how intricate relationships are, how we really should take time to learn our mothers stories, how their lives were about their hope to give her daughter strength, how their past shaped them and how it came to shape us, how they always want the best for us, that they are trying their best, and that sometimes the best is not good enough but that we are all human.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
BBBS 4 - Christmas Cookies + Presents
Ms. Little and I are getting more comfortable talking and hanging out. I think we are both less awkward and the trust is defiantly growing into something more. Being around kids really helps to put some things in perspective, there is less time for me to think about myself, to be moody, to let my dark moods cover our short time together, and all I want to do is see her smile and make her laugh. And in this way Ms. Little helps to dispel some of my fog and makes me want and try to be a better person, a better role model, and gives me a lighter mood.
Today I picked her up at 10 and as we skipped to the car and she begins to babble about the past two weeks and what she has done in school and at home I sink more comfortably into my seat to listen to her happy voice and watch her animated hands. We have a busy day planned and get to the mall where we need to choose a dress for her surprise Christmas present. I am taking her to go and see the Nutcracker and because I got the tickets for free I decided to spend money to get her a princess dress. She is adorable trying on everything in the store and then trying to select the one that she likes the best. We end up settling for a red silk pleated dress with a velvet top and sparkly broach. The only one in her size unfortunately has a strap broken so we get an additional 10% off the dress.
After shopping we head home to make sequins Christmas tree for her moms Christmas present and bake cookies. Of course we end up with crunched timing and have to hurry to get everything completed but in the end it all works out. The cookies are wrapped for her family, and her mother’s half finished tree is wrapped also. All in all it was a fun day.
Hurrying in traffic to drop her off then I have to go pick up Mr. O.C. and Mr. Rogue at the Long Beach airport with just enough time to shower and head to an friends house for our first pole dancing party. Busy busy Christmas holiday time.
Today I picked her up at 10 and as we skipped to the car and she begins to babble about the past two weeks and what she has done in school and at home I sink more comfortably into my seat to listen to her happy voice and watch her animated hands. We have a busy day planned and get to the mall where we need to choose a dress for her surprise Christmas present. I am taking her to go and see the Nutcracker and because I got the tickets for free I decided to spend money to get her a princess dress. She is adorable trying on everything in the store and then trying to select the one that she likes the best. We end up settling for a red silk pleated dress with a velvet top and sparkly broach. The only one in her size unfortunately has a strap broken so we get an additional 10% off the dress.
After shopping we head home to make sequins Christmas tree for her moms Christmas present and bake cookies. Of course we end up with crunched timing and have to hurry to get everything completed but in the end it all works out. The cookies are wrapped for her family, and her mother’s half finished tree is wrapped also. All in all it was a fun day.
Hurrying in traffic to drop her off then I have to go pick up Mr. O.C. and Mr. Rogue at the Long Beach airport with just enough time to shower and head to an friends house for our first pole dancing party. Busy busy Christmas holiday time.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Confessions of a Shop-aholic
Since Mr. Rogue is out of town I decided a nice pick me up would mollify my moodiness slightly. I found this wonderful new designer Sabina and I fell in love with this purse. Even though it is right before Christmas I decided to get a little something for myself. Thanks Santa!
I Am Lost Without You
Mr. Rogue has only been gone two days, he comes back tomorrow, and instead of making plans and running around wild like I should be I am at home waiting for you to come back. I have already cleaned every surface in every room, I did all the laundry, I even washed the animals, and still I am not tired and I cannot sleep because you are gone. It’s not like I need you to function, I am perfectly content to leave you at home as I skip all over town, but you are always HOME when I come back and the fact that I am here and you are not bothers me. I am not one of those women who needs her man but I guess that is what I am becoming. Our routine is off and I feel like my world is tilted. This is your fault, I am blaming you completely and I have decided that when you do arrive home tomorrow I am chaining you to the house and never letting you leave again.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
TR3 – Have I Found A Friend In You
Driving to therapy today I look and wonder at the gorgeous skies we have been having in LA the past few days. Because of the rain we have cloud cover and weather and it is beautiful. I took this shot paused in the street walking to the therapy building. I loved the contrast of the building with its turrets darkened by the twilight with the vibrant pink and purple blue sky behind. It was so gorgeous I just stood and stared and it successfully pushed any anxt I had in forcing myself to go for my third session of therapy.
Today I walk into the office and the lighting is different, the soft glow of the lamps are off and the harsh overhead neon lights are on. This small change throws me off a bit because the room feels less like a room in a friend’s house and more like a doctor’s sterile office. Yet today I feel like we made a lot of progress into a few key areas of my life pertaining to my biggest problems. Mostly we explored how I deal with emotions and feelings and the control I feel like I have to have over myself at all times. The fact that I don’t spout emotion to everyone, that I am not a gambler that throws out if I am angry or upset, that I am a person who holds their cards closely to my chest and not share what I am dealing with until I come to terms with it on my time in my way and then arrange things in a way that I get what I want. Some would call this manipulative and perhaps in a way it is but this is something that has served me VERY well in the past. The fact that I don’t just go hurting people’s feelings with word vomit and try to work out things together, the fact that I like to spin my webs and create situations into gaining what I want the most.
We also talked about my intolerance for dealing with people that don’t meet up with my expectations. The fact that I feel like I have very high standards and that I expect people that I am friends with to fall within certain parameters. And that I don’t have any issues cutting people out of my life without a backward glance, that sometimes I don’t give second chances, that I am pretty fastidious about surrounding myself with, as Einstein said, “that will enhance you and make you a better person.” This triggered some nervousness in my therapist, a woman obviously intelligent and knows her job, because as she voiced “I am worried that I will do something to cross a boundary and that I won’t get a second chance and you will just disappear.” And yes unfortunately that is a very high probability.
As I leave the office today I feel like we had a good debate, like I had just had a great dinner with a good friend where the conversation was enlightening and kept me on my toes. I think I have found a friend in my therapist, or that she is doing her job really well and that is what she wants me to feel. So the lamb fell in love with the lion.
Today I walk into the office and the lighting is different, the soft glow of the lamps are off and the harsh overhead neon lights are on. This small change throws me off a bit because the room feels less like a room in a friend’s house and more like a doctor’s sterile office. Yet today I feel like we made a lot of progress into a few key areas of my life pertaining to my biggest problems. Mostly we explored how I deal with emotions and feelings and the control I feel like I have to have over myself at all times. The fact that I don’t spout emotion to everyone, that I am not a gambler that throws out if I am angry or upset, that I am a person who holds their cards closely to my chest and not share what I am dealing with until I come to terms with it on my time in my way and then arrange things in a way that I get what I want. Some would call this manipulative and perhaps in a way it is but this is something that has served me VERY well in the past. The fact that I don’t just go hurting people’s feelings with word vomit and try to work out things together, the fact that I like to spin my webs and create situations into gaining what I want the most.
We also talked about my intolerance for dealing with people that don’t meet up with my expectations. The fact that I feel like I have very high standards and that I expect people that I am friends with to fall within certain parameters. And that I don’t have any issues cutting people out of my life without a backward glance, that sometimes I don’t give second chances, that I am pretty fastidious about surrounding myself with, as Einstein said, “that will enhance you and make you a better person.” This triggered some nervousness in my therapist, a woman obviously intelligent and knows her job, because as she voiced “I am worried that I will do something to cross a boundary and that I won’t get a second chance and you will just disappear.” And yes unfortunately that is a very high probability.
As I leave the office today I feel like we had a good debate, like I had just had a great dinner with a good friend where the conversation was enlightening and kept me on my toes. I think I have found a friend in my therapist, or that she is doing her job really well and that is what she wants me to feel. So the lamb fell in love with the lion.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Body Trust
Taking S factor classes is the experience of a lifetime and takes a very high level of trust and vulnerability which over time creates a high level of intimacy with both the teacher and the fellow students. Generally when I am in a situation with a group of women, particularly with a group of random women from all walks of life, there is a large level of competition and general distrust. Even within family groups and friend group dynamics there is always some form of secrecy and a hierarchy of power. I think S Factors business model is so unique because it puts us all at the same level, forces us to bare a lot and trust our fellow classmates in a way that is just not possible in real life.
Today we had a sub teacher, Ms. Sexy Pants was ill, and the whole class was off. Having a sub teacher for this type of body journey is like jumping in bed with a complete stranger sans alcohol, awkward, weird, and the fact that they just don’t measure up to what you were expecting. The trust that Ms. Sexy Pants has earned with us is lacking with the sub and therefore the experience is awful or maybe not awful but the soul searching freedom that I generally get is missing. This compounded with the fact that this was the last week to dance before our 3 week break, pole week was last week so no dancing for me, and then the week before I missed because of the Thanksgiving holiday makes me feel like someone is grounding me from my S.
Our Christmas dinner with the girls after class was great. We have so much fun together and it is interesting to hear about people’s journeys and stories of how they got to the point of taking S, was it for exercise, a man, or to become more confident. And the joy and pleasure you hear from everyone on their euphoric high, sweaty, sore and OH so happy to be alive and together. Thank God for my S.
Today we had a sub teacher, Ms. Sexy Pants was ill, and the whole class was off. Having a sub teacher for this type of body journey is like jumping in bed with a complete stranger sans alcohol, awkward, weird, and the fact that they just don’t measure up to what you were expecting. The trust that Ms. Sexy Pants has earned with us is lacking with the sub and therefore the experience is awful or maybe not awful but the soul searching freedom that I generally get is missing. This compounded with the fact that this was the last week to dance before our 3 week break, pole week was last week so no dancing for me, and then the week before I missed because of the Thanksgiving holiday makes me feel like someone is grounding me from my S.
Our Christmas dinner with the girls after class was great. We have so much fun together and it is interesting to hear about people’s journeys and stories of how they got to the point of taking S, was it for exercise, a man, or to become more confident. And the joy and pleasure you hear from everyone on their euphoric high, sweaty, sore and OH so happy to be alive and together. Thank God for my S.
I just wish my sanity did not cost so much. Between the gym, S classes, and therapy my expendable spending is going way down but I guess it is better to nurture your soul and body then buy shoes and clothes (That is my story and I am sticking to it!).
ME AND MY S FACTOR GIRLS
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Time To Confess
I know Twilight was written for young teens, I know that I am 30 but you can blame your teenage daughter, the 8th grade class you teach, or your nieces or nephews but you know you have read or seen Twilight or at least knows someone who has. Today I went to the theatre in giddy anticipation with Mrs. O.C. and Ms. Dancer to see the movie. I was so excited even though I know the movie would not be as good as the book, it rarely ever is, I still wanted more from Bella and Edward. And the movie was great, not as wonderful as I had hoped but going in expecting just a teen flick I found that they did a very good job of portraying the characters and the major plot points. I am now in love with the series all over again and plan to go out and buy the books so I can reread them as many times as I want (I read it originally with a borrowed copy). And as I curl up with my Ben and Jerry’s peanut butter cup and crack open the spine of the first book I sigh in pleasure and proceed to read well into the night passing out way past my bedtime.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Christmas Is Finally Over Project Number 1
I love Etsy.com, it is such a brilliant way to get inspiration for the cutest crafts. And as I am supposed to be working but deftly trying to ignore my email and anything resembling work I am secretly trolling the site looking for my next post Christmas winter project.
After the holidays particularly January I am saddened when all the Christmas decorations come down. All the glitter and lights get removed and packed away for next year and a little part of my heart shrivels and dies. So to combat this sadness I will work on crafts to revamp my existing house décor, something new to spruce it up.
Currently this is top pick for winter project number one.
Found here http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_1&listing_id=13669989
They are vintage wreaths created by Haru out of music sheets, giftwrap, and colourful scraps and text. I think this would be a wonderful wreath to put on the front door and can’t wait to try it out. I will keep you posted with the final product.
After the holidays particularly January I am saddened when all the Christmas decorations come down. All the glitter and lights get removed and packed away for next year and a little part of my heart shrivels and dies. So to combat this sadness I will work on crafts to revamp my existing house décor, something new to spruce it up.
Currently this is top pick for winter project number one.
Found here http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_1&listing_id=13669989
They are vintage wreaths created by Haru out of music sheets, giftwrap, and colourful scraps and text. I think this would be a wonderful wreath to put on the front door and can’t wait to try it out. I will keep you posted with the final product.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Releasing the Weights
I get sick and stop my life, I pause it and hide in a cave, I do nothing that needs to be done. And then with no warning I wake up and the fog has lifted and I feel again like my old self, like I need to concur the world, and during these times I look around my crumpled life with horror as the past day or week, or months worth of unpaid bills, dirty floors, laundry, errands all those things that we are supposed to do in our lives that has piled up high due to my fog. Today is one of those days and as I make lists and become a tornado of activity I get a real sense of accomplishment once everything slowly starts getting back into order, like the fog had never been here, like I can erase those times in my life.
I don’t know about you but I feel so much better to un-clutter the swirling lists of things that need to get done. Like as soon as you think you need to do it I just do it and pop it is erased from the list. And all those nagging things, things that keep you behind, things that make the birthday cards late, or the dentist appointment at bay, or the laundry undone until you are on your last pair of clean underwear all those things don’t nag you constantly and the weight of them just lifts from your brain. Then there is so much more room to appreciate the sunset, pick up your hobby, and spend time playing fetch with the dog
I don’t know about you but I feel so much better to un-clutter the swirling lists of things that need to get done. Like as soon as you think you need to do it I just do it and pop it is erased from the list. And all those nagging things, things that keep you behind, things that make the birthday cards late, or the dentist appointment at bay, or the laundry undone until you are on your last pair of clean underwear all those things don’t nag you constantly and the weight of them just lifts from your brain. Then there is so much more room to appreciate the sunset, pick up your hobby, and spend time playing fetch with the dog
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Tree Trimming
Every year Ms. Cutie has a tree trimming party and although it has been going on longer than we have been friends I have been to the past three, I missed the first 4. Really it is not much of a tree trimming party since there is just a tiny Charlie Brown tree and only a few ornaments. However it is a great opportunity for all of us to get together for the holidays and wish each other a Merry Christmas.
This year it was a weird mix and a weird vibe. The men all watched football in the family room while the women all gossiped in the kitchen. I made sure to have a few drinks early so I could be sober enough once it was time to leave. It was a small crowd also due to the business of the holidays but still we ALWAYS have fun when we are together!
This year it was a weird mix and a weird vibe. The men all watched football in the family room while the women all gossiped in the kitchen. I made sure to have a few drinks early so I could be sober enough once it was time to leave. It was a small crowd also due to the business of the holidays but still we ALWAYS have fun when we are together!
Dairy Does A Body Good
Having recently endured several weeks of gut wrenching stomach cramps that make PMS look like a stroll in the park I have narrowed down my rehabilitating disease into two categories. Either my lower intestines are DYING, or I need to stop eating dairy products. Both options are equally devastating as I love milk and cookies, I am obsessed with brie (I would wrap myself up with it and sleep in its velvety loveliness) and don’t you dare even THINK about taking away my ice cream. And don’t the commercials always tout that Milk does a body good, how am I going to do good if my body twists inside out whenever I imbibe more than a molecule of dairy. Either way I am screwed. And what did I do to deserve this fate you ask, NOTHING, I really think God looked at my life and thought well she had 26 years of great maybe we should start screwing things up a bit. Thanks for noticing me but HEY can you go back to ignoring me again or at least just let go of the ice cream so I can be happy.
So I am left with continuing to eat dairy, which is my plan so far, a plan which leaves me on the floor of the bathroom the following day trying to hold my stomach in my body and attempting not to move an inch as that causes an exponentially amount of pain to the amount that I move. And Mr. Rogue just sips his tea and stares at me on the floor, the sympathy that I have been garnering from him is lessening with each episode. It is getting so bad that he refers to my constant pain as someone who continually touches a hot stove who knows the consequences yet keeps doing it anyways. Hey I am not just touching a stove what is the point the joy in that? I am SLATHERING my crackers with velvety yummy goodness that is COMPLETLY different because instead of an instantaneous burn I get a warm glow and my taste buds do a happy dance and I am great for about 12 hours. I blame the delayed reaction, maybe just maybe if the brie touched my tongue and I got an instantaneous burn then I would learn. But this Pavlov’s dog is not getting the hint with a 12 hour delay.
So I am left with continuing to eat dairy, which is my plan so far, a plan which leaves me on the floor of the bathroom the following day trying to hold my stomach in my body and attempting not to move an inch as that causes an exponentially amount of pain to the amount that I move. And Mr. Rogue just sips his tea and stares at me on the floor, the sympathy that I have been garnering from him is lessening with each episode. It is getting so bad that he refers to my constant pain as someone who continually touches a hot stove who knows the consequences yet keeps doing it anyways. Hey I am not just touching a stove what is the point the joy in that? I am SLATHERING my crackers with velvety yummy goodness that is COMPLETLY different because instead of an instantaneous burn I get a warm glow and my taste buds do a happy dance and I am great for about 12 hours. I blame the delayed reaction, maybe just maybe if the brie touched my tongue and I got an instantaneous burn then I would learn. But this Pavlov’s dog is not getting the hint with a 12 hour delay.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Miscommunications In Relationships
I don’t believe that there is one soul mate out there for each and every one of us. If so that I think a lot of us are COMPLETELY screwed, I mean there are 6,602,224,175 people on this planet according to the all seeing eye Goggle, and if I am supposed to find my one and only soul mate in that then we are all fucked. It is like trying to find a speck of sand in the ocean, think about it there is NO WAY I would ever find them. There is a big difference with being in love and being happily in love. There are most loves that are hard, that are constantly aggravating, that are a power struggle, that you feel like every day there is something to be growling about. And then there are those relationships that are so easy, that just seem to just fit right, that are rarely out of harmony with you and that make you ecstatically happy almost every day and I think a lot of people settle for the first love at varying degrees. For you to find someone you are utterly in love and compatible with must be super hard, especially when you take into account that you have to be attracted to them, they have to be attracted to you, both of you need to have your light on (as in both of you need to be open to being in the same kind of relationship), both of you can’t be in OTHER relationships, OH and you have to find this magic person. And unfortunately I think many of us find someone when we are ready to get married and just desperately grab on. I see a lot of people that are not truly happy in their relationships and it makes me sad. Sad because I was once in love but in a relationship that did not make me truly happy and I shudder to think if I had not left him, if I had not chosen to be in love AND happy, if I had not decided I deserved more and kept looking I would have never found Mr. Rogue. Mr. Rogue I am so grateful to have found you.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
One Year Blog Anniversary
Today marked my one year blogging anniversary as Rogue Woman. One. Whole. Year blogging every single day without fail. One year posting about getting engaged, visiting the Philippines, friends weddings, joining Facebook, wedding showers, bachelorette parties and visiting with family and friends.
I started an online blog initially for myself and to keep track of my day to day life. Now that I have shared it with some family members and friends I know what it is like to put everything out there, typos, guts and the occasional secret. I want to make a difference with my stories, jokes, and ideas. I had no idea what a huge blessing this blog would be, the self discovery that I would move into, and the better writer I would feel like I was becoming. If you have found me as you surf or if you are just visiting I want to thank you for letting me into you life and for reading my stories.
I started an online blog initially for myself and to keep track of my day to day life. Now that I have shared it with some family members and friends I know what it is like to put everything out there, typos, guts and the occasional secret. I want to make a difference with my stories, jokes, and ideas. I had no idea what a huge blessing this blog would be, the self discovery that I would move into, and the better writer I would feel like I was becoming. If you have found me as you surf or if you are just visiting I want to thank you for letting me into you life and for reading my stories.
TR2 - Open Wide
It was difficult to force myself to go to Therapy Round 2, so difficult that I did not let myself think about therapy all day. Like if I just did not think about it then therefore it did not exist, sometimes you just need to trick your brain or cut it out for a while to give my poor body a break, or at least I do because I am crazy. So I walk in the office, she smiles, I sit, she smiles, I smile, and then she just sits and stares at me until I feel OBLIGATED to fill in the quiet. So I start talking, start talking about my past, about where I came from giving her more about me, opening my doors wide, going against every impulse I have to manhandle the doors shut. I wonder if this is going to turn me into a feeling sap. Turn me into one of those needy crying whining babies that cannot fend for themselves. So much of me is wrapped into my independence, into taking care of myself, into the pride of being able to stand on my own two feet. It is even a heady feeling to talk about anything without any judging, heady and addicting. I wonder if you can get addicted to therapy. She makes me analyze more, more about things I had thought I solved, although it is a different thought process to have it solved in your head then to try and rationalize it out loud, and sometimes analyze more than I am ready to.
So this session was easier then the last, my first session, because I did not have to talk about the real problem. I could talk about my past give her more information more information to solve the problem, to fix me, to give me the tools so I am whole again.
So this session was easier then the last, my first session, because I did not have to talk about the real problem. I could talk about my past give her more information more information to solve the problem, to fix me, to give me the tools so I am whole again.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Creating Your Own Reality
You live most of your life alone and inside your head. The only people who can say without a certainty of a doubt that they know you are your parents, your best friends, and your significant other. The longer Mr. Rogue and I are together the more we seem to be letting shortcomings become shorter and strengths become stronger. I think this is what the sayings mean when they say two become one. Things that he does well I stop worrying about and things I do well I start to take charge of. And the moments when we are in tune with each other and forget that we are at a wedding and there is a room of 150 people potentially looking at us and wondering if they let us out of our cages for this auspicious event does not seem to hold the same significance as it once did. I am crazy in love with my husband and I am so grateful for the gift that I have been given because without him I could not be the happy person I am today.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Diapers, Childcare, And SUVs OH MY!
I think it is purely a woman thing to get married, and to have kids. I now have successfully led my man though a long series of hoops in order to get married, from moving in together to buying a house to getting engaged to planning the wedding to getting married and now that that obstacle is over I am moving on to the next of starting our family. Now Mr. Rogue's approach is not to have kids until we are ready but really, seriously I don’t think anyone can be completely ready for this. I do believe in planning and attempting to get as ready as possible but nothing is perfect and damit I am getting older and older by the minute and my biological clock is beating me in the head. I can’t go anywhere without cooing at some adorable ball of cute fatty baby and I want one so badly. So I broached the subject with Mr. Rogue again today so he has some time to ramp up and accept a timeline and begin the planning for all the things we would like to wrap up. Such as; Mr. Fruit would need to move out so we could have the room for a nursery, we would need to sell two of our cars and buy a safe nice SUV, saving more money and getting out of debt, looking at our finances for childcare, cutting back on my excessive shopping trips, and all of this just in time for Christmas. So after 5 hours of planning and talking Mr. Rogue is becoming resigned to the fact that we will start to try to get pregnant next summer and hopefully by 2010 there will be a new baby in the house.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Steel Bands Wrapping Around My Chest
When you are depressed it is not something that you just get over, like a giant hand pressing down on me, like a fog covers all the cheer in my life I sleepwalk through it all just trying to function on a day to day basis. Getting out of bed I think is the hardest part of my bad days because getting out of bed would mean that I have to pretend that I am ok. Some days are great and the hand thankfully lifts a little so I feel like I can breathe but when I have a bad day it is like the bands tighten around my chest and I am left gasping for air.
I spoke to Mrs. Bitch today about therapy, my therapist, and the reality that I am not going to get the magic fairy dust that will make everything go away. She is wonderful in the fact that she is able to help me as a friend, as a fellow sufferer, AND as a therapist by profession. Although talking to her about all of this is hard I think that she is really helping me come to terms with the reality of what therapy is. Basically a masochistic impulse to let someone rip open your darkest scariest closets and parade every bad thing that has ever happened to you out the door to dissect and discuss. Not a happy experience.
I am also coming to terms more with the fact that I am an emotional eater. I am sick of being overweight, I am sick of not being able to control what I eat, I am sick of feeling so sad that I want to bury my misery in sugar and fat because I am convinced that that is taking care of myself and treating myself, like I use candy to make my ass move through the motions of life. And today I came home from work and decided to eat the two pieces of pumpkin pie in the fridge and I rationalized it somewhere that Mr. Rogue did not need his piece and that I defiantly needed it more. After eating both pieces and feeling like crap physically and emotionally Mr. Rogue comes home and is upset that I ate his half, which I would have also I mean it was DAMN good pie. Instead of him seeing that I am sick he got really upset which made me cry and feel worse about myself then I already do. I mean he knows he did not marry the self-sacrificing “Don’t worry honey I will eat the burnt piece of toast” kind of girl, he married the “I wouldn’t even think about eating that crappy piece of burnt anything” kind of girl. He did promise not too long ago for better or worse till death do you part. That is when he let the piece of pie go, when he saw how upset I was, because he is a good man, and it is just pie after all.
