I Am Melting

In California rain is such a novelty that it takes the entire state by surprise when it happens, even when it is the middle of the rainy season. The fact that I am a transplant from Michigan, “The official horrible weather in the United States” I am used to sun at dawn, rain in the morning, snow and sleet in the afternoon and then sun again in the evening. It is not a surprise to have all four seasons show their flamboyance in one single day. But here in Los Angeles people panic when it rains. Since the sun is not visible by those, what do you call them again, CLOUDS, then there is going to be a complete end of the world. A great majority of people refuse to step outside when there is the presence of weather; instead they stay inside peering out of their curtains with the kind of trepidation on their faces that you would think would only be reserved for a holocaust or the end of the world. They will stand there for hours and pray that in the moment that they blinked their eyes the bad dream will go away, the rain will leave and their sunny world would return to a sun filled land of radiant brightness.
A vast majority of the people who are brave or foolish enough to face the weather head on and continue with their day REALLY piss me off. The people here tend to pick their way across a soggy parking lot like an elephant carrying a live hand grenade through a field of mice. Or they drive 30 miles below the speed limit because they are not used to all this water falling on their windshield and they are terrified of hydroplaning because these bastards only know how to slam on the breaks which is the EXACT opposite of what you should do. Then my favourite is pulling into a parking lot and seeing a sea of people sitting in their cars because they are trying to contemplate how to get from the car to the restaurant without getting their perfectly manicured face, their artfully arranged hair and their thousand dollar Jimmy Choos into the building without getting wet.

I am not dehabilitated by the rain as my fellow Californians are, in fact I relish in the fact that we are getting any kind of weather at all because the normalcy of the endless days of sunshine seems a little fake in its perfection. This is I am sure how men feel about Pamela Andersons breasts. So as they run for cover I leap through the air in glee like a gazelle frolicking its beautiful ballet.