Rambo Tried To Kill Me And Failed

I was asked a few days ago if I would be interested in taking a hike with my neighbours Mr. & Ms. Rambo and their mother. At the issuing of the invitation I was ecstatic, not only would I be discovering a new hike that I had not been on I would also get to spend the day hiking with some of the best people in my life. After agreeing to the hike we then hunkered down to decide on the details, I offered to drive and then was told that we needed to leave at 4:00AM in order to get there and hike before the day got uncomfortably warm. This was the first instance in where I really saw the mettle of Mr. Rambo be asserted. I tried to negotiate to 7:00AM a time in my opinion was early enough to wake for a weekend hike, but my opinions fell on deaf ears and the time was set for 5:00AM. I was not sure if I really like this new feeling, of being bulldozed over, even if the arguments were correct I much rather had gotten 2 more hours of sleep.


I was a little worried hiking with my neighbours because they are religious gym users, they are super in shape, and they resemble superheroes more than a normal human form. I was worried that my less than average pace would slow them down and annoy them but I was willing to at least try. Now my idea of a hike is to go somewhere where there is nature, to leisurely stroll a few miles and then to turn and go back to the car for the ride home. Once we got to the start of the hiking trial I found out what the Rambo’s idea of a hike was. I was left getting out of a car and looking at the face of a mountain that we were about to hike up. Echo Mountain was a hike with a trail that zig zagged across the face, back and forth until it disappeared in the cloud cover surrounding the mountain. I about dropped to my knees in terror because the thought of giving birth to full grown elephant seemed more possible than completing this hike.


We took three hours to get to the top, and I thought for sure that my quads were going to fry off because of the amount of kinetic energy that was created by the constant struggle to keep my unwilling body moving uphill. I took quite a few breaks, and I must say that everyone was more than willing to wait for their very not in shape friend to carry on. I was so happy to get to the top because SURELY the way going down would be so much easier. The top of the mountain was beautiful. The surrounding country side was beautiful, there were ruins of an old hotel that had long since been decimated to just a few foundation stones and the steel funnel targeted toward the back valley into the mountains was fun to scream in and hear your echo come back to you. This is how the mountain got its name. My neighbours, unbeknownst to me, secretly recorded my King Kong imitation into the funnel and are threatening to hold it over my head for life. I am sure to get a blackmail threat in the near future for my first born child.


The way down initially was a lot easier because my boycotting quads were not put into as much pain. However after about a mile my ass started to burn and then after two it started to scream, and then after three it threatened to dethatch itself and find someone who would not demand more than a couch and some Oprah for life.


I am sitting here behind my computer screen with ice packs duct taped to almost every lower extremity. Use your imagination; it is NOT a pretty sight. I have no idea what the next few days will hold in terms of my recovery but I have a feeling that I may be wishing for a lobotomy.