Reason Number #104

My mother just relayed this story and it was so traumatic to my psyche that I may NEVER have children. Remember mom this was your fault in telling me this and I will bring it up every time you get down on your knees and pray for grandchildren.
My brother Mr. Lambchop was a smart kid, a kid that was quiet and knew the exact right plan of attach to get what he wanted. I like to think of him as a quiet mastermind. I was the exact opposite, I took the more direct approach like taking a knife to your puppies throat to make you see things my way type of approach. Anyways mom was at the store with us kids in tow. Mr. Lambchop decided that he wanted something and when my mother said no he started to get angry, only it was a diabolical simmering pot kind of angry. Instead of throwing a tantrum he did what any mastermind child would do he tried to TRICK my mother into giving him what he wanted. He welled tears in his little eyes, looked straight at my mother and screamed in the middle of the store… “No mom, not again! DON’T BEAT ME!!!!!!!! I promise to be good! I promise I will try harder.”

My mortified mother just stood there as every eye within ‘child piercing scream’ distance could hear. Breaking out in a dry sweat my mother apologized for her demonized child and ran dragging us out of the store. Once outside she hunkered down to my brother’s level and stared into his scared angelic eyes and said… “If you ever do that again I will be the first one to call social services and make them take you away forever!”

Sometimes you need to break out the big guns in order to make your child, the one you spent 18 hours birthing and millions of day loving, shut the fuck up and show some respect.