Falling Down

For a month now I have been feeling well more lost than ever. Even during happy moments, surprise happiness, or moments of depression, I feel an underlying anxiety that everything is not ok. I am not usually so melancholy. Actually a little over a year ago I would have said I was super happy with my life. And I know that it is not as bad as my mind makes it out to be but this is something that my mind cannot seem to make sense of or talk itself out of. So today I am admitting that I am afraid, afraid that I will never be fully OK again. This mess my brain is in and then on top of everything I am watching the news, hearing about the economy, worrying about my job, I am also worried about spending this kind of money on a wedding right now. When everyone is so much in need and when Mr. Rogue and I should be saving in case it gets worse. Half of the money we plan on using for the wedding is in the stock market and with the losses we are starting to see I am worried about paying our wedding in cash like we originally hoped to do.

I withdraw in times when I am super stressed, and with Mr. Rogue’s work schedule he is getting busier and busier. So although Mr. Rogue and I are doing well I feel like it is my fault we are at the place we are right now. Me shutting down and shutting him out and him being so busy is not helping anything. So many things I am just not ready to talk about. So we ignore the issues until I can get a handle on things.

So today I am giving into the fear and hoping that it washes over me with the same swiftness that it came to me.