Hole

So here I am still in the hole and I am still confused as to how to dig myself out. I have not talked about this in the past because it is to damn hard, hurtful, confusing. I almost can’t handle the stress of trying to cope with seeming to be normal, with the stress of trying to remain calm and level-headed as I try to get through every day without collapsing on the floor in a pile and scream and cry until I stop breathing. I am afraid of the pile that will be there in the end and that I won’t be able to get back up. I have not handled any of this well at all and I have felt completely responsible, FELT, I know I am not responsible but I FEEL like I am. And we all know what we know and what we feel are at war. The perceived guilt has been almost too much to live through. So I wait, and I wonder, when tomorrow WILL be a better day.