Satan Burned My Ass

I almost did the tanning thing. I mean I tried once right before prom I sucked it up and attempted to go to a tanning salon. I walked in feeling all important, like I was about to be indoctrinate into a super cool women’s club that I had desperately wanted to join. After all, the cool kids at the school always had a wonderful sunny glow, even in the heart of the frozen winter unlike my albino lily skin that seemed to blend in with the background. So dam nit it was about time I too had a nature defying skin tone. After I paid I was told to sit down and fill out a mountain of paperwork where I was just supposed to put my initials saying that I read it and yes I was aware of the dangers. That is when I read the fine print and was like OH MY GOD how can all these people come and do this to themselves and pay money for it. It seemed crazy to me at the time but I had already paid and I was 16 and I was damned if I had just spent two hours worth of pay to walk out so I stayed and initialled their Satan’s paperwork. After I returned my clipboard and pen I glanced around the room and noticed a tragic woman in her 40s wrinkled beyond that of a 40 day old rotted peach and I imagined that is what my skin would look like if I went more than this one time. No matter how hard I tried I could not get her and those damn warnings out of my head, and as I got in my cubical, stripped down and crawled onto the super cool surface of the bed which resembled more like a coffin then anything else I really started to freak out. I lay there trembling with fear of my skin getting eaten by cancer and after my 20 minutes I bolted out of that tanning salon so fast vowing never to return.

Unfortunately for me I did not think about how my poor, never seen the light of day ass and breasts were going to fry compared to my not so virgin arms, legs and stomach. I had worn a thong, thanks to the advice of a super cool in crowd friend, but I did not wear anything else while tanning. I could not sit down for a week, whenever I put my bra on I wanted to cry, life never seemed more horrible than that week. I was almost convinced God burned my private parts on purpose to teach me to stay away from Satan’s tanning beds.

Why am I telling you this? It is because of this instance that I am such an advocate of sun tan lotion, that I refuse to ever go to a tanning salon and that you MUST PROTECT YOUR SKIN because the older you will appreciate it so much. I am really happy that the pale bride is in this season because I will be one pale white bride.